January 21, 2008

Chuck 'n Huck

Chuck Norris wrote an absolutely fascinating article over at the National Ledger. And by fascinating, I mean I laughed so hard I choked. I won't post the entire comedic script here, but I'll point out a few highlights.
Sitting at another full-throttle World Combat League event in San Antonio, Texas, on Friday night, I caught myself momentarily reflecting back upon the previous two days of campaigning with GOP front-runner Mike Huckabee. As the contestants combated in the WCL ring, I thought to myself, "The fight of the century would be Hillary vs. Huckabee in the presidential ring."
Ah, I can't tell you how many times I, too, have been at a World Combat League event and found myself reflecting. One time, I even found myself pondering which led me to almost slip into reminiscing, but I stopped myself in the nick of time. By the way, your thoughts scare me. Inside your head is a big, empty, dark, scary place to be. Much like I imagine Condoleezza Rice's vagina to be. Not that I spend much time thinking about her cooch, but on those rare occasions when I do, I can't stop myself from comparing it to your head.
I've trained fighters for nearly four decades now. I was a six-time world champion. I pretty much know what it takes to create a winner. And I believe there is a similarity between making winners in the fighting ring and the presidential one: Only the strong survive.
And only the good die young, and only the lonely know why I cry. However, god only knows what I'd be without you, because only you and you alone can thrill me like you do. Six time world champion? Well, sweet Jesus on an eggbeater. With credentials like that, how could I resist your order to vote for Mike? Oh, I know. Because I will never, ever vote for Mike Huckabee unless it's for something like, "Most Delusional Politician of the Year."
Right now the Clinton machine (which Huckabee calls "the sausage grinder") is planning how to slice and dice each of the GOP candidates if they win the nomination.
Forget those other grinders. The Clinton Machine not only grinds, but with the easy to use attachments, it also slices, dices, quarters, chops, minces, grates and juices. Why bother with cumbersome knives, grinders and graters? Don't clutter your counters with countless implements. The Clinton Machine does it all. Order now and we'll also send you the Clinton Machine Chia Pet absolutely free!
The only resource Clinton has that could combat Mike is more money, and in this ring, we all know the muscle in that fist. But we can prevent that, and we must do it by financially joining Mike's army before it's too late.
The muscle in that fist? Are you trying to talk dirty to me, Chuck? How much muscle are you holding in your big, hairy-knuckled, man fist? Oh, do you mean the collective Clinton Machine fist? I guess I'm going to have to change my advertisement to include that the Clinton Machine also punches. Which could come in handy just in case you're suddenly attacked by Chuck Norris while grinding your sausage.
Keep Hope alive! Join my wife Gena and me in electing Mike Huckabee!
Well, slap my ass and call me Spanky! Chuck's married? I would have never thought that someone would marry that. I wonder if his wife has to wear a rain coat all the time to keep from being doused by all that Chucktosterone. I think in order to really convince people to vote for Huckabee, Chuck should have written, "Join my wife Gena and me in electing Mike Huckabee, or I'll beat you into a bloody pulp and leave your carcass to be consumed by maggots. Walker, Texas Ranger RULES!"

Take Care,


  1. Oh wow. Who would have thought his writing style would be just as lame, affected and transparent as his acting style - and his thought processes just as vacuous? Amazing...

  2. He had an article a year or so ago where he said that he'd stamp atheists on the forehead or something.

    This blog puts the most frightening imagery into my brain. I can safely say that up until today I never once thought of Condee's cooch. Now it's there in my mind. Ugh.

  3. But we can prevent that, and we must do it by financially joining Mike's army before it's too late.

    Uh huh. I could have guessed ahead of time that it would all come down to money.

  4. Anonymous5:23 PM

    Consider this my order for my very own Clinton Machine. That would make a dandy accessory for the chapel.

  5. I'm pretty sure this is one of Chuck's attempts at comedy. He just doesn't realize yet that he's not very funny.

  6. Help! I keep looking at that picture, and I can't decide which one is Condee's cooz (that's New Yawkese) and which one is the virgin Mary.

  7. and only the lonely know why I cry. But . . . But . . . But, Chuck Norris NEVER cries (though if he did, his tears would cure cancer).

    Hilarious post. I often judge (and yes, that should be left to 'god', I know) organizations and individuals by their followers. Huckabee has Chuckie (and not the cute harmless one who hacks up teenage girls). McCain has that Democratic Republican nut from Connecticut. Giiuliani has the mob (not to mention the mob of ex-wives and mistresses). The Republican Party has the neocons, the Who-Would-Jesus-Bomb crowd, and the I-got-rich-so-I'm-gonna-make-sure-you-can't crowd.

    Now I know that no politician can control who endorse him/her, but dammit, don't encourage these freaks and then act surprised when people question your judgement!

  8. Babs said: Chuck's married? I would have never thought that someone would marry that.

    Come on, Babs. I can't imagine the woman who can resist that grizzly bear chest of hair that Bruce Lee ripped a handful out of, shortly before he put the kick-of-death on Chuck's neck. If only...

  9. Dr. B - You mean you don't think Chuck has been cheated out of an Oscar or two? I'm shocked!

    Philly - Yeah, you're one to talk about frightening imagery. At least I didn't post an actual picture.

    OG - Well, of course. Mike's hurting for money and who better than to pound it out of people than Chuckie?

    Chappy - Your Clinton Machine and Chia pet are on their way. I've also thrown in the Clinton Machine Seal-a-Meal.

    Fwig - I know. One day, he'll wake up and realize it and next thing you know it'll be Comedy Central specials.

    Ex - The one on the right is the cooch or cooz. Cooz?

    Billy - I think if I were a candidate and had some nutjob "endorse" me, I'd pay him/her not to. The sad thing is, Mike LOVES that Chuck endorses him, which just proves how deranged he really is.

    Evo - How awesome would it be if Bruce Lee could come back from the dead and fight Chuck Norris? I don't even like fighting, but that's one I'd pay to see.

  10. Another thing I hate about Chuck - he said on Howard Stern once that he could have kicked Bruce Lee's ass. I mean, come on. Whether you think you could have or not, it's poor form to say so when the man is dead.

    I think he's old and senile now and seeing himself sped up on Walker Texas Ranger has him thinking he actually is fast.

  11. Billy - Sorry, but Chuck's delusional. NFW he could have taken Bruce.

    Did you hear what Huckabee said in Michigan right before our worthless primaries??? He told a group of people in Warren (very white, very Reagan-Democrat, but probably true Republicans by now) that the Constitution needs to be rewritten so that it aligns perfectly with the Bible. I almost lost my mind.

  12. I didn't know I was among peoples who do not care for Chuck Norris. His infomercials creep out and now he is pushing politics???? My eyes! my eyes!!!!!