October 28, 2006

I Put the Wee in Halloween

Due to some kind of conspiracy against the Bablatrice, all of the church signs I've driven past this week have been either unchanged from last week or completely mundane. So, I'm afraid there will be no Church Sign O' the Week. I mean, what the heck am I supposed to do with signs that just have stuff like, "Fallfest" on them? Sure I could make fun of the church people for being too weenie to celebrate Halloween. And why don't they celebrate? Because, Halloween is the time when we unrepentant heathens worship our dark lord and master, Satan, and cavort about engaging in various manners of perversion and general shenanigans. Not to mention the virgin sacrifices and the whole summoning demons thing (which is a LOT more fun than you think it'd be).

And, I could mention that the children of these Fallfest goers will probably resent their parents when they get to be adults, because they never got to celebrate Halloween. Of course, I'm just guessing on this part. It's not like I know first-hand how much it sucks to have never been allowed to go trick-or-treating, even though it was perfectly okay for us to hand out candy to the other hell-bound children. Who knows what horrors would have occurred had we dressed up in costumes and snagged some free candy one lousy night of the year. Trick-or-treating probably would have introduced me to the powers of tobacco, which would have led to pot, and then to heroine and then I'd be mixing up a concoction of pixie sticks, Brasso, and silly putty and shooting that up my veins, struggling to fight my addiction and pass the 5th grade. All because I dressed up and got some free candy.

I could also mention that the Christians don't have any qualms about stealing other pagan holidays like Easter and Christmas, so I don't know why they just don't thieve this one, too.

But, I'll refrain from all that, and move on.

One thing about living dead center of bum fuck, is that we don’t have any trick-or-treaters come to the door. This is good and bad. Good, because I don’t have to buy the little beggars candy. And, bad, because I don’t have to buy the little beggars candy. You know, it's just no fun decorating for Halloween if there aren't kids to scare. I mean, what's Halloween without getting to see at least one kid pee their pants?

I guess this year the main-squeeze and I will have a quiet, non-scary night at home. Of course, we could always dress up like
this and go down to one of the local churches' Fallfests and harrass the Christians. Bwahahahaha!

I'm kidding. I would never do that.

Seriously. I wouldn't.

Mostly because if I get within 10 feet of a church it bursts into flames.

Anyway, I hope everyone has a good time celebrating October 31st. Whether it be at some lame church Fallfest, or a totally rockin' Halloween party where everyone is costumed and drinking some wickedly alcoholic brew out of a cauldron while singing Monster Mash off-key. Oh yeah, and selling their souls to Satan.

I know which one I'd rather attend.

Take Care,
The Bablatrice - who doesn't really worship Satan. He's just so last year.

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