Flumadiddle

March Comes In Like a Lion, Blows Out Like a Lamb

2011-03-31T13:23:00.001-05:00

Hi kids! It's me again. Here for what is turning out to be my monthly blog post. It seems like my monthly posts are going to be about blowjobs. There are worse subjects, I suppose. I'm a horrible person for not blogging more and probably should be punished.

You know who else should be punished? Pastor John Naylor. A fine upstanding man of god. But, he'd probably like his punishment...especially if he could pay you for it.

Pastor John Naylor was arrested for paying for an 8-minute, 20 dollar blowjob. It seems John went out cruising for a little sucky after visiting someone in the hospital. That's just like Jesus used to do. Heal the sick, get a blow job. Make the blind man see, demand a hummer as payment. And if Jesus H. Christ raised someone from the dead, the newly minted zombie had to give Jesus a blowjob and hand wash all of his delicates.

But back to 8-minute John. Hey...he's a john named John! Anyway...

John didn't realize that the police were watching him as he picked up the prostitute and drove to a house. Eight minutes later he and the prostitute exited the house. John had a huge smile on his face, and the prostitute was shoving massive amounts of Wrigley's Spearmint gum into her mouth. Rumor also has it that he paid the prostitute an extra 20 bucks to stay in the house 6 minutes longer than necessary just so he didn't look like a freak. The funniest part is that the police had no proof that he'd paid her for a blow job. John admitted that not only had he received a blow job that night, but that he'd paid hookers several times before.

Ah...confession is so goddamn good for the soul.

Big hugs,
Babs

I would have charged WAY more than 20 beans.

Jerkin' Off for Jesus!

2011-02-01T15:21:00.000-06:00

Do you know what's happening this coming Sunday? I'm so excited! It's PORN SUNDAY!

I'm sure you're wondering what Porn Sunday is, aren't you? Well, it's the brain child of Craig Gross who is the dude in charge over at the XXX Church in Dallas. From what I can tell, Craig loves porn almost as much as he loves Jesus, so he had to start a church about porn addictions.

I think the following explains how Craig came to start a porn church, and it's really a good how-to guide if you're wanting to start a porn chuch of your own.

So, on Porn Sunday, there will be over 300 churches across the US that are going to play a simulcast video of some NFL players and Craig talking about porn. You know what I think? I think that Craig's fantasy might be to be the middle meat in a big 'ol football team manwich.

There are even going to be pre-game parties for Porn Sunday. I'd go to one, but I'm not sure what kind of dip is appropriate to take to a Porn Sunday pre-game party.

If you can't make it to a pre-game party or church on Porn Sunday, then I think the least you can do is rub one out for Jesus.

Happy Wanking!

Babs

I've Got a Handle on the Situation

2011-01-13T08:57:00.001-06:00

Yesterday in a fit of domesticity, I was sweeping the hallway and backed into the closet door. During the simultaneous backing and sweeping, I somehow managed to get the door handle stuck through the center, back belt loop of my jeans. The handle looks as such:

Not the actual handle, but close to what it looks like. It would take effort to take a picture of the actual lever, and I don't think any of you are surprised that absolutely no effort is put into this blog.

I tried scooching my butt to the side so I could free myself, but my belt loop kept hanging up on the curled part of the handle. Plus, I couldn't see what was going on and I was having to work behind my back which made things even more difficult.

After a couple of minutes of trying to extricate myself, I started to panic. It was 3 hours before Eric would be home. There was no way I could take off my jeans. My phone wasn't in reach for me to call someone to come set my ass free (literally), and I seriously doubted that our two cats would be able to extricate me or go for help. In fact, they're so fat and lazy, they'd probably pass out from sheer exhaustion before they got halfway down the driveway (plus, they're horrible with directions).

I was beginning to worry about how I could possibly entertain myself for three hours while being attached to a door, but more importantly, what if I had to pee??? And then I thought that some chick being freed from the closet door by the UPS man who heard her screams for help, would make for a really, really bad porno scenario. So, if you're in the market to make a really, really bad porno, feel free to totally steal this idea.

Anyway, back to my predicament.

I suppose that all that panic created a little bit of an adrenalin rush, because I somehow managed to rip the door off the hinges. WITH MY ASS.

Okay, that was a big, fat lie. The reality is that with a few more panic-induced tries and a string of words that would make a longshoreman blush, I was finally able to loosen myself from the door handle.

I don't really think there's a moral to this story except to maybe watch where you're sticking your ass.

You probably want to watch what you're sticking up your ass, too.

Big Ol' Butt Slaps,
Babs

Scandal #1 for 2011

2011-01-09T14:35:00.000-06:00

Yes, it's been awhile. I've been a busy girl. Last month I moved in with Eric the Bastard. I think the popular kids are calling living together "domestic partnership" now. I prefer either "living in sin" or "shacking up". "Shacking up" sounds especially white trashy doesn't it? After getting everything moved, I was forced to celebrate Christmas and New Year's. Throw in a hurt shoulder from moving a 986 pound desk down a flight of stairs, and then a week and a half of puking and I haven't really felt like blogging.

To kick things off for 2011, I'm bringing you a story of depravity, debauchery and maybe a little dickerydoo. The director of the Missouri Baptist Convention, Dr. David Tolliver, has resigned from his position due to "immoral behavior with a woman". Unfortunately, I haven't been able to find any information on what the "immoral behavior" was. What the hell kind of reporting is that, news people? I want to know exactly what Dave did with this woman. I want details. I want graphs and charts. I want photos. Did they do it? Did he just feel her up a little after Sunday School? Did he just waggle his dick at her? Was she even really a woman? Maybe he just popped a boner while feasting on the Chicken Surprise Casserole she brought to the after church fellowship.

Whatever it was, I'm sure it was all Satan's fault. And, after seeing a pic of Dave, I've changed my mind about needing photos.

Big Hugs,
Babs

Thou Shalt Not Use Facebook

2010-11-22T08:08:00.013-06:00

After reading an article about Pastor Cedric Miller's view on Facebook, I'm demanding that Facebook change it's name to "Fornicationbook". Yes, it's a tad wordier, but hella more appropriate. You see, kids, Cedric believes that seemingly innocent re-connecting with old friends and flames on Facebook leads to adultery and and all manner of debauchery. I have to agree with him. Facebook is a den of iniquity that is teeming with the allure of high school exes and hookups that never happened. And it makes my naughty parts tingle every single fucking time I sign on.

I guess I just have a lot of fortitude, because god in heaven knows how tempting it is to want to hook up with the ex-boyfriend who gave me slobbery kisses in the backseat of a '73 Plymouth Duster while clumsily trying to cop a feel of my boobs. And the fact that we haven't seen each other in over 20 years and probably don't have a goddamn thing in common makes an affair even MORE alluring. Sweet merciful lord save me!

But enough about me.

Let's get back to Pastor Cedric. Not only did Cedric claim that Facebook was a "portal to infidelity", he even demanded that his church leaders delete their Facebook accounts or resign from their positions.

Speaking of positions, I wonder which one Cedric was in when he and his wife had a three-way affair with a church member a few years ago.

A male church member.

Yes Sirree Bob! After delivering his Facebook sermon, it was revealed that ol' Ced was getting his kink on in a little holy trinity of his own.

Well, A-fucking-men and pass the anal lube!

You can read about Cedric here and here.

Big wet sloppy kisses and boob grabs,

Babs

Hug Me

2010-11-19T09:55:00.001-06:00

Have you recently had a pet that crossed Rainbow Bridge and is now in that big pet park in the sky? Do you wish you could still wrap your arms around your pet and give him or her a great big hug? Well, wish no more. In just five easy steps, you can have your arms wrapped around Fifi Fluffydoodle lickityfuckinsplit!

1. Have your pet cremated. This may require some digging and a really big bonfire if you already went with a conventional burial.

2. Go over to softhearted.com and order one of their pet pillows with the special ash pouch.

3. Tuck the plastic bag of pet ashes into the pouch.

4. Put the special ash pouch inside your pillow.

5. Hug the life out of your pet! Well, I guess that's not possible, but you can hug really, super duper hard.

One of the many, many totally groovy things about the pet pillow is that it will accommodate a wide variety of pets: rats, birds, ferrets, rabbits, reptiles, dogs, cats, weasels, skunks, armadillos, lemurs - anything up to 150 pounds. That's 150 lbs before cremation, so your pet Sasquatch's ashes won't fit. Your pet pillow also comes in three neutral colors that are sure to match your decor, as long as you decor is creepy enough to include a pillow with your pet's ashes stuffed inside it.

