Jesus is back, and this time he's in a rotten spot in a potato. Pastor Renee Brewster and her husband, Bishop Winston Brewster, are the proud owners of the Jesus spud. Hold the phone. A pastor and a bishop? I wonder if they're like the Wonder Twins and can take the form of water or an animal. Wonder Twin powers activate...form of a baptismal...shape of a dove.
I seriously have this weird Super Friends thing going on this week. I think it's some kind of sign. I'm just not sure what, yet.
Anywho, Renee discovered the Jesus potato while she was making potato salad for their weekly rescue mission. She was hesitant about making the salad because she didn't feel like hers was as good as Sister Frankie's. I can't say that I blame her. For one thing, the homeless are extremely picky about their potato salad, and would probably riot if she put too much celery seed in it. Until you've seen a group of hungry, homeless people in a rage over potato salad, then you, my friend, have never seen true carnage. The other thing is, and I hate to break it to Renee, but no one can make potato salad like Sister Frankie. She's the Tater Queen. Ain't nobody what can beat the Tater Queen.
Looking for a way to get out of her potato duty, Renee did what any good christian would do. She prayed. "Lord if it’s not for me to make potato salad then send me a sign.” I know that a lot of you are thinking that when Renee started her prayer with "Lord" she meant the lord mentioned in the bible. But, a friend of a cousin of a co-worker of Renee's neighbor told me that Renee really prays to Jack Lord.
Lord answered her prayer and dispatched Jesus to burrow into one of the potatoes Renee was using. I'm going to let you in on a secret. Jack Lord is in heaven right this very minute, and he is the Chief Jesus Dispatcher. He also always sends Jesus out with an "Aloha, sucker." Jesus hates that.
But, back to the potato.
I'm not sure which one of these is supposed to be the real Jesus potato. It's highly possible that Jesus has his own Wonder Twin. If he does, it would be more like...shape of a nail puller...form of Band-aids. A lot of them. Possibly a tourniquet.
Maybe Renee can help us figure out which is the genuine Flying Jesus Potato. “It’s remarkable. Even when I cut the good part off the cross ended up being shaped like a tomb from long ago.”
Frankly, I don't know what the hell she's talking about. If the real Jesus is the one on the right, the potato is shaped like a stalactite. If the real Jesus is on the left, the potato is shaped like a, well, much like a chunk of potato.
I know the burning question on everyone's mind is if Renee got out of her potato salad duty. No way. Lord told her to shut her cakehole, and make the friggin' salad, already. Renee obeyed, because no one refuses Steve McGarrett. And did the Flying Jesus Potato bring her luck in her salad making endeavor? Here's what Bishop B told Renee, “It was good. It was the best you ever made...it was almost as good as Sister Frankie's". Uh oh. Looks like the Tater Queen better watch out, 'cause there's a new spud slinger in town, and she's got Jesus and Jack Lord watchin' her back. I think there's a Tater Queen Throwdown in the near future.
Bishop B also stated, "When this occurred it gave us this extra motivation that intuition hey we aren't in this alone". Don't ask me what the fuck he's trying to say. I'm just quoting from the article. Maybe someone at Fox 35 needs to throw in a comma once in awhile, or maybe Bishop B has been drinking some of Sister Frankie's "Heavenly Hooch". That Sister Frankie is one talented woman in the kitchen.
Totally stoked from her delusional high, Renee summed up her experience as such, “I just want people to know God is still as real today as he was back then and he can show up anytime he gets ready.” Well, praise the Flying Jesus Potato and pass me some tater salad. Just be careful when you're eating it, or you may find yourself chewing on a big chunk of Jesus. And he's so not tasty.
Many thanks to The Chaplain for alerting me to this tuberrific sighting.