February 4, 2008

Wait a Minute Mr. Postman

Flipping through my mail the other day, I came to a screeching halt when I came to an envelope with the following on the front of it, "This very old church loans this to you, to bless someone connected with this home. Then, it must go to another family that desires God's blessings. See letter inside..." Of course, my interest was instantly piqued, and all the other mail hit the floor. Bills can wait, but a letter addressed to "Resident" with some sort of mystery loan from an old church is muy importante.

So I ripped open the envelope and I found my "loan" inside. It was a magical, super duper, prayer rug. A magical, super duper, prayer rug made out of paper! With a purple Jesus on it! See for yourself.

Isn't this the most awesome paper Jesus rug you've ever seen? I tried flying on it, but it didn't work. Either it's not really that magical, or Jesus didn't like me sitting on his face. Anyway, at the bottom of the rug it has these instructions, "Look into Jesus' eyes you will see they are closed. But as you continue to look you will see His eyes opening and looking back into your eyes."

I was skeptical at first, but after I started staring at Jesus, I'll be damned if he didn't start staring back at me. In fact, we had a stare-down, but I won. I have to confess that I cheated, though by poking him in the eye. He wouldn't quit looking at me!!






After I spanked Jesus in the staring contest, I was supposed to kneel on my Rug of Faith or just touch it to both knees. Then I was to "check my prayer needs" on the letter, and then return the letter and the rug. Huh? Return? What the fuck, people? You can't send me something as groovy as my magical rug and then expect me to give it back. I'm keeping it. I'm going to use it as a placemat, but only for special occasions.

I am, however, sending back the letter with "my prayer needs" checked. I had to fill in my own needs, because I didn't need any of the needs they had listed. Need I say more? Of course, I do. Here's what I'm sending:
Since you don't have my need listed, I thought it would be A-OK if I just wrote my own. I'm sure being good, Christian people from a 57 year old church, you won't mind. I need for Gary Cooper to show up at my door. I would ask for Johnny Depp, but I don't think even Jesus could pull off that one. However, since Jesus has practice at raising people from the dead, I figure Gary Cooper should be pretty easy. I also need Gary to be dressed up like a million dollar trouper, trying hard to look like..um..himself. He should be riding a giant, feral cat, and be carrying a basket filled with: 13 walnuts, 3.2 ounces of transmission fluid, a tube sock with a purple stripe, a red pageboy wig, a clown nose, the June 1941 edition of National Geographic, a 15 amp fuse, a pair of wire cutters and the Holy Spirit trapped inside a mayonnaise jar. I can't wait until Jesus answers my prayer!
There was also a prophecy written just for me. It was even sealed, and had this warning written on the outside, "If for any reason you are not going return this Church Prayer Rug, then this sacred prophecy must be destroyed, unopened and unread, because this is a sacred, spiritual prophecy, sealed word, concerning you and your future."

Yo, Church People. I am not giving back the rug. If you wanted the damn thing so bad, you should have never sent it to me.

But I still wanted to know what my sacred prophecy was. So, I threw caution to the wind, tilted my head ever so slightly upwards, laughed maniacally, and opened my sacred prophecy. I have to say that when I read it, I was severely disappointed. Here's kind of how it went...."My Child, blah blah blah²." It was something about me needing to set new goals in my life, and change was coming, and hey this prophecy totally sucks ass, doesn't it?

I thought when I opened the letter and saw that it was written to, "Dear...Someone Connected with This Address", it was going to be something really special just for me.

Oh well, at least I have my purple Jesus placemat.

Freaky side note: The ever adorable Kathleen left a comment that she had a letter to send to me. Oddly enough, it was this same exact prayer rug letter. I think someone's watching us.

Take Care,
Babs

18 comments:

  1. Absolutely hilarious! I would have asked for Clark Gable, but Gary Cooper wouldn't be a shabby substitute.

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  2. So you didn't think Jesus liked it when you sat on his face?

    Holy shit woman you make me laugh!

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  3. When I got that rug in the mail, I wished that I'd magically be able to dance like Fred Astaire. I don't advise wishing that because it won't work. I think maybe I was supposed to send them fifty bucks or something, so it's probably my fault for not following instructions.

    Anyway, I know why you have a thing for Gary Cooper, Babs. He allegedly had an amazingly huge penis. I've never heard any mention of whether or not it smelled like fish.

    I doubt that Fred Astaire had an amazingly huge penis, but I doubt it, because he probably would have tripped on it if he did.

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  4. Apparently the Churches of St. Matthew were busy mailing everybody and their brother two weeks ago. I wonder what list we're all on that we got that fabulous prayer rug...which got recycled last week.

    I was hoping that the dancer was going to be Danny Kaye (before I pushed the button), because I love and adore him, but have to say that Fred Astaire's not bad. ;-) I'd love to know how he did that cane trick. I even rewound and wasn't able to catch it.

    I would have asked for Michael Redgrave. I think he was so handsome!