But the best part about the pet pillow? You can get one for as low as $110. That's right! Only 110 measely stinkin' American dollars. I know at first that may seem like a lot of money for a throw pillow, but it has a special ash pouch! A pouch that holds pet ashes! Of course, you could just buy the pouch for 10 bucks and shove it in a throw pillow you already have, but I don't think it would be as magical or huggable.

What are you waiting for? Go order your pet pillow now!

Great big non-ashy hugs,
Babs

Disclaimer: Neither Flumaiddle, Inc., its affiliates, associates or asshats have an affiliation with Soft-Hearted Products, nor does Flumadiddle, Inc., its affiliates, associates or asshats even have a soft heart.

HOLY FUCK!

2010-11-02T18:00:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted anything here since October 13th. What the hell is wrong with me? I mean besides all that. I hereby solemnly vow that I will try my damnedest to be a little more frequent with my blogging.

For today's post I thought we were due another installment of Desperately Seeking. We haven't had one in a long time, so I'll explain. The stat counter I use for my blog keeps track of all the searches people have conducted that have landed them here at Flumadiddle. Then I share the better ones with you, and by "better", I mean "more demented". So...here we go! The queries are in bold, my answers are not so bold.

•Who made fruitie balls? – The same company that makes Savorie Sacs.
•Penis inside vagina, she said huck me - oh huck me! Huck me harder!
•Bipolar express is that a joke? Yes. As well as bipolar cap and bipolar bear.
•How to wear pink pumps – Grasp a pump firmly in one hand. Slide it onto a foot. Preferably yours. Repeat on other foot. Tada!
• Virginity sho – Is this a fill in the blank? I’ll play along. Virginity sho’ was a long time ago.
• Flaming seal – C’mon. Clubbing them is bad enough, but setting them on fire is just too much. Unless you mean, flaming, as in gay flaming. Well, in that case, flame on you fabulous seal!
•Liver cleanse nibiruan council oil coke- I don't even have an answer for this one. Seriously. What the fuck were you on when you Googled this shit?
•Flumadiddle recipe – It’s 3 parts flum to 7 parts diddle. Whisk until frothy. Enjoy!
•Nun fuck blogspot - This one actually makes a lot of sense.

I sincerely hope everyone is doing well and that your life is going exactly the way you want it to.

So much love it will choke you,
Babs

Nun, Nun, Nun, Nun. Nuuuuun!

2010-10-13T20:04:00.002-05:00

Oh, fuck me! I haven't blogged in forever, have I? I've actually been horrible at keeping anything updated. My life outside of my nunship keeps getting in the way.

I'm actually not quite sure that nunship is the proper term. Nunning? Nunifying?

Anyway, here's a little nunnification for you

::: Nun Duck ::: Nun Napkins ::: Nun Chuck ::: Racing Nuns ::: Nunzilla ::: Nun Bop Bag

Big Smooches,
Babs

The Straight Agenda

2010-09-27T12:10:00.000-05:00

I've decided that since the radical homosexuals have their own agenda, I should come up with a counter-agenda. I haven't gotten very far with what my counter-agenda will be. Mostly because I'm not very organized and I tend to be pretty fucking lackadaisical about agendas.

But here's what I'm working on:

1. An anti-gay agenda spray. It will be formulated to kill 98.9% of the bacteria that make up the gay agenda.

2. An actual photo of a radical homosexual. I'd prefer a live capture, but I have a feeling that a radical homosexual is pretty hard to corner, much less get a pillowcase over their head.

3. Coming up with a different name for radical homosexuals, because "radical homosexuals" takes too many syllables to say.

If you can come up with an alternate name for "radical homosexuals", let me know in the comments.

Loads of very straight love,
Babs

The Radical Homosexuals Meet the Big O

2010-09-17T12:41:00.002-05:00

President Obama has a secret plan. A devious, secret plan. An appalling, devious, secret plan. What is his plan? He wants to imbed homosexuals in every government agency possible. How do I know of this secret plan? Because my buddy Eugene Delgaudio (if that's his real name) over at Public Advocate sent me an email telling me that President Obama is planning to "saturate the federal government with radical homosexuals". I know that Eugene is telling me the truth, too. For starters, even though Eugene has liberally peppered his email with requests for donations, I know he would never lie to me just to get money. In fact, I wrote Eugene back and made him pinky swear that he was telling me the truth. I know a virtual pinky swear isn't the same as the real thing, but it still counts, goddammit!

Plus, I have my own sources and they've informed me that President Obama even has a slogan for his evil plan, "A homosexual in every pot."

Eugene also let me know that the radical homosexuals' number one mission is to spread their agenda. I had a cousin who spread her agenda once and she ended up needing a round of antibiotics. You have to be careful with your agenda spreading, kids.

Mr. Delgaudio doesn't ever say what would happen should the government be overrun by the gays and lesbians, but I'm thinking it would involve show tunes and softball games. And seqins. Lots of sequins.

The scariest part of Eugene's email is that Barney Frank is trying to get the Gay Bill of Special Rights passed. I have no idea what unholy thing the Gay Bill of Special Rights is, but I have my sources working on it. So far I've learned that #3 on the Gay Bill of Special Rights is, "Dykes will receive a 25% discount on anything that's made of flannel." I'll post it in its entirety when I obtain this information.

Smacks on the ass,

Babs

T-Shirts and Magnets and Stickers, Oh My!

2010-09-15T10:59:00.001-05:00

I have blasphemous t-shirts, magnets, bumper stickers and more for sale in my Zazzle shop.

http://www.zazzle.com/flumadiddle

Why are you still looking at this page?

Great big wet smooches,
Babs

Excuse Me, But Your Holy Book's Aflame

2010-09-08T23:12:00.002-05:00

So Dove Outreach Center is going to burn some Qurans on Saturday and now everyone is getting all bent out of shape and scared that there will be anti-American protests. Well, I'm bent out of shape, too, but only because I think the Reverend Terry Jones, head preacher man at Dove, is a total pussy for merely burning Qurans. Grow a pair, Rev! If you really want to offend the Muslims, burn an actual Muslim. Better yet, stuff one of them in a pig that's dressed up like Muhammad and then burn the whole thing.

See? Now that's the way to piss off the Muslims.

Which I don't want to do, because they might kill me.

In other news about religions that I really knowing nothing about, Rosh Hashanah began at tonight at sundown. I have no idea what Rosh Hashanah is except it's Jewish and sounds like it could be a Jewish sasquatch.

Make sure you eat all your gifelte fish, kids, or the Rosh Hashanah will come and eat you.

I'm kidding. I know what Rosh Hashanah is.

It's when the Jews celebrate how they killed Jesus.

Now That's a Spicy Matzo Ball!
Babs

Banana Trumps Science

2010-09-03T10:56:00.000-05:00

You guys remember Ray Comfort? The guy that hangs out with Kirk Cameron and says that a banana proves the existence of god. The Ray I blogged about here. Yeah. Banana Ray. So, Ray has his banana in a bunch because of Stephen Hawking's new book in which Hawking states that the creation of our universe didn't require any god. You know what Ray said about Stephen Hawking? He said that he was unscientific.

Let me say rephrase that.

Ray Comfort, the dude who attempts to prove there's a god by using a banana, said that Stephen Hawking, the fucking brilliant theoretical physicist, is unscientific.

He then went on to show even more of his total and complete grasp of science by stating, "Nor should an atheist speak of gravity as being a 'law,' because that also denotes the axiom of a Law-giver. Laws don't happen by themselves."

Ray, I could explain to you how you're an imbecile, but I don't think you'd be able to understand because, well, you're an imbecile. So, I've made a graph for you. With pictures.

Well, I guess I was wrong. You aren't smart enough to be an imbecile, Ray. In fact, it looks like you're dumber than George W. Bush. You should just go find a cave to live in now.

Don't forget your helmet!

Big Hugs,
Babs

Homocon Sounds Like a Gay Repellant

2010-09-01T16:48:00.001-05:00

I'm sure you've all heard by now that the gay Republican group, GOProud is hosting Homocon this month and that Ann Coulter is the keynote speaker. Ann "a huge cunt if I ever saw one" Coulter was also scheduled to be the keynote speaker for World Net Daily's very un-gay shindig the "Taking America Back National Conference", but WND dropped her gay-promoting ass when they learned about her HomoCon gig.

Joseph Farah, founder of WND, is like way, way pissed at Ann and said that all future moustache rides for her have been cut off, which is a shame because Joey has quite the pornstache.

Now Joey is throwing a fit and posted a rant on the WND website stating that Homocon was aptly named because it "literally represents the homo conning of the Republican Party". You tell 'em, Joey. It's just like ComicCon literally representing the comic conning of the Nerd Party. God help us all if those liberty-hating nerds get the right to marry fellow nerds. Think of all the little nerdlets we'll have running around! I think we are all well aware that nerds, geeks and people who are just generally dorky are some of the most un-patriotic citizens we have...if they really ARE citizens.

