January 23, 2008

You Say PoTAYto, I say Jesus!

Jesus is back, and this time he's in a rotten spot in a potato. Pastor Renee Brewster and her husband, Bishop Winston Brewster, are the proud owners of the Jesus spud. Hold the phone. A pastor and a bishop? I wonder if they're like the Wonder Twins and can take the form of water or an animal. Wonder Twin powers activate...form of a baptismal...shape of a dove.

I seriously have this weird Super Friends thing going on this week. I think it's some kind of sign. I'm just not sure what, yet.

Anywho, Renee discovered the Jesus potato while she was making potato salad for their weekly rescue mission. She was hesitant about making the salad because she didn't feel like hers was as good as Sister Frankie's. I can't say that I blame her. For one thing, the homeless are extremely picky about their potato salad, and would probably riot if she put too much celery seed in it. Until you've seen a group of hungry, homeless people in a rage over potato salad, then you, my friend, have never seen true carnage. The other thing is, and I hate to break it to Renee, but no one can make potato salad like Sister Frankie. She's the Tater Queen. Ain't nobody what can beat the Tater Queen.

Looking for a way to get out of her potato duty, Renee did what any good christian would do. She prayed. "Lord if it’s not for me to make potato salad then send me a sign.” I know that a lot of you are thinking that when Renee started her prayer with "Lord" she meant the lord mentioned in the bible. But, a friend of a cousin of a co-worker of Renee's neighbor told me that Renee really prays to Jack Lord.

Lord answered her prayer and dispatched Jesus to burrow into one of the potatoes Renee was using. I'm going to let you in on a secret. Jack Lord is in heaven right this very minute, and he is the Chief Jesus Dispatcher. He also always sends Jesus out with an "Aloha, sucker." Jesus hates that.

But, back to the potato.

I'm not sure which one of these is supposed to be the real Jesus potato. It's highly possible that Jesus has his own Wonder Twin. If he does, it would be more like...shape of a nail puller...form of Band-aids. A lot of them. Possibly a tourniquet.

Maybe Renee can help us figure out which is the genuine Flying Jesus Potato. “It’s remarkable. Even when I cut the good part off the cross ended up being shaped like a tomb from long ago.”

Frankly, I don't know what the hell she's talking about. If the real Jesus is the one on the right, the potato is shaped like a stalactite. If the real Jesus is on the left, the potato is shaped like a, well, much like a chunk of potato.

I know the burning question on everyone's mind is if Renee got out of her potato salad duty. No way. Lord told her to shut her cakehole, and make the friggin' salad, already. Renee obeyed, because no one refuses Steve McGarrett. And did the Flying Jesus Potato bring her luck in her salad making endeavor? Here's what Bishop B told Renee, “It was good. It was the best you ever made...it was almost as good as Sister Frankie's". Uh oh. Looks like the Tater Queen better watch out, 'cause there's a new spud slinger in town, and she's got Jesus and Jack Lord watchin' her back. I think there's a Tater Queen Throwdown in the near future.

Bishop B also stated, "When this occurred it gave us this extra motivation that intuition hey we aren't in this alone". Don't ask me what the fuck he's trying to say. I'm just quoting from the article. Maybe someone at Fox 35 needs to throw in a comma once in awhile, or maybe Bishop B has been drinking some of Sister Frankie's "Heavenly Hooch". That Sister Frankie is one talented woman in the kitchen.

Totally stoked from her delusional high, Renee summed up her experience as such, “I just want people to know God is still as real today as he was back then and he can show up anytime he gets ready.” Well, praise the Flying Jesus Potato and pass me some tater salad. Just be careful when you're eating it, or you may find yourself chewing on a big chunk of Jesus. And he's so not tasty.

Many thanks to The Chaplain for alerting me to this tuberrific sighting.

Take Care,


  1. Jesus! She cut him in half. Lengthwise, right down the freakin middle! She probably killed him. Now he'll never come back to grace our cheese sandwiches, split oaks and underpasses. He's dead.

    Book'em, Danno!

  2. I don't think she should have used those pieces in a potato salad. Instead, she should have cruci-fried them.

    But assuming she didn't use them at all, could she have given them to the homeless kids to play with as a new toy: Mr. Potato-Jesus Head?

