January 6, 2008

To All the Men I've Loved Before

Do any of you men suffer from MGO? You know, M.G.O. It's code for Male Genital Odors. I had never heard of MGO until I found a product that promises to have your malodorous manhood smelling minty fresh in no time. Well, praise Jesus and pass down a tube of NodorO™! Of course, if your junk really is rank, I suppose it's no laughing matter, but the NodorO™ website most definitely is.

Here are some excerpts that I've delicately plucked from the website, and it's a lot of fun if you imagine Julia Child is reading them to you. I know she's dead, but that doesn't mean you still can't imagine her voice, does it? Her voice is just the one that popped into my head when I started reading these. I'm sure there's some freaky psychological reason for it.

Why the hell am I trying to explain myself? On with the fetid wiener stuff. Oh, one more thing, you can imagine my writing being read to you by whomever you so desire. Now, seriously on with the fetid wiener stuff.
Have you ever asked yourself? "Why is it that no matter how much time and effort I put into washing my penis in the shower, I still get that awful whiff of a rancid smell throughout the day, or even right after a shower?"
Oh so that's what we're calling it? Washing my penis in the shower? That is one lame euphemism for masturbating. However, if you really are washing your hoodihang, and you're putting a lot of effort into it that may be why you're in a state of reekness down south. You're probably getting chaffed from all the vigorous washing, and now your nut cannon is infected. Way to go, you dick scrubbing moron.
Let's be honest, unpleasant smells are a turn off for anyone, and the last thing you want is for a fishy smell to be coming from your own penis.
Does this mean you wouldn't mind a fishy smell coming from one of your buddy's penises? I'm sorry, I've been with a few an undisclosed number of men in my life, and I've never encountered any fishy smell. Or a rancid smell. Or anything so terribly awful that I thought that the man needed medication because he had a bad case of the dick funk. Maybe I've led a sheltered life and haven't been exposed to such horrors. If that's the case, then I'm eternally grateful for whatever circumstances allowed that to happen.
Take charge of your hygiene, improve your confidence, and get NodorO™ today. You too, will soon be able to say: "I SMELL PERFECT!".
Not to nitpick, but I think you will soon be able to say, "MY DICK SMELLS PERFECT!" (I can only imagine what kind of people that's gonna bring to my blog.)
NodorO™ targets the micro-fungi called tinea corporis that may be causing your MGO.

Other, less serious side effects may be more likely to occur. These include burning, itching, irritation of the skin, and an increased need to urinate.

NodorO™ SHOULD NEVER BE INGESTED UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.
I think they're serious about that last one. So, even if you're at the movies and you're super hungry, but you're all engrossed in the flick and don't want to leave your seat and all you have is your tube of NodorO™, DO NOT EAT IT. Just pick up some popcorn from the floor to hold you over. I also think "SHOULD NEVER BE INGESTED" means no hummers while you're medicating your member. Not even as a joke, because the hummer giver will not think it's funny. Not even a little bit.

Also, just to be a total geek, I have to point out that tinea corporis is the fungus commonly referred to as ringworm, which can be cured by any anti-fungal medication. When it's on your nether regions, it's referred to as tinea cruris, which is a fancy name for jock itch. Which oddly enough causes burning, itching and irritation of the skin - exactly the side effects of this amazing product. It's like getting two cases of jock itch for the price of one! Score!

Finally, should you order NodorO™ and find it's just not getting rid of your stinkystank, there's a money-back guarantee. All you have to do is follow these 2 easy steps:
#1. Complete the "RETURN FORM"

#2. Return the packing slip, along with the original box and the remaining of the product WITHIN 30 DAYS of the purchase date.
Uh. Seriously? You want the unused product back? Do you mix it back in with the other batches? How the hell do you know that some guy didn't just squirt the stuff onto Mr. Dinky STRAIGHT FROM THE TUBE? What if the tube touched his STINKY YOU KNOW WHAT? And you want that back? That's just way nasty, NodorO™ people.


But remember boys,
if you use NodorO™...






Take Care,
Babs -who thinks it's high time the men had to share in all the "fishy smell" jokes.

25 comments:

  1. LMAO! I have never been so glad not to be a man as I am right now.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Well, I can't speak for any other men, but I've never had the urge to check out how my schlong smells. If I found out that it does smell like fish, though, I'd probably just pour some white wine over it before serving.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Ex: LOL!

    When I was young a male friend made a joke about girls and 'tuna' smell. I didn't get the joke. My female pal immediately objected stating that men can also smell fishy if they didn't wash. I still didn't get it. In hindsight I should have taken this opportunity to announce that "I smell perfect!" but you know how it is. You always come up with a better retort once it's too late.

    ReplyDelete
  4. This is biblical you know. Just after God created Eve, her and Adam had sex. God came along for his daily talk with Adam and asked how he liked her, to which he said, she's great. Then God asked where she was and Adam told him that they just had sex and she went down to the river to wash up. God said, "Great, now I'll never get that smell out of the fish!

    Don't kill the messenger!

    ReplyDelete
  5. LMFAO! I've never had the fishy smell either, but now that you've made me sufficiently paranoid, maybe I'll swing by the gym, get in the shower, and give the holy trinity a good scrubbing during my lunch break.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Dick Funk, I think I went to college with him.

    ReplyDelete
  7. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!

    Thanks, Babs. That's made my day.