Joey also states that GOProud supports special government perks for homosexuals. I really have no clue what he's talking about, but depending on the what the perks are, I could be persuaded to bat for the other team. So if any one you know about these, please drop me a line, okay?

I dunno what to tell you, Mr. Fabulously Fanatical Farah. Your conservative peers have obviously pussed out and caved into the gay agenda. Just so you know, I'm pretty sure the next item on their agenda is to actually start shopping at the same grocery stores as us. Imagine the carnage that will ensue once they start spreading the gay all over the zucchini and casaba melons!

You can read Joey's rant here.

Here is the link to Homocon.

Great big smooches!

Babs

OH! OH! OH GOD! YES! YES! YES!

2010-08-28T11:01:00.001-05:00

Carlos Bebeacua is Spanish, but lives in Sweden. He's Speden. He is the self-appointed cardinal of his own church, Madonna of the Orgasm. I'm not making that up. That's really his church's name and they worship orgasms. Carlos was trying to get his church recognized as an official faith, but Swedish judges said no to the O.

Poor Carlos.

Why does he have a church that worships the orgasm? Because according to Carlos orgasm = god and should be worshiped. Why not? At least it's something tangible and orgasms have done way, way, way more for me than any god ever has. Carlos believes that orgasms shouldn't be limited to ejaculation. He thinks that, "You can reach it through art or by looking at a landscape and thinking 'Wow!'"

This only makes me think of one thing. Double rainbow dude.

Just so you know that Carlos isn't a figment of my imagination, you can read the story here.

Great big Os,
Babs

Mad Dog vs. Obama

2010-08-24T09:20:00.000-05:00

For the most part I'm okay with where I live. It may not be my number one choice, hell, it's not even in my top 10 choices, but I know I'm here for a few more years and I'm okay with that. Most of the time. I live in a college town so we tend to be a little more open minded than most other places in this state. At least I thought we were. Our local alternative paper, of which I am quite fond, tried running Savage Love last week and you'd have thought they posted a manual on how to rape and sacrifice small children, which is totally ridiculous. They don't publish the rape/sacrifice special until October. People were quite uptight about the column and made it clear that "porn" had no place in the paper.

But that's not really what this post is about. That was just a warm-up to show just how amazing Arkansas can be. And by "amazing" I mean "goddamn backwards".

Captain Woody and I were cruising down one of the fine highways in our fine state this weekend and we came upon this:

And next to this very patriotic display was this...

I have no idea who these awesome vehicles belong to, so I'm just going to call him Fucktard Jimmy. Wait. He's obviously from the south, so I should call him Fucktard Jimmy Lee "Mad Dog" Prideaux. I'm sure that Jimmy pronounces his last name pry-ducks, lest anyone mistake him for one of those prissy French fuckers.

Anyway, Mad Dog, I just wanted to let you know how thrilled I am that you are exercising your freedom of speech and reminding all of the visitors to Arkansas who pass by your most genteel display just why we're still the butt of so many jokes.

Thanks a lot limp dick!

Love,

Babs

Babs Goes to the Adult Store

2010-08-17T11:18:00.000-05:00

I know you've all been waiting breathlessly for the shots of Babs in action and guess what? Here's the first installment. Are you ready?

The other night, I went to the adult store, because I needed to, well, I needed to make a purchase, and it's none of your business what I bought. Nuns have needs, goddammit! I was hoping to take photos inside the store, but I was quickly told that they weren't allowed inside - not even for the bride of Christ. So, my adventure didn't turn out exactly as I'd hoped, but here are the shots I did get.

Before I went in, I thought it would be a good idea to pray that god wouldn't let all of the sinful things I was about to see turn me into a godless heathen, or, even worse, a Democrat.

I then went into the store and SWEET BABY JESUS ON A PICNIC TABLE! The things I saw! I'm sure that some of them have permanently scarred me for life. I think I managed to escape the den of iniquity without being infested by the demons that I'm sure were lurking around the butt plug aisle, though.

I was surprised by the number of dirty looks I got from people. I'm not sure if I offended them, or if having a nun watch them pick out a penis extension made them feel a little guilty.

So, I made my purchase and left.

What have I done?

What's in the bag?

I'm probably going to hell!

No one is going to take my bag!

While I'm not going to tell you what I did purchase, I will let you in on one thing I didn't buy. The Great American Challenge. What's that, Babs? Well, I'm glad you asked. It's a vibrator. I'm sorry. Let me rephrase that. It's a vibrator that is roughly the size of a toddler. I'm not kidding about this. Here's a pic.

Yes, that's really a Sprite can sitting beside it. Girls, if any of you can actually take this vibrator, 1. Your vagina needs its own zip code and 2. The thing has to echo, and 3. You should definitely consider a career smuggling entire Mexican families into the country.

Slaps on the ass,

Babs - who thinks that her rosary could totally double as anal beads.

Big, Huge, Fucking Announcement!

2010-08-12T12:17:00.002-05:00

Okay, maybe it's not that big of an announcement, but I got your attention didn't I?

Coming soon: Pics of Babs in action. Probably not 'bow chicka bow wow' action, but you never know!

Lots of love,
Babs

Gimme a D!

2010-08-11T09:47:00.006-05:00

Pastor Donald Crosby may be just a bit of a drama queen. After being arrested for illegally protesting at a Warner Robins school, Donnie stated that "I don't scare easily. Lock me up as many times as you have to lock me up. Even kill me if you have to. I'm standing up for Jesus."

I really don't think the police are going to kill you, Donnie. Of course, you do live in Georgia, so who knows what could happen.

Donnie is upset that the school's mascot is a demon so he thought a protest was in order. The only problem with the protest was that Donnie didn't acquire a permit to protest. And even after the police asked him several times to leave the school property and go get a permit, Donnie refused. So, he was arrested. Now, Donnie wants us all to think that he was arrested for "standing up for Jesus", but that's just not true.

Yo, Donnie! You were arrested for not having a permit. You weren't arrested because you voiced your opinion about how the demon mascot is evil and probably makes the kids want to do things like listen to rock music and touch each other in their naughty spots. You aren't a martyr. You're a fuckwit. And your shirt is ugly.

And, the sign one of your protestors was holding up that read, "Home games will have to be played in hell." - Well, no fucking shit, dude. Once again, YOU LIVE IN GEORGIA!

And, your shirt is still ugly.

Big demonic kisses,

Babs

Here's the story.

Church Sign O' the Week

2010-08-09T10:37:00.005-05:00

It's been a long time since I've posted a church sign, but I think this one was worth the wait. I don't even have to comment on it. The sign says it all. Thank you, Church Sign Guy. I still love you more than life itself.

Great big orgasms from Jesus,
Babs

Not Your Mother's Sears

2010-08-04T05:44:00.007-05:00

Tim Wildmon, Chief Twatwaffle of the American Family Association, is at it again. This time he has his knickers in a knot because Sears sells posters with naked women on them. How pissed is he?

Pissed enough that he took the time to place the posters on the AFA website. Of course, he blurred out the model's naughty bits so as to not cause our eyes to burst into flames the minute we laid eyes on a pair of bare boobies.

Here's what Tim had to say about the posters, "These aren't just posters of scantily-clad women. Some of them depict groups of people, lesbians and others engaged in ***ual activities. Very little is left to the imagination."

Do you think Tim always speaks in asterisks?

I'm sure that his whole deal with putting the posters on the AFA website was explained away as research. I mean, Jesus himself probably told Tim to look at the posters of nude women and then rub his mouse around and around and around their girl parts to blur them out. He probably even had to do it several times to make sure he got it right. It's a good thing you can use the blur tool in Photoshop with just one hand, huh?

From now on, research=wank time!

What I want to know is...how did Tim find these pics anyway? Hmmmm....

Here is the original story.

Big naked hugs!
Babs

To Gay or Not to Gay

2010-08-03T13:06:00.004-05:00

Tom Brock is a Lutheran pastor in Minnesota. Does anybody else always hear the word "Minnesota" said with a Minnesotan accent?

Me, too. And then I have a complete conversation going on in my head between two Minnesotans. One of them is ALWAYS named Tom, and they're always getting ready to go have some beers.

Am I starting to sound a bit nuts? I am, aren't I? Welcome to my head, kids. It's a circus of crazy in here!

Speaking of nuts, let's get back to Tom. He recently told the AP that even though he's sexually attracted to men, that since he's never actually had his peepee in another man nor has he had another man's peepee in him, then he isn't gay.

He may or may not have actually used the term 'peepee'. He also may or may not actually know the meaning of the word 'gay'.

