June 3, 2007

Pirate Spiders Kidnap Jesus

My Butt Be Tasty

Don't tell anyone, but Friday I left the office at 4:30 in the afternoon. And the world didn't come to an end. I left partly from sheer exhaustion - I had gotten to the point where I just really didn't give a fuck anymore - and partly because I was nursing a spider bite on my ass. Yep. I had to go to the doctor and flash my behind to what seemed like the entire staff all because some stupid spider thought that would be a good place to bite me. In fact, it's the second time in the past 6 months or so that I've had to go to the doctor for a spider bite - ON MY ASS. I don't know what kind of spider keeps doing this to me, but I think it must be the relatives of one I've killed. They've formed a spider mafia and now they're trying to ice me. The good news is I'm now on antibiotics and steroids. The bad news is the steroids won't let me sleep. So I'm trying to function on 4 hours sleep, and I'm just too damn old for that.

Arrgh, I'd Like to See His Mainmast

Speaking of pirates - which we really weren't, but I was in my head- I definitely recommend seeing Pirates of the Caribbean III. If nothing else for the scenes where there are multiple Johnny Depps. It was like my own little private fantasy had come to life right there on the screen. Except the multiple Johnnys had clothes on, and I wasn't smack dab in the middle of a Johnny manwich. And the jugglers and dancing squirrels wearing spandex pants and torn-off-the-shoulder-Flashdance-flashback sweatshirts were missing, but other than that - it was exactly like my fantasy.

Jesus is MIA

All has been quiet on the Jesus sighting front lately. Maybe the Big J doesn't like the warmer weather? Do you think he's been kidnapped and that's what stopping him from showing up on various random objects? I wonder what the ransom note for Jesus would be like. I mean, the kidnappers could threaten to kill him if you didn't drop off one million dollars in small unmarked bills in a brown paper bag, but c'mon kidnappers. He's JESUS for chrissake. He could just bring himself back to life. No. The more I think about it, the more kidnapping Jesus just doesn't make sense.

Not that I've spent a great deal of time thinking about kidnapping Jesus.

See what happens when I don't get enough sleep. It's not pretty, is it?

Take Care,


  1. Flummy:

    Here's a passage I found in Spiders for Dummies:

    The Ass-Biting Spider (Chompus cheekiyumma) is a native of the Netherlands. This small nondescript spider with a red double-crescent mark on its back makes its burrow in chairs, sofas, hassocks, and exercise bike seats. It usually lies in wait for a keister to approach, although, on occasion, it has been known to go out actively looking for a piece of ass. The female A-B spider almost always chews her mate’s rear off after procreation. While this doesn’t really harm the male, it does make it hard for him to get comfortable in a recliner for several weeks. Although these arachnids are not particularly poisonous, humans are warned that it’s probably a good idea to avoid sitting on them.

  2. You could kidnap and hide Jesus in an adult bookstore. His dad surely won't look in those. ya think?

  3. But his followers might find him in that there adult bookstore and they're the ones really searching for him.

    Sorry about the tuchas. That has to suck so badly, besides being a real pain in the ass.

  4. Anonymous6:31 PM

    I am taking my older girls to see Johnny, I mean the Movie, on Thursday. Ya... Johnny Manwich sounds like a pretty good dream.

  5. I think you're very amusing on little sleep. I've never felt inclined to see one of those pirate movies - which is kind of strange, come to think of it. I fully respect Johnny Depp's acting and there's presumeably fantasy-adventure elements. Hmmm.

    Anyways - please assure me these movies are worthwhile even for those of us not interested in getting it on with JD before I go out of my to rent them, will ya?

    Shivver me udljaocs.

  6. FWG - I loved the first one. Second one wore one me...haven't seen the 3rd.

  7. Oh, and Voltaire also has a line about wanting Johnny Depp in a thong...

  8. I saw on Post Secret that a woman calls her vibrator Johnny Depp...points to ponder.

  9. Mmmmm....hot, juicy heathen ass.

    Never dzsfv in bed...it could catch fire!

  10. Sarge8:15 PM

    I'm a civil war renactor so I see my share of bug bites and stings from irate insects. One of the other units had a young man who had been relieving himself and he got a bite on his wedding tackle. We found out about it when he ran sobbing through our camp. He had reported this to his 'friends' and they remembered a former member who had received such a bite, and shook their heads sadly. What happened to him? Well, he was told, the man's scrote fell off. No longer had to shave. As a rather immature fifteen year old, he wouldn't either, and he wouldn't miss women since he hadn't ever had one...
    Luckily, our group boasts two nurses, and two paramedics, and they took care of the kid. Gave him their solemn word his scrote wouldn't drop off. Well, whatever bvit him made him wish it would next day.

    Same trip. We were in the living history section (AKA "The Petting Zoo")and a man and woman came over to where I was sitting in our camp, and they were in obnious distress. The woman had four ticks on the backs of her legs and asked for help in removing them. Very pretty girl. Great conformation. I asked why her husband didn't do it. He was afraid of the ticks. (All this while I was examining the stricken areas. If I wasn't an atheist I'd have said 'great job!')
    I could see that he may have been afraid of the ticks but he wasn't a BIT worried about me. So I sighed and passed her on to one of our nurses. I told her husband that in all honesty I didn't blame the ticks one bit. He was a nice guy, laughed out loud. Gave a knowing, proprietary smile. Smug, lucky bastard.

  11. Ex - Hahahaha...that's brilliant!

    MothandRust - Exactly what Kathleen said.

    Kathleen - Thanks - and it is a real pain in the ass.

    Crazy - Lemme know what you thought of the movie.

    Fwig - What Kathleen said. The first one is great. The second one sucked ass, but the third one ranks up there with the first one. If you rent them and don't like them, I'll refund your money. But, if you rent them and like them, then you have to declare me Queen of something for a day.

    Carla - Hmmmm....I'm not admitting anything.

    Sharna - Teehee. I guess heathen ass must be tastier than non-heathen ass.

    Sarge - Okay. A bite on the nutsac has to beat out a bite on the ass.

  12. Anonymous12:13 AM

    The third was great fun, we enjoyed it immensely. I still think the first is tips though.

  13. Anonymous12:14 AM

    sigh. I meant I still think the first is TOPS. Kitty cat typing hehehe