January 18, 2008

Meanwhile, I rambled.


Meanwhile, Back at the Hall of Justice

When I was little I wanted to be Wonder Woman. Not the live-action Linda Carter Wonder Woman, but the cartoon Super Friends Wonder Woman. I loved her hair, her boots, her bullet-deflecting bracelets, and even her star-spangled corset-teddy-slut suit thing. I'll bet it was really a bodysuit - one with snaps at the crotch. Did anyone else ever have to wear those? I don't know what kind of sadist invented them, but they were one sick individual. Bodysuits were especially horrible when you outgrew one, but still tried to wear it anyway. Because once you were to big for the thing and tried to snap it, as soon as you straightened back up it suddenly unsnapped, and you had a crotch snaps flying at your face at about 200 mph. I'm sure there was more than one person back in the 70s who suffered facial trauma from a flying bodysuit snap.

Anyway, back to Wonder Woman. Even though I wanted to be her more than anything in the whole wide world, I thought her invisible plane sucked big, green monkey nuts. You know why? Because while the plane was invisible, Wonder Woman was not. I hated that, and I'll bet I wasn't the only kid on Saturday morning sitting there thinking that Wonder Woman was a complete twat if she thought that no one could see her because she was flying an invisible plane. We could totally see you, Wonder Woman. Right through your stupid invisible plane.

Meanwhile, Back at the Church of Fucking

You guys remember Earl? The preacher at the Cathedral of the Holy Spirit at Chapel Hill Harvester Church whose nephew was also his son? You know, the one that didn't fuck a camel.

Well, Earl still hasn't fornicated with a camel, but dammit all I wish he would.

Earl did, however, plead guilty to lying his holy ass off under oath about ever putting his peepee into any woman other than his wife. The paternity test that proved he was his nephew's daddy kind of gave him away. I'm thinkin' Earl's pretty pissed that his god ever invented that damn DNA shit. Due to Earl being a douche bag, and not only sleeping with his brother's wife, but then lying about it, he was fined $1000 and is on probation for 10 years.

I'll bet he wouldn't get more than 10 years probation for boinking a camel. So, whatta ya say Earl? Take one for the team. Give me something good to write about, because when I have to resort to writing about Wonder Woman and you not fucking a camel, Earl, I obviously don't have any decent fodder.

Meanwhile, Back at Church Sign O' the Week

Finally! It's been so long since I've had a good church sign. I think Church Sign Guy has been cheating on me with some other atheist chick. But, it's okay, because this week's sign more than makes up for his philandering ways.


Oh, Church Thign Guy. You're tho clever! At your church, can you get your boobth growed, and your nothe thrinked? Maybe even have your penith pumped or have implanth thtuck in your ath? You rock my world, Church Thign Guy. Theriously.

Take Care,
Babth

17 comments:

  1. Maybe the pastor is Daffy Duck.
    Anyway, I'd love to hear the congregation thing "What a Friend We Have in Jeethuhth."

    And by combining both the superhero theme and the lisping theme of this post, I'm reminded of the punchline to an old joke: You're Thor?! What about me? I can hardly thit down.

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  2. Sarge8:51 AM

    I remember that joke, too. I heard it as, "...I can't even pith." though.

    Maybe ol' Earl just has an interpretation of "the lord loves a cheerful giver" somewhat askew?

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  3. Do you think church sign guy sends spam emails too? Someone thinks I need penis enhancement. I also remember body suits. I had one and hated it because it was way too tight in the crotch. Can you imagine how painful it would have been if I'd had a penis?

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  4. Ewwwwww...bodysuits. I hated them because I could never get them fastened very fast so there I was - half-squatting in the girl's room at school for what seemed like forever fiddling with the snaps "down there."

    Now my addition to the Flummadiddle Lisping Chorus:
    -Bleththed Athuranth-
    "Thith ith my thtory, thith ith my thong,
    Pwaithing my Thaavior, all the day long;
    Thith ith my thtory, thith is my thong,
    PWaithing my Thavior, all the day long."

    Okay - this is weird, since it's been a few decades since I've set foot in a church, for anything other than a wedding, I couldn't quite remember all the lyrics to my thong, so I went to a hymn website to find them. While I was there, I participated in a poll: "When did you become a Christian?" The choices were divided by decade & the last choice was, "I am not a Christian." When I clicked that & hit submit, it kicked me off the site. I guess they only want people there who still believe in imaginary friends. No surprise, really.

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  5. Doc B:
    Hey, you've really compounded the Christian speech problem by adding a Baba Walters "r" to the lithp. I love it. Little by little, I'm starting to learn why I can never understand those guys.

    Jeethuhth Kwigh-tht!

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  6. Babbles said: I'm sure there was more than one person back in the 70s who suffered facial trauma from a flying bodysuit snap.