  3. Does it strike anyone else that the all-powerful, omniscient, omnipresent, Omni-driving, all-everything, alpha and omega (plus BComplex vitamins) has slacked off a bit on the miracle front? First 'he' (it, she, whatever?) creates the entire universe, the solar system, the earth, all life on earth, the geologic formations and fossils to fool us evile darwiniests. Then, he parts the Red Sea (not a bad miracle). Then water into wine, bread becomes more bread (sounds like a sourdough starter I use which starts with stale bread, flour, sugar and . . . nevermind), healing the sick (ah, god MD (sounds like a bad sitcom)). Through the middle ages, it was defeating the Saracens, converting pagans, helping the poor (but not too much). Now, a miracle consists of Mary in peanut butter, oil on a garage floor, or in the spackle on a wall. Now an (I'm not sure what the technical term is, so I'll wing it) inclusion in a potato formed, usually, because the potato got too dry while growing?

    I guess god must be getting real tired. Either that, or he used up all his miracles on the Jews.

    Fun post. I found your site yesterday and love it.

  4. Anonymous7:28 AM

    I'm shocked - shocked - that you people can speak so lightheartedly, even derogatorily, about a bona fide miracle from the Creator, Lord, Father, Savior, Judge, Governor, Preserver, Friend and Lover of us all. I hereby pronounce a curse on all of your potato salads and pray that Jesus will infest every single one of them through and through so that you will be reminded of his divine, imminent, delightful and tasty presence with every bite you take. Amen, so be it Lord.

    And add just a tad more mayo next time.

  5. I find it absolutely hysterical that these days people find Jesus in potatoes and Mary in grilled cheese sandwiches, but they freak the hell out over a perfectly tasteful chocolate Jesus sculpture. Wtf?

  6. yea, im thinking the pieces of potato are a little to small, i prefer larger chunks. hmmm do you think she uses mustard? or vinegar?

  7. Chaplain: I can't speak for anyone else, but I'm taking this exactly as seriously as it deserves.I am a strong believer in situational maturity. I will act as mature (and take as seriously) as the situation warrants.

  8. Billy made a great point. God/Jesus is slacking big time these days in the miracle department. Are they selling the spud on ebay?

  9. I found a Satan in my burger tonight at dinner. Damnit, I should have taken a picture. I don't remember a single Satan sighting reported before. I could have made millions!

  10. It's no fun unless you have to find Jesus, Lifeguard. Chocolate Jesus is a sculpted Jesus, but compared to the joy in discovering him in a potato, an eggplant, or a grease stain, there's no satisfaction. It's sort of a where's Waldo effect.

  11. trinity1:17 AM

    i never saw Jesus's's picture in food but i once saw E-S-U in alphabet soup.

  12. trinity1:30 AM


    hey some thing made me press O.k before i was dun!!! so mabye it was Jesus Christ didnt want me to say this. but i will any way because it is not bad about Jesus Christ its only bad about alphabit soup.

    after i saw E-S-U i thouhgt it might be the middel of Jesus's's name but then the E moved around and i relized it was only Sue. i have a cousin named Sue so it must of been Sue in my soup. just in case you didnt notise, say that out lowd three or five times and it will make you luagh. Sue in my soup. Get it? (it is all most as funny as when Moe pokes Larrys eye, right?)

    it made me luagh so hard that soup came out of my nose. so it was a good thing it wasnt Jesus.

  13. “I just want people to know God is still as real today as he was back then and he can show up anytime he gets ready,”

    I agree, I'm just surprised they admit that the Jesus of the bible was only as real as a rotten potato. How impressive is it for a rotten potato Jesus to "walk" on water?

  14. Yeah, I heard about the punctuation shortage over at Fox 35. Shame. You know they really do look like Jesuses. But Jesuses with long long Egytian cat legs.

    Here's the most important thing bout potato salads. The very best potato salads have apples in it. Swear to god its the truth. Nothing transcends potato salad like apples. If Sister Frankie aint using apples in her tater salad then she's a fuckin amateur and she'll burn in hell.

    PS - excellect use of the word tuberrific. Kudos.

  15. What the hell? How did I not respond to even one comment? What's wrong with me?

    This is embarrassing. I feel so guilty.

    Anyway, thanks for all the comments! Glad you enjoyed the Most Holy Spud.

    But, Fwig, I have to have the recipe for the potato salad with apples.

    Also, thanks for stopping by, Happy nat.

    And, Billy, I'm glad you found my site. Welcome to the Unholy Land of Flumadiddle.

    How did I miss commenting on the comments? This really disturbs me.

    I'm going to go and be disturbed, now. More disturbed than usual.