February 23, 2008

Let's All Go to the Movies

I've been disappointed with movies for quite a few years now. It's rare to find one that is actually worth paying $30 dollars to go see. To me, all the movies follow the same story lines and have the same types of characters. Where is the originality? Now it's gotten so bad they've actually brought back Rambo to the big screen. This is why I usually just stay home and watch IFC if I'm in a movie mood.

We all know that movies are for entertainment and are supposed to transport us to another world where everything is magical. I should say that most of us know that, because I think there are people who think that the movies are supposed to be how real life plays out. Unfortunately, 30 years from now those people are still going to be sitting in their apartment with 63 cats and their pet parakeet, Muffin, waiting for the love of their life to come knocking on their door and instantly fall in love with them and their 63 cats. At this point Muffin is incidental and can be eliminated if necessary.

Anyway, here is a list of the idiocy found in movies:

1. You will fall in love one of three ways. a.) Love at first sight. b.) Hate at first sight. c.) You'll fall in love with your best friend. If it's instant love, you'll think the object of your affection has been screwing their neighbor, but then you'll find out the whole time they were just planning a surprise party for you. Ohmigod! Then you're all in love again and romping in the sack. If it's instant hate, you'll find out that the object of your affection donated their kidney to some 8 year old girl, and the only way they found out she needed a kidney was because they overheard her aunt talking about in line at the grocery store. Donating a kidney to a little girl they didn't even know? Wow do they ever rock your socks! If it's your best friend, you will begin falling in love with him over a basket of fries while you're listening to how that filthy, filthy whore of girl just dumped him. Later, when you give him a consoling hug, you inadvertently discover that even though you thought for years that he stuffed a sock down his pants, you were very, very wrong. And now you love him more than you ever loved any other person in the entire solar system. You also totally get why his friends always call him Big D even though his name is Josh.

2. If you're the dorky adolescent at school your friends will consist of: the chubby kid, the clumsy kid, the ethnic minority kid, the bookworm kid, and the kid who eats his own scabs. You will all get wedgies every day by the class bully until you exact your revenge by building a giant cannon that shoots dog turds. You will also form a ragtag sports team. Your team will never be described by any adjective other than "ragtag". You will win the big tournament with only 2 seconds left on the time clock. The scab eater will then be hoisted on the shoulders of you and your fellow geeks, and you'll carry him around while the school band makes a pathetic attempt at playing We Will Rock You.

3. If you're the dorky teenager at school you'll end up going to the prom with the popular chick/dude. You're the underdog. You will fucking win, you little nerd.

4. Life comes with background music. This really bothers me, because I want it to be true. Seriously, how cool would it be to have your own background music? For one thing it could save your life because....

5. You will never be slashed to death until the scary music starts.

6. In the movies, the space between your cootch and your arms is a magical place for babies. If you give birth, at some point between the baby exiting your vagina and being placed in your arms, your child will age at least 2 months. Your newborn baby will also be abnormally alert, and will be talking and eating whole foods. The kid might possibly be smoking a cigar and screaming for someone to turn off the goddamn bright light. I have little baby retinas here and you're burning them, morons.

7. If you're a woman, you will never be attacked in a dark alley unless you're wearing 4" heels, and a dress that can be easily torn. To avoid this, either wear your tearaway dress with tennis shoes, or wear your 4" heels with a dress made out of the formed plastic that is used for packaging.

8. If you are a detective and have a partner, one of you will be funny and one of you will be anally serious. There's a 99.7% chance that you will be different ethnicities. If you're the funny one you will not be white, but you will be the one who solves the murder. At the end of the movie, Detective Crabbyass will finally crack a smile at one of your jokes. You will then go on to be in 500 sequels.

9. If your name is Sylvester Stallone or Steven Segal you will star in movies even though the scope of your acting ability is being able to sneer and walk at the same time.

10. If there is a movie about teen pregnancy, within 6 months every movie on the marquee will be about teen pregnancy. This rule can also be applied to pre-teen witchcraft and historical events.

So, the next time you feel the need to go see a movie, just read this list and save yourself 30 bucks.