    Now we get the true story on your "half-face avatar". You ain't scratchin'!

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  7. Ex - I don't know what the joke is, but I laughed at the punchline.

    Sarge - Well, Earl definitely gave. And gave, and gave, if you're to believe the other 8 women who have filed charges against him.

    Chappy - If only Freddie Mercury were still with us, we could ask him about the bodysuit/penis problem. Don't get me wrong, I love me some Freddie, but I guarantee he wore a bodysuit or two in his lifetime.

    Dr. B - That's awesome. I mean the Blessed Assurance thing, but now I'm going to be singing all the hymns I know with a lisp. I just hope I don't do so out loud.

    I have to find this website. I wanna get kicked off, too.

    Evo - Well, did you think I was really going to admit that I was mauled by a crotch snap?

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  8. Here it is: http://www.hymnlyrics.org/mostpopularhymn.html

    The poll is in the right hand sidebar. Here's the kicker - it's not logging the non-Christian vote. I voted twice - got kicked off twice and when I went back to view the results, there were zero "I'm not Christian" votes.

    If the website were a lolcat, the caption would read, "Realities, we manipulates dem."

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  9. All I could think about (unfortunately) when you mentioned bodysuits that are too small was the herd of camel toes that would come out to parade around during the 70's. More often than not some woman would stuff herself into a full length jumsuit, that just didn't quite fit correctly, usually with uncomfortable results.

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  10. One of the priests at my Catholick grade school spoke with a lisp. This really would have gone over well there. But I don't remember having church signs back then. I don't thing gawd had resorted to marketing strategies yet.

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  11. Dr. B - Thanks. I went there and then wrote the webmaster asking him why his poll was set to not count the non-christian votes. I also told him that I'd bet Jesus wouldn't kick non-christians off his website.

    Carla - Hey. Camel toes went right along with the post theme. But, the stretchy jumpsuits were so, so bad.

    Fwig - I think it just took god a long time to really grasp the fact that tacky letter signs out in front of the churches would bring the sheep in droves.

    I don't remember any teachers with lisps. I did go to church with a guy named Mr. Worthington and he had a harelip. He also used to give me candy. I don't really think I'm going anywhere with this, am I?

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  12. How did WW know where the controls were? What about the gauges? You can't read invisible gauges. What did it run on, invisible fuel? If it ever broke, where would you get spare parts from? So many questions. You know if I was one of the Super Friends I'd have to move her plane and watch her try and find it. They didn't have those alarms back in the 70s so she couldn't just click her keychain and listen for the CHIRP CHIRP.

    As a man, you have to hate body suits. No easy access. ;)

    Earl could get some hot camel action in Florida, but he has to hurry.

    Saggy faith must suck. Everyone knows there's nothing better than firm, perky, gravity defying faith.

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  13. Sarge6:15 PM

    Speech impediments are really something. The last control tower I was in charge of, one of the new people who came in stuttered very badly. Hell of a nice guy, but I could just see what was going to happen when he got "on the mike". Turned out I was wrong; when he cursed, sang (beautiful voice), or was "on the mike" he spoke clearly, not an inflection out of place. Then one day I was doing some paper work and an aircraft declared an emergency, and he did, indeed "lose it". I hadn't heard what happened and, give him this, he couldn't get one word out, but he took a deep breath and started singing, "We've got a U-21 with gear problems, please take the mike and I'll do the rest!" The aircraft landed safely, (he sang into the crash line, too) and after it was all over we all laughed for fifteen minutes straight.

    One of our former cadets stuttered as well, he went to our CAP encampment (he was thirteen) and it almost disappeared for the next four months. Came back, though.

    PC, my wife sells items to combat "saggy" things. I must ask if they sell bras for saggy faith when the religious let it all hang out.

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  14. Philly - How much easier access do you want than snaps at the crotch?

    Sarge - Great story. I personally think on Mondays everyone should have to sing instead of speak. So, instead of having the Monday blues, you could sing them.

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  15. Sorry, I was thinking more of a jumpsuit I guess. I think I know what you're talking about now. The things gay men in Europe have dreamt up for you women to wear over the years. It boggles the mind.

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  16. Body suits suck. Unbelievably uncomfortable and not in the least bit attractive - especially as I'm long-waisted, so I always felt like my shoulders were being pulled to my crotch. Hell!

    Dang it! I saw a church sign for it. Now to remember it...shit, it used ASAP in a church-y way...Always Say a Prayer...but I forget what preceded it.

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  17. Anonymous9:17 PM

    Hello, I am the webmaster of www.hymnlyrics.org. We are very welcome to Christians and non-Christians alike. The poll you were referring to was having HTML coding glitches. I had many people report to me that when they voted, they were kicked off the site (no matter how they voted). I apologize for the misconception. Hope you have a great day!

    Kevin

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