Ray Favereau has had a Ritz cracker since 2007 and it's still the same as when he took it out of the package! There's a simply logical reason for this perpetually fresh cracker. It's because it is most holy and divine.
See for yourself.
Whatta you mean you don't see anything? Look closer.
Still nothing? Try this enhanced version.
Still don't see anything? You know why? Because you don't have any faith, you shamless reprobate. Close your eyes and pray really hard and then look at this next shot and see if you can make out anything.
Now you see it? The left side of the cracker is Jesus and the right side is his very famous mother! It's amazing how clear they are once you pray and then draw them on there, isn't it? This could also be King Arthur and Clara Barton, but that wouldn't be nearly as sacred, would it?
I'll bet if Ray ate the cracker, he'd live forever.
I think the lesson to be learned from this, kids, is to never, ever eat another Ritz cracker again. Anything that stays fresh for three years can't be very healthy - even if it does have Jesus on it.