Take Care,


  1. Well for fuck's sake, Babs, did you have to spoil EVERY single movie out there? Now what am I gonna go see?

  2. ...me too, well for fuck's sake, Babs! Some of us like a little disassociation from society. Tonight was the first time in about a million years we went out to a movie....it was ok, that's all.

  3. Ugh. I abhor going to the movies. People are so fucking RUDE! They are either chatting with their neighbor or on their stupid cell phones, which they've left the ringer on the loudest possible volume, or they don't keep their kids in check or they kick the back of my seat or they sit right behind me horking up their post nasal drip throughout the entire fucking movie. I just wait for the movies to come out on Netflix. That way the only post nasal horkage I have to listen to is my own.

  4. Anonymous10:38 AM

    Don't knock the "falling in love at first sight" method. Within five minutes of meeting the deacon, I knew I would marry him. It took him a few months to

    a) remember my name, and
    b) figure out that I was going to marry him,

    but it all worked out in the end - going onto 29 years this summer.

  5. Ex - For fuck's sake, I just saved you money, didn't I? Some people are just never happy.

    Carla - What did you go see?

    Doc B - I always get stuck behind the tallest person in the movie. It's a gift.

    Chappy - I think you and the Deacon are the exception to the rule.

  6. Jumper, it had potential, but then don't we all?

  7. But, but.. what about Steven Segal's unbelievable jowl wrestling skills. How can anyone compete??

  8. Well of course they're all formulaic. You have corporations running the film companies and they have shareholders and you have to maximize the returns for the shareholders which means taking little or no risks which means staying faithful to the secret formulas which you've now exposed to the world.

    Beware, they will come for you now.

  9. I'm with Dr. Brainiac. I rarely see movies in the theater (for all of the aforementioned reasons). I just Netflix them all which is why I have over 400 movies in my queue right now.

  10. I have a friend who gave up on cable, too, and just relies on Netflix.

  11. LOLs! Thanks god -- someone cool agrees with me that hollywood is just the same 10 movies over and over again.

    This is why more than half the movies I rent are independent or have subtitles...

  12. Dang there goes my plan to win the lottery, purchase rights to the book "Dies The Fire" by S.M.Stirling and cast Russell Crowe as Norman Arminger the Protector of Portland, some one unknown to play Mike Havel, Lord Bearkiller and John Williams to score the music. Life just sucks!!

  13. Sarge8:02 AM

    I have heard it said that there are only seven stories in the world.

  14. what? i thought everyone had background music.. you cant hear mine? it kind of goes.. laa ti ti da ti ti daaaaaa da da.....

  15. I have background music...sort of goes like this: "pppffffftttt..." and trails off. It happens in various pitches. It's sometimes accompanied by a strange odour. Every now and then I share the sound with The Squeeze by pulling the sheets up over his head so he can better hear it. His background music is something like "Oh God! That's nasty!"

  16. Carla - I haven't heard of Jumper. See how up to date I am with movies?

    OG - Jowl wrestling is hilarious! However, Segal can't do that AND walk at the same time.

    Philly - Oddly enough, there is someone knocking at my door right now.

    Kat - Maybe I'm going to have to go with Netflix.

    Fwig - It's sad isn't it? And did you hear that everybody? Fwig said I was COOL!!!

    Retro - Hey, don't let goofy list stop you. I'm sure Hollywood would love your idea.

    Sarge - But those seven stories can be told so many different ways.

    Roger - The only background music in my life has is the stuff I make up. I find myself singing a song about something I just read, and it's never anything song-worthy. Like I can read, "Customer account information" and have a whole song going with those three words.

    Dave - I'm sure your background music is one of the reasons The Squeeze loves you so.

  17. You'll get absolutely no argument from me about joining Netflix. I'm a true believer. I never go to movies, and I would go to Blockbuster once every two or so years, so I never saw any movies. Now I'm the Queen of Movies (well, except for this past month when I only saw two) and they have everything you could possibly want there. Movies, TV shows, documentaries, foreign films, anime, etc.