So I ripped open the envelope and I found my "loan" inside. It was a magical, super duper, prayer rug. A magical, super duper, prayer rug made out of paper! With a purple Jesus on it! See for yourself.
Isn't this the most awesome paper Jesus rug you've ever seen? I tried flying on it, but it didn't work. Either it's not really that magical, or Jesus didn't like me sitting on his face. Anyway, at the bottom of the rug it has these instructions, "Look into Jesus' eyes you will see they are closed. But as you continue to look you will see His eyes opening and looking back into your eyes."
I was skeptical at first, but after I started staring at Jesus, I'll be damned if he didn't start staring back at me. In fact, we had a stare-down, but I won. I have to confess that I cheated, though by poking him in the eye. He wouldn't quit looking at me!!
After I spanked Jesus in the staring contest, I was supposed to kneel on my Rug of Faith or just touch it to both knees. Then I was to "check my prayer needs" on the letter, and then return the letter and the rug. Huh? Return? What the fuck, people? You can't send me something as groovy as my magical rug and then expect me to give it back. I'm keeping it. I'm going to use it as a placemat, but only for special occasions.
I am, however, sending back the letter with "my prayer needs" checked. I had to fill in my own needs, because I didn't need any of the needs they had listed. Need I say more? Of course, I do. Here's what I'm sending:
Since you don't have my need listed, I thought it would be A-OK if I just wrote my own. I'm sure being good, Christian people from a 57 year old church, you won't mind. I need for Gary Cooper to show up at my door. I would ask for Johnny Depp, but I don't think even Jesus could pull off that one. However, since Jesus has practice at raising people from the dead, I figure Gary Cooper should be pretty easy. I also need Gary to be dressed up like a million dollar trouper, trying hard to look like..um..himself. He should be riding a giant, feral cat, and be carrying a basket filled with: 13 walnuts, 3.2 ounces of transmission fluid, a tube sock with a purple stripe, a red pageboy wig, a clown nose, the June 1941 edition of National Geographic, a 15 amp fuse, a pair of wire cutters and the Holy Spirit trapped inside a mayonnaise jar. I can't wait until Jesus answers my prayer!There was also a prophecy written just for me. It was even sealed, and had this warning written on the outside, "If for any reason you are not going return this Church Prayer Rug, then this sacred prophecy must be destroyed, unopened and unread, because this is a sacred, spiritual prophecy, sealed word, concerning you and your future."
Yo, Church People. I am not giving back the rug. If you wanted the damn thing so bad, you should have never sent it to me.
But I still wanted to know what my sacred prophecy was. So, I threw caution to the wind, tilted my head ever so slightly upwards, laughed maniacally, and opened my sacred prophecy. I have to say that when I read it, I was severely disappointed. Here's kind of how it went...."My Child, blah blah blah²." It was something about me needing to set new goals in my life, and change was coming, and hey this prophecy totally sucks ass, doesn't it?
I thought when I opened the letter and saw that it was written to, "Dear...Someone Connected with This Address", it was going to be something really special just for me.
Oh well, at least I have my purple Jesus placemat.
Freaky side note: The ever adorable Kathleen left a comment that she had a letter to send to me. Oddly enough, it was this same exact prayer rug letter. I think someone's watching us.