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  5. A friend of mine's mother used to get stuff like this in the mail all the time. Of course it was usually about some weird cult (not Christianity!) like the Beyonders or Indigos or something like that.

    I did a paper on it in college. My professor didn't like it too much. Something about using mailers for my resources or being disrespectful or something.

    I haven't laughed this hard all week. Thanks, Babs!

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  6. Great post. I'm jealous, I want a purple Jesus praying rug. Purple Jesus, why have you forsaken me?

    If you send me your purple Jesus I'll send* you $50.


    *By send I mean I will pray to purple Jesus to give you $50.

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  7. When I was younger my friends and I used to drink something we called a Purple Jesus. Not sure what was all in it, but I think vodka and grape juice were in there somewhere.

    I'm more partial to this version of that song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VH2nQHPs4aA

    Now I've got a hankerin' for crackers...or maybe a mock apple pie.

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  8. *singing*
    Please Mister Postman, look and see...
    Is purple Jesus in your bag for me?
    /singing

    Hmm...you know, speaking of penises, I've heard them referred to by the term Purple-Headed Jesus...or is that Jesi?

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  9. Babs admitted: He should be riding a giant, feral cat, and be carrying a basket filled with: 13 walnuts, 3.2 ounces of transmission fluid, a tube sock with a purple stripe, a red pageboy wig, a clown nose, the June 1941 edition of National Geographic, a 15 amp fuse, a pair of wire cutters and the Holy Spirit trapped inside a mayonnaise jar.

    Kinky... I like it!

    It was something about me needing to set new goals in my life, and change was coming, and hey this prophecy totally sucks ass, doesn't it?

    No more so than your standard fortune cookie or astrological reading.

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  10. I didn't get one of these in the mail. Just the usual: 7 applications for 0.0% APR credit cards for 1 year; the local Merchandiser, and 11 catalogs for Talbots, Bear Creek, Lands End, Evolve Fish and a few others.

    I suspect you made that up.

    SI

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  11. Bbas:
    Im sad that yu poked Jesus in the eye. Why did yu do that to somone who lovs yu like he dose?

    I dont think the chruch will mind yu kepeing the prayr rug. I thnk yu nead it mor then they do.

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  12. Chap - Thanks. When I stop and think about it having the hots for some guy that died before I was born is probably a little weird.

    Claudia- It's okay that he didn't like it. The crown of thorns weren't too comfortable, anyway.

    Ex - That's the first time I've ever heard anything of Gary Cooper's penis. It was his eyes that got me. Those sweet, sweet eyes.

    Kat - I love Danny Kaye, too. I have no idea how Fred did the cane trick other than he's Fred.

    OG - You're welcome! Maybe your professor was an Indigo and you offended him/her.

    HappyNat- I'm so sorry. I never meant for my purple Jesus prayer rug to be the cause of envy. Maybe you could just steal the picture I put up, take it to Kinkos and have it enlarged? You could have a huge purple Jesus prayer rug.

    Dave - Excellent video choice. One of my all time favorite movies!

    Doc B - If some guy ever asked me if I wanted to see his Purple-Headed Jesus, I'm afraid I'd have to laugh. A lot. Right in his face.

    Evo - Do you wanna know where the 15 amp fuse was gonna go?

    SI - Dammit, man! You've found me out. Now my secret "Purple Jesus Prayer Rug" scam is now longer secret. Curses!

    Faith - Simma down now. Jesus loves me more now that I've poked him in the eyeball. You should try it. He'll probably love you more, too.

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  13. Evo - Do you wanna know where the 15 amp fuse was gonna go?

    What, you think I don't KNOW these things?

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  14. kat asked: I'd love to know how he did that cane trick. I even rewound and wasn't able to catch it.

    There was a trigger mechanism concealed in the floor.

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  15. Evo - You're such a perv.

    It's part of what makes me love you so.

    Ex - NO. NO. NO. There was no trigger mechanism. Fred was demon possessed. He could make canes fly off the ground. He could also levitate and could shoot laser beams out of his eyes.

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  16. Wow. My mail sucks. That's awesome.

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  17. Babs - Fred was divine (I thought that was obvious to all but the most black hearted of souls)and his cane was a heavenly shepherd's crook, like the one carried by our blessed virgin-born (and allegedly virgin-died too) Lord, Savior and Shepherd.

    (I hope (((Billy))) doesn't mind me using some parentheses. I didn't steal them from his stock, honest!)

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  18. The root of the Purple Jesus drink is this: Young people throw a party, provide some grape coolade in a large pitcher. All the guests pour in a bit of booze - whatever they brought and you end up with a thoroughly fucked up concoction which is purple and gross and everyone takes a drink and exclaims, "Jesus!!". 'sTrue.

    Isn't that the set of The Shining in that video? I kept waiting for a river of blood to pour onto the floor.

    Now - why wouldn't Jesus want you to sit on his face? I'm sure you're a better lay than Mary Magdeline!

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