Tom is reportedly a memeber of a support group for Christians who struggle with same sex attraction. Um, to be more accurate, I really think the support group should be classified as people with same sex attractions who struggle with being a Christian. After all, one is perfectly natural and the other is contrived, at best, and requires vast stretches of the imagaination. Not to mention worshiping a man-god who wants you to eat his flesh and drink his blood.

Tom also had this to say about the gay, "I think we're all born heterosexual actually, and then stuff goes wrong,"

I think it's obvious from the phrase "stuff goes wrong" that Tom is not only a man of god, but he's also highly scientific. I'm talkin' through the roof scientific.

He also believes that anyone who engages in homosexuality is going to go to hell. Do you know what this means? It means that all of you gays and lesbians are going to have such an easy time getting laid in hell.

I'm not sure it's fair.

And, Tom? Dude. You're like totally gay.

Much love,
Babs

You can check out the full story here.

Holy Fucking Shit!!!

2010-07-31T08:21:00.006-05:00

I have been blogging about Jesus sightings for almost 4 years. Jesus has shown up for people all across the world, but never for me. No matter how much I begged and pleaded and offered him blowjobs, Jesus has been just a total bitch about me seeing him.

Until now.

Yesterday I found Jesus. Did you hear that people? I FUCKING FOUND JESUS! I am so excited I'm damn near speechless!

It turns out Jesus has been waiting for me in a cemetery up in a tree. I can't disclose the location for fear that Jesus will be overrun with people wanting to touch his tree or carve chunks out of it to take home with them.

Unlike most of the other Jesus sightings, I don't have to even circle or outline or draw arrows to where Jesus is. You know what this means? Jesus obviously loves me more than all of those other people and he's probably ready for his beej.

Hugs and big wet kisses,
Babs

Burnin' Down the House Home

2010-07-25T13:39:00.015-05:00

Those lovely fuckers over at the American Family Association have declared war on Home Depot. They are encouraging citizens of our fine country to enter Home Depots across America armed with flame throwers and then start burning the place down. You can also rape or pillage, but it's probably a good idea to start those prior to the fire.

Okay, I may have made up the previous paragraph, but the AFA is boycotting Home Depot because the reprobates at Home Depot support diversity and the AFA is against anyone who isn't exactly like they are. The president of the AFA, Tim Wildmon, also known as the Chief of Douchebaggery, had this to say about it,“It’s no longer ‘The Home Depot,’ it’s now ‘The Homosexual Depot.’" That's actually pretty funny. I'm sure Tim didn't meant it to be, but I think it has a nice ring to it. How nice?

This nice.

Be careful when you go into a Home Depot store, because since embracing the homosexual agenda, the hardware department is not what it used to be.

You can read about it here.

Big smooches,
Babs

Raysing the Bar

2010-07-23T08:18:00.005-05:00

*UPDATE* Ray took down the paragraph he'd written about me on his webpage. But, I had already saved it, so here it is.

Due to the actions of an atheist thief who has stolen my material and posted evil postings about our Christian beliefs. She refuses to remove her sarcastic evil rantings about Christianity and God and refuses to remove the pictures of my material that she has stolen from me. I have had to post this warning. Disclaimer: I certify that everything on this site is real and that I have personally experienced what I have written below. All material on this site is copyright protected. Do not copy, link, modify, or reproduce any material on this site without my express permission. Any violation will result in legal action. If you would like a copy of any of my photos below with an express license please let me know and I will be happy to send you one.

Also, Ray has taken all of the mentions of his holy cracker being a Ritz cracker and has taken off the pictures of the Ritz box. I guess he figured out that he was doing a little bit of copyright infringement on his own.

Here is a cached version of his webpage that still has the Ritz pics on it.

*End of update*

It's official. Ray is like totally infatuated with me!You know how I know? Because he wrote a love poem to me on his Jesus cracker page. See for yourself.
It's right

I love that he wrote it in red because red is the color of Jesus' blood. It's also the color of Valentine hearts. And roses. And Jesus' blood!

Ray has very generously offered to send a copy of his Jesus cracker photos to anyone who asks, so I think you guys know what to do. Get over to Ray's page and get you some Jesus cracker pics.

Here is the post that started this lovefest between Ray and I.

I think I love Ray more than I love Jesus, and that's a lot!

Smacks on the ass,
Babs

Ray + Babs = True Love Forever

2010-07-22T21:10:00.005-05:00

Ray sent me another email tonight. A few more of these and I'll be picking out the silverware pattern.

If this material is not removed immediately, I will give your personal
information to my attorney, and we will pursue legal punitive damages for
slander, personal defamation, and copyright infringement.

Raymond Favereau

For those of you who don't know why Ray wants to sue me, it's because of this post. I think it's obvious that Ray is named Ray because he's a ray of sunshine!

Smooches,
Babs!

Angriness is Next to Godliness

2010-07-21T19:28:00.008-05:00

You guys remember Ray? The man with the holy cracker that I was generous enough to spotlight on my Cracker, Please post? Well, it seems that Ray has recently become a fan of Flumadiddle. Yay for new fans! I received the following letter from him after he read my post.

Babs,

I've read your blog about the "Cracker Please". I am Ray and I'm extremely angry about your post. First, you do not have my direct permission to post my pictures of my copyrighted material on your site. Second, how dare you defame my character by insinuating that I’m some sort of crackpot. If you do not remove this post immediately and apologize on your blog I will take legal action. My site will not allow a right click to copy the pictures. I have blocked that function. So, you have directly and deliberately violated my copyright by stealing my material. This is theft it’s against the law and I will not accept this type of behavior. Defamation of character is still against the law. Post an apology, remove my pictures from your site or I’ll be forced to sue you. And I will sue you.

Have a nice day!

Ray

Now, I know what you're thinking, but you're wrong. Deep down, Ray isn't really pissed at me. If you read between the lines, you'll see that Ray's love for my post comes only second to his love for me.

Since Ray has experienced his own cracker miracle, I wonder what he w uld make of the miracle I discovered in a box of animal crackers.

I know it's not the Virgin Mary and Jesus (at least I hope it's not), but it's still pretty miraculous. What do you think you get when you mate an elephant and a lion? Is that a lion? It's hard to tell, but that elephant sure has a really big trunk, huh?

I suppose I could sell prints of my miraculous cracker like Ray is doing over at Rays Kitchen, but I'd rather share the love for free. My particular brand of religion doesn't cost anything. Well, nothing more than your soul, but who needs one of those?

Hugs,

Babs

Sometimes a picture really is worth a thousand words.

2010-07-21T13:29:00.007-05:00

If you want to do a little teabagging of your own, check out these!

And you can purchase them here.

Hugs!
Babs

Cracker, please!

2010-07-19T16:56:00.007-05:00

Ray Favereau has had a Ritz cracker since 2007 and it's still the same as when he took it out of the package! There's a simply logical reason for this perpetually fresh cracker. It's because it is most holy and divine.

See for yourself.

Whatta you mean you don't see anything? Look closer.

Still nothing? Try this enhanced version.

Still don't see anything? You know why? Because you don't have any faith, you shamless reprobate. Close your eyes and pray really hard and then look at this next shot and see if you can make out anything.

Now you see it? The left side of the cracker is Jesus and the right side is his very famous mother! It's amazing how clear they are once you pray and then draw them on there, isn't it? This could also be King Arthur and Clara Barton, but that wouldn't be nearly as sacred, would it?

I'll bet if Ray ate the cracker, he'd live forever.

I think the lesson to be learned from this, kids, is to never, ever eat another Ritz cracker again. Anything that stays fresh for three years can't be very healthy - even if it does have Jesus on it.

Kisses,
Babs

Check it out

2010-06-26T12:47:00.005-05:00

Sorry I haven't been around lately. I've been dealing with Jehovah's Witnesses for the past 394 days. I finally got rid of them so I'll have time to actually keep Flumadiddle going. Look for a new blasphemous post soon!

Big kisses,
Babs

Spelling, Schmelling

2009-08-07T17:53:00.010-05:00

I was talking to a friend today and he was telling me about a sign he saw. A sign he should have taken a picture of, but didn't. It was a sign for a proofreading business. A simple sign. Very simple.

It read:

Provereading here.

Grease Is The Word

2009-08-04T15:08:00.004-05:00

You know how a couple of weeks ago I wrote the enthralling epic about Michael Jackson showing up in a greasy pan? Well, I guess Jesus read my blog and got jealous about all the attention MJ was getting so he decided to make his own greasy appearance. Oliver Billerby of Yorkshire discovered the big J after cooking a hamburger. Excuse me, after burning a hamburger.

It's probably just me, but does it look like Jesus is eating the head off another person? Maybe it's some kind of freaky communion ritual, or maybe it's just that I'm heavily medicated.

