October 4, 2006

I am Rubber. You are Glue.

My husband and I had a conversation today on the derogatory terms we used as children to insult other children. While I was coming up with things like poo-poo head, and fatty, fatty two by four, my husband said that his derogatory term of choice as a child was, mother fucker. Unless he was trying to be nice, then it was othermay uckerfay. Because, everyone knows that if you want to nice up an insult, you should say it in Pig Latin.

That lead me to thinking about terminology that kids used that really, really were just completely annoying, and here's my list:

  • I have to go #1 or #2. What? Who was the mother that was so prudish that she felt numbering bodily functions was so much more proper than having a child who used such profanity as "pee" and "poop"? Oh yeah, it was Mrs. Clark, because her daughter was the one who always informed the teacher that she had to go to the bathroom and it was to do #2.

  • "She just kicked me in my privates". Do boys really think they have tiny army men in their pants? For the record, this particular boy deserved getting kicked in the nuts. But, I still say that he didn't have to be such a big baby and run to the teacher about it.
  • "You're going to make Jesus cry". This one wasn't said by another child, but was used on me by my mother. Because, nothing will further the development of a child's self-image like handing them the guilt of making the savior of the world burst into tears.

  • "It's none of your beeswax". No matter how many word puzzles I make from it, I still can't figure out how "business" got transformed into "beeswax"??? If I find the kid who came up with this one, I will kick him in his privates so hard, he goes #2 in his pants.

Along with this trip back to childhood came the inevitable flashbacks from Sunday School, and even though he pleaded with me to stop, I made my husband watch while I sang Sunday School songs. How sad is it that I can still sing all the god-songs I learned as a child? Brainwashing, anyone? Now, I have "I'll Be a Sunbeam for Jesus" stuck in my head. AAGGGGHHHHH!!!

For some reason (we'll say it's because I'm a lunatic) I felt the need to google, "Sunday school songs", and however deranged and kooky the songs were when I was a child, nothing can compare to this song I found here. It's titled, "Man Named Noah", and it's to the tune of...are you ready for this?...

I really don't think you're ready for this...

It's to the tune of THE BEVERLY HILLIBILLIES theme. Yeah, buddy, we've made a very smooth transition from Uncle Jed to Uncle Noah. Now, for your reading pleasure, behold the lyrics to this musical gem:

Come listen to a story about a man named Noah.
Lived at a time no one ever tried a cola.
In fact, everybody acted rotten all the time,
even though they were blessed with sunshine all the time.

Then one day, a voice, a deep voice:

Listen to me, Noah, this is what you are to do,
build a big boat and load it two by two.
Believe it or not, the sky is going to pour.
When it does, don't forget I'll tightly shut the door.
And, the rain came for forty days and nights. Drip. Drip.

WOW! How craptacular is that? The cola line is pure genius, I say, and the "drip, drip" ending is, indeed, the icing on the cake. This needs to be recorded, because I think I smell a Grammy.

I have this image in my mind of cherubic children sitting in Sunday School classrooms ,with the just-right amount of Jesus light streaming through the window, bathing their perfectly groomed hair in heavenly halos. The teacher stands with the above lyrics printed on crisp, white posterboard and holds it in front of these little angels and informs them that it is to be sung to the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies.

And, the little darlings are all like..."who the uckfay are The Beverly Hillbillies"?

The Bablatrice - who absolutely refuses to be a sunbeam for anyone. I'm just not that kind of girl.

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