May 8, 2007


Well kids, it's time once again for Desperately Seeking. You know the little game where I share with you the Google searches that people have performed that somehow led them to my blog. Fwig the Magnificent has been doing this lately and I must say I damn near pee my pants every time I read it. I suggest you do the same. By the way, Fwig, you HAVE to come up with some act so you can use the title Fwig The Magnificent. And I'm talking something outside the bedroom. Maybe you could twirl plates and tap dance while balancing a marmot on your head. Oh, and something should be on fire. Probably not the marmot, though.

Anyhooha, here we go. Well, first I have to say that I haven't checked these in awhile and I was surprised to find that the list included a whole hell of a lot of references to penises and their various euphemisms. I must talk about dick a lot, huh?
  • scrotum padlock - You know, should you have stumbled upon Flumadiddle just a few days ago you would have caught the scrotum padlocks on sale. But, they were such a good deal, I'm afraid we've sold out. If you're scared that someone may steal your scrotum, you might try duct taping it to your leg.
  • dicky di - Well, you forgot the rest of the group's name. Dicky Di and the Dingleberries.
  • strange evil unknown - Hey! That perfectly describes my blog.
  • sightings of Jesus hitchhiking - Suhweet! I have a new Google search to perform. Thanks person who looked for this.
  • fatty fatty bum bum bring me a teacake - Oh. What a sweet little dickhole. How 'bout you get your own teacake and shove it straight up your arse?
  • bondage AND garage AND hoist AND video - Aw shucks, oh thou kinky one. I have the bondage, the hoist and definitely the video, but I'm afraid I have no garage. I am so sorry. Would a tool shed work instead?
  • crotch malfunctions - Did you have anything particular in mind or just a general crotch malfunction? I think you're just going to have to go to a crotch doctor. Just try to find one that doesn't have "feely" or "wiggles" anywhere in their name. Like Dr. McFeely Wiggles. NOT a good crotch doctor.
  • imaginary girlfriend jelly spanky - Wowie! You're even kinkier than garage-hoist dude, aren't ya? Jelly spanky? Is that your imaginary girlfriend's pet name?
  • what happens at a shindig - All manner of debauchery and shenanigans. And we usually sacrifice a virgin or two.
  • how to wrap a biblical times loincloth - And the kinkiness just continues. I imagine you just start wrapping till the boys aren't dangling beneath the hem. Or you could duct tape them to your leg.
  • scrotum chapped - Well, that's what you get for taping it to your leg.
  • you're gay for Santa what does that even mean - Well, I think it means that 1. You're a dude. 2. You want a little man-action with the jolly, bearded guy. 3. If you really are poppin' a boner for Santa, then you probably need to go to therapy. I mean, Santa is so not sexy. Except for the boots. I kinda dig those boots.

Take Care,


  1. You sure get some kinky searches. I get a few "sexy Singaporean", "curvy lips", "sexy massage", "graphic image" searches, but nothing too wild. I guess I'm dull, but then again, that might not be such a bad thing.

  2. Those are great! Some of my most recent googly tickets to dissertation hell include, "Talledega tits," "temperature in Hell's vagina," "librarian in hell," "famous people in hell," "stupid dissertation," and "Howard Stern fart." Go figure. I'm getting enough weird ones these days that I might have to start playing, too.

    Gotta go --- I ate too much alien Mexican food yesterday & now I have the zjcened!

  3. I really need to figure out this whole google search thing, so I can see if people are finding me with anything even remotely crazy-ass.

  4. Wow! I have to start using the word scrotum in my blog more often. I'm not getting my full share of weirdoes. Mostly I just get would-be motorists looking for places to take drivers tests or how to cheat on them. And strangely -- a lot of people looking for Sylvie Ruel.

    Life seems to be getting buggy all around. I too have had scarce internet time of late. Many good blogs I need to catch up on.

    Must be the change in weather.

    Hot as a vxvmbant's hoo haw around here.

  5. I thought you might enjoy this little tidbit from Mark Morford re: Jerry Falwell's passing from this life...

  6. flummy where ARE you? Miss your postings. Royce

  7. Anonymous12:11 PM

    I read the little tidbit about Jerry Falwell's passing. All I got out of it is that Christians go to Heaven that right?

  8. Diana - Sweet thing, you are never dull.

    Sharna - I love the phrase "hell's vagina". I wonder how many ways I can fit it into conversation?

    Fwig - I think a scrotum poem is in order. That should bring plenty of weirdness.

    Kat - I love that he ended with the quote "Tinky Winky is gay". I also have to say that I wasn't exactly sad when I heard the news about Jerry Falwell.

    Royce - Aw, thanks. That warms the cockles of my heart.

    Anon - Well, thanks for making me think about Jerry Falwell naked. Yes Christians go to heaven naked but they're cloaked in such piety no one can see them.