    All I can think about is Homer Simpson going: "mmmmmm....dick funk"

    ReplyDelete
  8. Wow, I can only imagine how happy, not to mention uncomfortable, a fish out of water feels.

    mmmmmmm....dick funk...
    *snort!*

    ReplyDelete
  9. you guys are freaking riot.


    Now when I get home from work, instead of asking her how her day went I will ask her if my love muscle ever smelled like fish.

    Paranoia sets it.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Chap - Me, too. Of course, there has never been one time in my life where I've wanted to be a man. Not one.

    Ex - Okay, that's really funny and gross. The gross part is why I find it so amusing. But, I wonder if white wine is a deodorizer like vinegar?

    Fwig - I think you need to find these former friends and send them each a letter that reads, "I smell perfect. Love, Fwig."

    Davinci- So, you're saying you're a messenger of god now?

    Lifeguard - For fuck's sake. Didn't you learn anything from my post? NO SCRUBBING THE COCK'N BALLS!

    Carla - Hahahaha. I think we all went to college with a Dick Funk.

    Urban Viking - Well, you're welcome. And now all I can think about is Homer going, "mmmmmmmm...dick funk"

    Shedevil - Oh yeah, goldfish love it when they're out of the water. Cause then they're gasping for air and drying out and flopping around on the ground, which would lead to chaffing, which we all know leads to jock itch, which leads to NodorO. See, it's a slick marketing ploy.

    JP - Well, thank you for the kind words. My blog readers really are a riot. Why do I have this feeling that all of my male blog readers have been doing a sniff check of their crotches today?

    ReplyDelete
  11. "The Package" is like 3' away from my nose. How the hell am I supposed to know what it smells like? Damn, now I'm all paranoid and I don't even have any white wine in the house.

    ReplyDelete
  12. reading this has set off my coughing fit...I laughed so hard and I think I peed myself too.

    C'mon, that's not as gross and fishy smelling penis.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Here's the thing though Flummy...if guys could get close enough to smell the twig & berries they'd be close enough to give themselves a little oral action (don't lie guys - you know you'd do it if you could) and then they'd never leave the house.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Philly:

    I think the only solution would be to try and fan some air from down there up towards your nose.

    Either that, or just ask a stranger "Hey, would you mind sniffing my balls? I'm too embarassed to ask anyone I know."

    ReplyDelete
  15. Sarge8:06 AM

    When I was in high school there was a person who was referred to as "Stink Bag" because he didn't practice proper genital hygene.

    This prompted one of the gymn teachers to take all of us, the circumcised and not, to take us to the side and counsel us about this problem. He acquainted us with rhe horrors of "Smegma" which he stated had the more popular nomenclature of "Pecker Cheese" among the less sophistocated. Urged the liberal use of soap and water.

    But then, ignorance about reproductive organs is ever evident. My wife and I took part in a christmas day "revel" to which we contributed our turkey. This turkey was "free range" and most people had very little idea that turkey
    even HAD a taste, let alone that it could taste that good. I was explaining to some people that it was also a capon, and could see some of the young men wrinkling their brows in some confusion. They thought 'capon' was an indication that a super hero was on duty and how this applied to poultry.

    So, about fifteen minutes later they braced me and asked what it meant. I explained that it was what you got when you removed the testicles, a horse in this condition is a gelding, a sheep is a wether, a cow is a steer.

    They nodded, then one asked what they all wanted to know: "Just where do you find a turkey's SCROTE?"

    Such ignorance might warrent this product you've advocated.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Oh heavens, you just never know what you're going to find when you stop by Bab's blog. Always hilarious, that's for sure. I loved your sign-off!!

    I stopped by to share this with you...I was stunned by the sheer ignorance.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I'm still laughing. STOP IT!!!

    ReplyDelete
  18. First - LOL! I have to show this to my husband.

    Second - Tag, you're it! http://deconstructedchristian.blogspot.com/2008/01/six-things.html

    ReplyDelete
  19. Philly - Even three feet away, if your package smelled like fish, you'd know it.

    Claudia - Hahahaha. You're right. It's not as gross as a stinky penis.

    Brainiac - True, but they wouldn't be giving themselves any oral action if their junk smelled like fish.

    Sarge - These are the same kind of people who would ignore the warning label and probably try to eat some of it, too. I have to admit that "Pecker Cheese" is pretty gross, but not so gross to stop me from using the phrase.

    Kat - I think this has to be my first post ever dedicated to penises, though. Isn't it?

    Royce - I've stopped. Definitely stopped.

    Heather - Woohoo! Thanks for the tag. I promise to get on it promptly.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Flummy honey, this may be the only post devoted entirely to peni, but apparently the topic comes up a lot. --pun intended.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Brainiac - What can I say. I love the dick.

    ReplyDelete
  22. This was just too much fun! LOL!

    ReplyDelete
  23. Hey Babs, don't knock the "shower scrubbing." Sometimes it's all the fun a man can have :)

    ReplyDelete
  24. Sarge6:12 PM

    When I was a young man there was a joke among us in basic training about a troop caught "bopping the bishop" in the shower.

    He was duly charge with an "act of moral turpitude" and stood in front of the commanding officer who demanded an accounting.

    This young man said that he was merely following the directions to clean himself as directed in the hygene class. It was HIS soap and HIS schlong, and damned if he wouldn't wash it as fast and thoroughly as he saw fit.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Roopster - Wash all you want, just don't scrub.

    Sarge - It's amazing just how many euphemisms there are for masturbating.

    ReplyDelete