Nah. Jesus definitely just ate someone's head. Nom. Nom. Nom.

Later,
Babsadoodle - who KNEW Jesus read her blog!

Church Sign O' The Week

2009-08-03T12:09:00.007-05:00

The ever lovely Kathleen sent me a picture of this church sign. I'm not sure I have words to describe it.

Wow, Church Sign Guy! Who knew you were such a redneck? I think next week the sign should read, "Open a can of whoop ass for Jesus".

Yeefuckin'haw,
Babs

Memory Loss is Groovy

2009-07-29T17:17:00.004-05:00

Yesterday I was going through some old documents on my almost broken and very decrepit PC. I came across this list and I have no idea why I have it. I seriously don't remember writing it or why I would need it. So, I'm going to share it with you just to give it some kind of purpose. Also, if you leave a comment you have to use one of these phrases in it.

Keep on truckin’
Right on
Bad
Boogie
10-4 good buddy, over and out.
Can ya dig it?
Dyn-o-mite
Far out, man.
Foxy mama
Funky
Gimme five
Slap me some skin
Groovy
Jive Turkey
Joshin’
Outta sight
Sit on it
Up your nose with a rubber hose.

I was obviously having some freaky 70s flashback.

It really is far out, man.
Babs

A Poem

2009-07-27T08:13:00.004-05:00

I just wanted everyone to know that my silence over the past week or so is because I got nothin'. I don't know if it's a lack of material, writer's block or just having the blahs, but I don't have a single thing to write about other than writing about not having anything to write about.

So, I'll share one of my poems. At least it will fill up space.

Constant Company

The dead are here. They breathe
on white sheets that I clip
to a cotton line, and suck the water
from coarse towels. They sit quietly
between rows of beans and glazed tomatoes;
filter dark earth through fingers
that once picked green peas from the vine.

The dead are here. They wait
until I pass through the shaded doorway
so they can whisper on my neck.
The words are indistinct,
yet I know they carry with them
the wisdom I have yet to attain.
It is there on the edge of my mind
waiting to find its way to my lips
like a name that one forgets
only to have it drop
from those spaces in your memory
where thoughts go to hide.

The dead are here. They rest
on faded red cushions and watch
as I soap the baby in the cool white sink.
Taste as I stir the pot of soup;
tell me when I’ve added too much salt.
They bring me notes from an unseen place
as I sit at a piano whose keys
are smooth from years of play.
And when night falls, the dead
gather on the edge
of sheets that smell like the sun,
and listen
as I read aloud these words.

Love,
Rachel

Ingenuity

2009-07-20T07:36:00.003-05:00

Love,

Babs

Under the Influence and In the News

2009-07-15T21:07:00.001-05:00

Nevada native Sean Smith was feelin' a bit tense, and decided that a nice blend of LSD and weed would be just the thing to take away all his cares and woes. Sean then decided that to further decrease his stress level, he should take a leisurely stroll down the highway. Naked. While claiming he was the Terminator. Unfortunately, his little bubble of bliss was popped when the police caught up with him and tasered him in front of a group of children.

In other news, Clayton Ernest Adams, who hails from Crestview, Fl, is doomed to suffer from a horrible malady which makes him a complete moron when he drinks. Police were called to a domestic disturbance call at Clayton's blessed abode which he shares with his beloved wife, Clarice Janette. I actually have no idea what his wife's name is. I just think Clayton Ernest and Clarice Janette sound right together. Anyway, the police were needed because Clayton complained that Clarice had locked him inside his truck. Inside. As in, inside the fucking truck. Poor Clayton Ernest had to break a window to get out.

Big Kisses,
Babs

20 Ways to Be a Kid

2009-07-13T06:13:00.000-05:00

Summer's here and it's the perfect time to be a kid. Go have fun. It's good for you.

Here's the list:

1. Catch lightning bugs
2. Play hopscotch
3. Chase down the ice cream truck
4. Blow soap bubbles
5. Hula hoop
6. Swing
7. Have friends over to play hide and go seek
8. Cloud watch
9. Camp out in the back yard
10. Jump off a rope swing over a river
11. Play in the sprinkler
12. Have a mud fight
13. Build an indoor fort with chairs and sheets
14. Eat watermelon on the back porch and spit the seeds
15. Have a water balloon or squirt gun war
16. Climb a tree
17. Skip stones
18. Go wading in a creek
19. Create a masterpiece with sidewalk chalk
20. Laugh until your sides hurt.

Feel free to add more in the comment section

Love,
Babs

Here Comes Peter Cottontail

2009-07-10T10:25:00.002-05:00

Hi kids! Today's sermon involves a pastor, a bunny and a town named Moorhead. Even though it may sound like one of my freaky fantasies, it's not. It's another church scandal! Yay!

Pastor Mark Ostergarden has been having an affair with a stripper, I'm sorry, a dancer named Bunny Byington for the past 3 years. It started off with him paying for a dance and then progressed to him paying for sex. Then one very magical day, Mark and Bunny decided they'd come to the point in their relationship where money didn't need to be exchanged anymore. That was also the day Mark asked Bunny to go steady, and then gave her his class ring.

Recently, however, Mark and Bunny got into a bit of a spat when she allegedly demanded that Mark pay her thousands of dollars or she would expose their affair. Mark refused to pay the money, so she blabbed to the church, and even emailed one of the church dudes a pic of Mark sporting only a t-shirt and underwear. Now, Mark and the church dude are having an affair.

Oh how I kid.

Where was I?

Oh yeah, Bunny has since been arrested for extortion. Here's a pic of her mugshot.

Oh my.

Hold the phone. Is she missing her right ear? If she's a one-eared stripper, that's one of the coolest things I've ever seen.

But she still frightens me.

Somebody please hold me,
Babs

Thank you, Dan, for sending me this story. And, no, I'm still not paying you for it. The story, that is.

Just Call My Name and I'll Be There

2009-07-07T08:19:00.020-05:00

It's bad enough that I have to keep up with Jesus and his mother popping up in various and assorted objects, but now guess who's starting to make appearances? Michael Jackson.

Felix Garcia of Stockton, California is claiming that he's seen the image of Michael in a tree stump.

I hate to tell you this, Felix, but that's not the King O' Pop. That's an angry Monchichi and you'd better hope it doesn't break free from it's stump. Seriously, dude, it will jack your shit up. Look how evil Monchichis are.

Scary little fuckers, aren't they?

Michael then hopped the Afterlife Express to Lajeado, Brazil so he could show up in a greasy pan. I dunno why he'd pick a greasy pan in Brazil. He was a very strange man and I cannot explain his reasoning.

Te Amo,
Babs

Hate It

2009-07-06T21:07:00.000-05:00

You know what I hate?

The phrase "creative juices".

I absolutely detest that phrase. If it was a person I'd want to throat punch it and then set its pubic hair on fire.

I'm so glad I got that off my chest.

Love,
Babs

Just a Squirrel Lookin' For a Nut

2009-07-02T17:23:00.013-05:00

I think we'd all agree that I've blogged about some weird shit here on Flumadiddle. This story has to be in the top three.

An unnamed woman - wait, you guys know how I hate 'unnamed' anything, so let's call this woman deranged and we'll name her Betty. Why the hell not? Betty was recently questioned by police in Warren, Ohio about a crime. I suppose there's nothing special in that, but the part that kinda buries the needle on the kooky meter is that Betty had a live squirrel tucked in her cleavage during the entire interrogation.

She also had a chipmunk shoved in her ass crack.

Okay, I made up the chipmunk part.

I hope.

Here's a shot of Betty performing her death-defying "Squirrel In My Cleavage" trick.

Can anyone explain why?

Warm Hugs and Sloppy Kisses,
Babs

Bananas and Bibles!

2009-06-30T21:07:00.000-05:00

One News Now has done it again. Another gripping article is up, and this one is about Ray Comfort. Ray's the dude who hangs out with Kirk Cameron and has the anti-evolution video in which he uses a banana as a demonstration tool. He's the banana man, and you can catch some hot banana action here.

Anyway, Ray was sitting around one night stroking his banana (it helps him think), and he had a flash of brilliance in which he realized that atheists and evolutionists don't have a bible. Hold the phone. What? They don't have a what? Holy, holy books, Batman! No bible? How do they manage to accomplish life's simplest of tasks without a bible to guide them in their every step?

But Ray's epiphany didn't stop there. He further taxed his brain and decided that atheists and evolutionists need a bible. Why? Let's have Ray explain it, "You ask one atheist something and he'll say I believe this about God -- and someone else will say something else," he shares. "They don't have a 'bible'...there is no rock to stand on."

Sweet Jesus on a paper plate! First no bible and now no rock? Someone hold me because I am scared. So scared and ever so cold. Just end the world now. Side note to Ray: If an atheist states that he believes something about God, guess what? Not an atheist.

The good news is that Ray has come up with an amazing solution to the lack of an atheist/evolutionist bible. He has written the Charles Darwin Bible. Well, hot dog and hallelujah! That's brilliant! Brilliant, I say. I only have one question.

What the fuck is a Charles Darwin Bible?

Well, Ray the Stroking Banana Man says that the Charles Darwin Bible takes a lot of evolutionary beliefs and juxtaposes them with scripture to create a clear case for the creator. I have trouble believing he really said that. Mostly because I don't think Ray knows what the word 'juxtaposes' means. I also think it's highly possibly that Ray is one chicken choker short of a circle jerk.

Anywho, I'd love to get my hands on Ray's banana. NO. That's not right. I'd love to get my hands on Ray's Charles Darwin Bible. So if any of you have one, give it up. I need it.

By the way, Bananas and Bibles is my new curse phrase. Oh Bananas and Bibles!

Smacks on the Ass,
Babs

Desperately Seeking

2009-06-25T18:04:00.021-05:00

And now it's time for another round of weird shit people have searched for that have led them to Flumadiddle Land, and my responses to their searches.

Odd quirky one liners – Eating bacon makes me touch myself.
Whatever you want whatever you need I just want you back from god – Sorry. I’m god’s bitch, now. It’s a lifelong thing. He even made me spit shake on it.
Birthday spanking dress position – I’m going to guess, um , up. Up would be good.
Wash their hair with pee – No! Don't wash their hair with pee. You can buy cheap shampoo for about a buck.
Balls hanging from exhaust pipe – Quit Googling this shit and get to an emergency room, man . Your nuts are on an exhaust pipe for fuck’s sake.
Seven pigs – 18 chickens, 2 cows, 4 horses, 1 Luther Vandross CD = unforgettable night.
How Fred Astaire’s levitating cane works – That’s not a levitating cane. He’s just happy to see you. Very , very happy.
Babs tits – I have two. They’re kind of a matching pair although the right one is a tad bigger than the left.
Shameless, Babs – Yeah, probably so.
What can pee do for the skin – The only thing I know of is that it can make your skin smell like pee. Which is awesome if you want to smell like a bad nursing home.
Chopstick acupuncture – Holy fuckmonkeys! That’s not acupuncture. That’s impaling.
Please, Mr. Postman penis – Is that what the song is really about? Ohhhh. I get it now. "Please, Mr. Postman. Wait and see. If there’s a letter in your bag for me.” And then Mr. Postman says, “I got your letter right here, dollface.”

Forever Yours,
Maiden Babsalot

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What Stinks?

2009-06-22T19:39:00.004-05:00

When you walk in the door of your home are you assaulted by foul odors? Worried that you're doomed to a life of a living somewhere that smells like old, crusty ass? Well, you can kick your worries right in the jimmy, because I have the solution to your odor problem.

His Essence Candles. See, they're candles that are made from the essence of Jesus. I know! Could anything be more awesome? I think not. Now, I'm not exactly sure just what part of Jesus his essence comes from. I'm not even sure how they extract it. But I have to admit that thinking about the possibilities does leave me a bit tingly. All I know is that once you start burning a candle that is filled with Jesus essence, your home will smell just like the son of the capital G god.

You might think that candles would be enough, but can you ever have too much Jesus essence? Um, that would be one big no motherflippin' way! So you really need to get one of these totally bitchin' His Essence mugs.

What better way to start your morning than having a big ol' cup of Essence o' Jesus? Deelicious!

Amen and Hallelujah!
Babs

VERY SPECIAL FLUMADIDDLE MESSAGE: Sometimes I'm a dumbass. I just realized that when I wrote the post about my crush, The Chemical Buddha, I didn't directly link to it. Um, fuckin' duh! So, here's the link: The Chemical Buddha. Also, TCB is dead and his 'monks' write the blog. Christ on a stick, I'm not a very good promoter...but I mean well, TCB. I really do!

Santa Baby

2009-06-20T11:14:00.002-05:00

Recently the Magnificent Fwig requested a return of an old post, and I can deny him nothing. This one was originally posted in 2006. I can't believe I've been blogging that long. Even more amazingly is that some of you have been around for most of it Anyway, here it is. A little Christmas in June.

Dear Santa

In the local paper this week (yep - our town only has a weekly paper) there were letters to Santa from kids at the local schools. Here are a few of the better ones, with my comments. Did you really think I wouldn't comment?

Dear Santa, Is it cold up ther? I am shr it is. dont wre it will be wrm in my house. there will be hot chaliket. i been bad and good sometimes. I hop I get the theng's I want for cricmus. I hop you will give me wut I want for cricmus. Love, Will

Will- I hop you get what you want for cricmus, too - as well as a few vowels. You need them.

Dear Santa, How are you and Mrs. Claus? Thank you for the gifts that you gave me last year. I would like to have pjs also a barbie. I will leve you cookies and milk. Merry Christmas, Jennifer.

Jen - If Santa doesn't bring you pajamas and a Barbie, he's a big, fat mean bastard, and I will personally help you kick his ginormous, lard-filled ass.

Dear Santa, I hope you and Mrs. Claus are okay. Thank you for the prezes. I wuld like to have for Christmas this year I'd like to have urk eestrik log shot. Id like to havv ddgn. I will leave kookez and nelk. Zakkari

Um...Zak..are you an alien? 'Cause the last half of your letter sounds a lot like what I would imagine alien-speak to be.

Dear Santa, I wont to send you a meshig. What I rillie want is a new puppy. Next, I rillie wont is a horse. Last, I onte is a nother puppy for crismus. I rillie want theshe things. Love, Kensey.

Kensey - you're entirely too young to be drinking. Lay off the sauce until you're at least in the 5th grade, okay?

Dear Santa, My name is Autumn. I really want a baby bed for all of my dolls. I would like to say "I love you, and be safe, your going to splash your bottom going into my house."

Autumn, dear child, do you possibly live in a houseboat? Swamp? A raft in the middle of a pond? C'mon kid, I'm dyin' to know exactly how Santa's going to get a wet tush going to your house.

Dear Santa, I hope you and Mrs. Claus are don w wenl. Thank you fur the presents. I would like to have for Christmas this year is a makn chrowch chok. And I wont is a now viteo gom. And the last sta I kan am irtnel is I wont a I wont a naw bike. Gabe

Yo Gabe! Are you by any chance related to Zak the Alien?

Dear Santa, Emily is my name. I would love to have a yellow moon shape touch light from the dollar tree. I would like to say "Merry Christmas and tell the rain deer hi for me."

It just breaks my heart that Emily only asks for one thing from the Dollar Tree. The Dollar Tree, people, where everything's a fucking dollar. Emily, if I knew who you were, I'd go to the Dollar Tree and buy you every single yellow moon touch lamp they had.

Eggnog For Everyone,
Babs

Pimpin' my Crush

2009-06-18T01:02:00.003-05:00

I have added a new blog to my blog roll. It is The Chemical Buddha and it's one of my daily reads. Mostly because I have a seriously major crush on The Chemical Buddha. He's an alcoholic. He's addicted to drugs, and he'll have sex with anything that will hold still. But somehow, underneath all of his vulgar behavior, there's something sweet and endearing and vulnerable about him. If he were here right now I'd give him a hug, a kiss on the cheek, and I'd probably grab his ass. With both hands.

Anyway, go check it out. It's worth the read. Unlike my blog, it actually makes you think.

Warm Fuzzies,
Babs

Space Oddity

2009-06-16T11:04:00.001-05:00

Those fun-lovin', nutty right-wingers over at One News Now are in one helluva self-righteous flap. Why the tizzy? Because that godless assemblage of bastard-type, space-loving, hell-bound, rocket-riding degenerates collectively known as NASA is supporting Gay and Lesbian Pride Month. Holy slippery Christ on a greased up trampoline, people!

I'm not sure if I should start with the fact that ONN decided that this graphic of a fudge covered space shuttle would be the best clip art for the article, or that the dude who wrote it is named Charlie Butts.

Smell that? That, my friends, is the aroma of maturity and I reek of it.

I suppose I really can't blame ONN for having their nuts in a lather over this. We all know that this is just one more step in homosexuals taking over the ~~world~~ ~~solar system~~ universe (which has been their diabolical plan all along). They're already stepping things up. You know how there used to be a gay agenda? Well, that wasn't spreading the gay fast enough so it's actually mutated into a disease. That's right. We now have...

The Gay is an airborne disease and is spread by Air Supply songs and by making direct eye contact with anyone named Charlie Butts.

Your face masks are futile. Taste the rainbow, bitches!

Much Love,
Babs - who doesn't really think any of you are a bitch. Well, except for YOU. You know who you are.

Best. Conversation. Ever.

2009-06-14T14:38:00.007-05:00

Here's a little background to the dialogue: Miller is 5 and is a friend's son. The unnamed girl is around 8 and is a neighbor of Miller's. She has a dog named Willie. Here's the conversation I overheard yesterday while the two of them were playing with the dog.

Miller: I have a cat named Buddy.
Girl: Really?
Miller: Not Willie. Buddy.
Girl: Really?
Miller: No. Buddy. Not Willie.
Girl: Really?
Miller: NO. His name isn't Willie. It's Buddy.
Girl: Really?
Miller: NO. IT'S NOT WILLIE. IT'S BUDDY!

I stepped in at that point and explained that she was saying 'really', not 'Willie'. I thought it was best before he beat up a girl.

Later,
Babs

Keepin' it Tight!

2009-06-09T09:00:00.001-05:00

While browsing church websites, as I'm wont to do in my spare time, I came across South Mountain Village Assembly of God. The church seems to be your typical Christian church and I don't really have anything to say about it except to point out their poor choice of a web address.

And by 'poor', I mean 'fucking awesome'.

Big Hugs,
Babsadoodle

Extra Fruity!

2009-06-05T23:27:00.002-05:00

Everyone, say hello to Janine Sugawara. I guess this would be a better introduction if I actually had a photo of Janine, but sadly I do not. Janine is some kind of special. The stupid kind. What did Janine do to win such high praise? I think it has something to do with her being in court recently trying her darnedest to win a lawsuit in which she claims she was duped because the crunch berries in Cap'n Crunch Crunch Berries cereal aren't real fruit.

What the fuckity fuck? There's not a delectable fruit known as a crunch berry? I feel as though my entire life has been a lie.

Astonishingly enough, Janine did not win her case.

Psst, Janine. You should totally sue those bastards again, because Cap'n Crunch? Not one single captain in the box.

Oh, the disappointments of life.

Smooches,
Babs

Shameless Plugs and Clowns

2009-05-31T22:51:00.006-05:00

For Christ's Sake, Quit Clownin' Around

John Claussen is a pastor in the fine city of Des Moines, and he thinks that maybe people are getting bored with his sermons. I'm betting John's assumption is correct. But no worries, because this summer John is taking Sunday morning to a new level. A level of epic proportions. And how is he doing this? By dressing up as a clown. As in, he's going to be dressed as a clown while he preaches.

Holy flaming pulpits, Batman!

A preaching clown = scarier than anything I could have even imagined. Ever. Especially when you throw in that his 'clown name' is Leviticus W. Doorknocker, which to me sounds like some totally pervy Amish dude.

Anywho, John's not stopping with clowns. No way, Jose. John's going to have a different theme every Sunday. Like Cowboy Sunday and Uniform Sunday and Billy Bob's Barnyard Bible School.

Kinky, John. I love it! In fact, I love it so much that I have a few more theme ideas for you along with the corresponding sermon titles. It's just my little contribution to the Lord's work.

Pirate Sunday - Ya Scurvy Dogs are Walkin' the Plank Straight to Hell
Sci-Fi Sunday - God's Ray Gun is Bigger Than Yours
Mardi Gras Sunday - For the Love of God, Show Me Your Tits
Luau Sunday - Jesus Leied Down His Life For You
Fiesta Sunday - Donde Estan Mis Pantalones? (I realize this doesn't have anything to do with Jesus, but it's the only Spanish I know.) WAIT. I've got it. Donde Estan Mis Pantalones, Jesus?
Ships Ahoy Sunday - Jesus Loves You No Matter How Nautical You've Been

You're welcome, John. You are welcome.

Zazzle Me

The first round of t-shirts are up on Zazzle and they're ready to buy. You can get them here.

Facebook

Flumadiddle is now on Facebook and you can become a fan. Doing so will keep you updated on the Flumadiddle swag that's available and you'll also be in the know as to when I update the blog. Becoming a fan will also save your soul.

It's the least I could do.

Hugs and Kisses,

Babs

She's Back!

2009-05-26T16:43:00.018-05:00

Oh The Bitch Is Back

Okay, kids. I've decided to bring back Flumadiddle! Woohoo!

The reason I abandoned my precious Flumadiddle to begin with was because of my job. Now that, that small detail has been so graciously taken care of by my former employer in the form of me getting fired, I can be out and proud. Um...as a godless heathen, that is. I was concerned that my blog would be seen by clients and they'd be offended and so on and so forth. Well, I can say 'fuck it' now and be the adorable little reprobate that you all know and love. Or possibly just tolerate.

I will be bringing back Church Sign O' the Week and That Jesus Sho' Gets Around. I might even make a video or two. In other exciting news, I am working on some Flumadiddle original t-shirt and bumper sticker designs! I am sure you're as thrilled as I am. If so, you're seriously about to piss yourself right now.

What the fuck. Let's start with a Jesus sighting right now.

That Jesus Sho' Gets Around

Who's the cheesiest? Or maybe it should be the Jeesiest? It's Jesus and he's been found in a bag of Cheetos. That Jesus sure does like his snacks, and you know why? 'Cause he's totally baked all the time. And, damn can Jesus get the good shit.

Anyway, Dan and Sarah Bell of Dallas, TX are the lucky duo who found the Jesus Cheeto. Not only are they a lucky duo, but they're also a very clever duo and they've named their Jesus Cheeto 'Cheesus'.

Oh.

Well, thanks for stealing my joke Dan and Sarah. Now what the hell am I supposed to do with the Jesus Cheeto?

I know! A picture. I don't know if it's just me, but when I look at that I don't see Jesus. You wanna know what I see?

Some people see Jesus, I see a vibrator. Who would have guessed that one?

Until next time...

Take Care,
Babs - Less filling. Tastes great!

She's Alive

2008-07-16T21:03:00.005-05:00

Just wanted to say thank you to all of your for the emails and messages. Yes, I made it back from vacation and we had an awesome time. Seriously awesome. I kissed a dolphin. Did you hear me people. I KISSED A DOLPHIN!

Here's a pic to prove it.

I also swam with this same dolphin.

See that goofy grin I had on my face? It was pretty much there the whole time I was with the dolphin. Yeah. I looked like a total dork through the entire thing.

Discovery Cove was fantastic, Sea World was fantastic, the beach was fantastic! You know the only thing that wasn't fantastic? The drivers in Orlando. Those people are crazy. Completely insane. There are absolutely no driving rules there. None. You just do pretty much whatever you want. The bad thing is, I'm back home and still driving like I'm in Orlando. Yay for driving like a maniac!

Anyway, I really appreciate everyone giving me their input on where I should live. I think I'm going to be here for awhile, afterall. Yes, there is a reason for such a thing and I'd love to tell you all about it, but I can't. It's a secret. A super duper, wonderfully amazing secret.

And with that, I'll quit rambling and say "good night".

Take Care,

Babs

Queen of the Road

2008-06-15T13:03:00.003-05:00

Well, it's only a few more days until I leave for vacation, and fuck me, I can't wait! If nothing else just to get out of this god-forsaken place I live.

Speaking of, since my daughter graduated last month, I no longer have strings attached to Arkansas. Which means I am free to roam the country. I can live wherever I want. I don't even have to live in the US. I could move to Micronesia or something.

But I need a little help with planning my move and that's where all of you come in. I need you guys to tell me how it is where you live and if it sounds good to me, who knows? I could be your new neighbor! Wouldn't that be fun? Alright, I promise not to move in next door to any of you, but across town wouldn't be so bad, would it?

So, how about it? Where should I live and why?

Take Care,
Babs

F-U-C-K

2008-06-05T05:54:00.000-05:00

Here's a quick update on what's been going on in my life.

1. Work is driving me crazy.
2. I'm not dating anymore.
3. We're having a pirate party at the office night and I'm wearing a somewhat slutty costume. I'm also planning on calling everyone "scurvy dogs" all night. Arrgh!
4. I've started working out. As in weight training, and my trainer is this guy named Thomas. You know - I used to be married to him and his penis. I'm pretty sure he's getting me back for all the times I mentioned his penis on my blog, because he really digs it when I'm in pain.
5. I've stopped smoking, or at least paused - I'm not sure which, yet. Hopefully stopped.
6. Work is driving me crazy.
7. I'm going on a 10-day trip to Florida and I'm taking my daughter and her best friend. We leave the 20th of this month. I can't wait.
8. Work is driving me so crazy that I want to just say, "fuck it" and walk out the door.
9. I'm eating healthy food.
10. If I am to believe my spam folder, I've been picked at least 429 times to be a mystery shopper.
11. I've come across a bunch of goofy ass news pieces that I want to write about, but I don't have the brain power.
12. The vacation I'm taking is my first real vacation in 4 years. Four years and no vacation. No wonder I'm going nuts.
13. I miss you guys.

Take Care,
Babs

I'm Still Alive

2008-05-22T17:19:00.001-05:00

Hi everyone! Remember me? Well, I am still kickin' - mostly ass, lately. Life has been a bit busy, but hopefully in the next day or so I'll try to get a real post up here.

In the meantime, have fun, be safe and don't forget to floss.

Babsaroni

I Believe You're An Asshat

2008-04-26T08:26:00.006-05:00

Memo to Rep. Edward Bullard from Florida: Fuck you. And I mean that in the nicest way possible. Seriously, fuck you.

Why the animosity towards Eddie? He's the jackass that's trying to get this license plate approved so Christians all over the fine state of Florida can let everyone know about their faith:I suppose that Eddie's attempt at getting this plate approved shouldn't garner a "fuck you", but the last two sentences of this article does. "Bullard, the plate's sponsor, isn't sure all groups should be able to express their preference. If atheists came up with an "I Don't Believe" plate, for example, he would probably oppose it."

Oppose this, you hypocritical douche bag.

I'm practically gushing love today, huh?

Take Care,
Babs

Happy Earth Day!

2008-04-22T04:50:00.003-05:00

Take Care,
Babs

The $300 Man

2008-04-20T15:25:00.012-05:00

Sometimes things happen that almost make me believe there may be a god. This morning I was telling Jesus Guy that I needed something good to blog about - like a pastor fornicating with one of his church members, or something equally scandalous. I'm starting to think that maybe Jesus Guy has connections with that other Jesus, because while I didn't get a story about a pastor, I did get me some fornicating.

Well, that didn't come out the way I meant it to. I mean I got a story about some Christian fornicating. Yay for Fornicating Sunday!

Maybe I should just get on with the story. LaVern Jordan is the founder of Parkway Christian School down yonder in Spring, Texas. Lest you think that I use the phrase "down yonder" on a regular basis, I don't. But I'm pretty sure there's a writing style rule that dictates that any time you write about a location in Texas, you have to describe it as "down yonder." Anyway, LaVern may sound like a chick's name, but this LaVern is a dude. A totally sexy dude. Have a look see for yourself.

Sweet cheese on a cracker, LaVern. You're makin' all sorts of funny stuff happen down yonder in my pants. You sure are, you big, studly hunka man meat.

LaVern charges tuition for his Christian school, but sometimes under very special circumstances, he'll waive the fee. For instance, let's say you can't afford to pay for your daughter to attend the school. Bummer, huh? But no worries, because you can have hot, steamy, missionary position sex with LaVern and those tuition fees will magically disappear.

Unfortunately for LaVern, when he suggested his super groovy money-saving plan to one of the parents, he didn't realize that the woman he was offering his "sword of the lord" to was taping the entire conversation. He probably also didn't realize that I'm going to post the conversation right here, but I am.

LaVern: "Do you have sexual relationships often anymore? Are you seeing a man now?"
Parent Who Totally Busted Lavern: "No. Nuh-uh."
LaVern: "For the uh enrollment fee and stuff like that, maybe you and I could do something, you think?"
PWTBL: "Yeah, what I mean what, what you gonna wipe out all the fees?"
LaVern: "All the enrollment fees."
PWTBL: "All the enrollment fees?"
LaVern: "Three hundred dollars."
PWTBL: "So you gonna wipe everything if me and you get together?"
LaVern: "The enrollment fee, yeah."
PWTBL: "Yeah. OK."
LaVern: "If you and I get together."
PWTBL: "What you mean, I mean, what?"
LaVern: "Watcha mean? Excuse me, and I don't mean to be so blunt, but I am talking about fucking you."
PWTBL: "You talkin' about what?"
LaVern: "Fucking you. For the three hundred dollars I would expect maybe we could get together several times, you think?"
PWTBL: "Several times, whatcha mean by several times?"
LaVern: "Well I don't know, you might like whatcha getting. If you're not in like just a great big hurry, I know uh, of a place not too far that we can go and I can just do...that...we can just do some play around a little bit. Would you like that? We could go and do some titty play.
PWTBL: "No."
LaVern: "Nobody else will know."
PWTBL: "Nuh-uh."
LaVern: "Can I touch you?"

Holy tingling naughty parts, LaVern! You bad, bad Christian boy with your filthy whore's tongue. You are so making me want to touch myself right now. Seriously, can there be a better pickup line than, "Let's go do some titty play"? I'm not even sure what the fuck that's supposed to mean, but I know it is definitely workin' for me.

I think this has to be the most awkward exchange regarding sex ever made in the history of mankind. You can see the news story here, and watch LaVern the Love Muffin try to deny that he was just in a truck behind a La Quinta Inn trying to get his groove on. La Quinta. That's pure class, LaVern.

Take Care,
Babs - who's all about doin' some play around.

Bring on the McGay, Bitch!

2008-04-07T18:49:00.018-05:00

I hate to break it to the children of born-again parents, but you will never be allowed to have another Happy Meal again. Wanna know why? Mostly because your parents are batshit crazy, and think that because McDonald's is now a corporate sponsor of the National Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce, if you eat a Happy Meal you will instantly turn into a homosexual. But not just your run-of-the-mill homosexual, but instead, a raging, maniacal, crazy-eyed homosexual with an agenda. THAT GAY ONE! Then after you've tried turning everyone else into a raging, maniacal, crazy-eyed homosexual, you'll be damned to hell for all eternity. All because you ate a Happy Meal! Way to go, kid. I hope the crappy toy was worth it.

At least that's what the geniuses over at World Net Daily are reporting, or pretty close to that anyway. The crew over at WND have their collective hamster-sized scrotums in a snag because not only has McDonald's become a corporate sponsor of the godless, gay agenda, but its VP of communications, Richard Ellis, has been elected to the board of that really, really supergay Chamber of Commerce. Well, jumping Jesus on a trampoline! Who the hell knows what McD's will do next? They'll probably start putting strap-ons and tubs of anal lube in the Happy Meals.

The big guys at McDonald's refused to return phone calls from WND, but did send an email that stated, "McDonald's is indeed a Corporate Partner and Organizational Ally of NGLCC. " I think they should have added, "We also think that you should indeed shove that up your overly tight, born-again asses."

I am so thrilled with McDonald's, I thought I'd help them out with a few new menu ideas that will reflect their choice to embrace that crazy, gay agenda.

Take Care,

Babs - who always knew that Ronald was totally gay.

#^@%$&!

2008-04-04T17:05:00.012-05:00

The lovely Heather pointed me towards a fun little toy. Not THAT kind of toy, you pervs. But, rather The Blog and Website Cuss-O-Meter!

I know you all will be rather shocked to know that Flumadiddle registered the following:

Created by OnePlusYou

How the fuck did I not get in the f-bomb range? Speaking of "f-bomb", I absolutely hate that phrase. Mostly because I think if you feel the word "fuck" is some sort of explosive device in your speaking, you may be a little too uptight and may need to just loosen the fuck up or something.

But the Cuss-O-Meter page did state that my 40.6% was 408% more than other websites that took this test.

So, I've got that going for me.

Take Care,

Babs

Nice Package

2008-04-01T06:20:00.006-05:00

This note was left on the door of the office the other day.

I sorry I missed you, too, UPS dude. I honestly don't have any problem at all with what you put up your pants on your own time. Boxes, furry woodland creatures, cattle prods, roller skates - whatever blows your skirt up. However, if you're going to be putting boxes up your pants, please don't use the box you're delivering to us and please don't do it in one of our trucks. Okay? I mean, we're definitely a strange bunch around here, but we're not box-up-our-pants strange.

Take Care,

Babs

Take it All Off!

2008-03-31T11:47:00.001-05:00

Craig Rhodenhizer is a pastor in Lyndonville, Ohio. He left his house last Wednesday night to go to Best Buy, but Craig didn't come back home. His wife reported him missing, and was probably scared that he'd been abducted by the Geek Squad. But Saturday she heard the good news that he'd been found. Well praise Jesus and pass the butter beans! The bad news was, Craig was located at a strip club.

Oh.

Maybe we were a bit hasty with the praising Jesus thing.

After Craig was totally busted, he pretended that he didn't know where he was or how he got there. Fucking brilliant, Craig! The only problem with his oh-so-clever excuse is that some trampy dancer at the club stated that not only did Craig know exactly what he was doing, but he also knew how to tell her about it using obscenitites. Yay for dirty talk! In his disoriented state, Craig also had a few drinks, a few lap dances and offered to pay one of the dancers to go back to a motel room with him. I dunno. Maybe when you have some dirty whore grinding her naughty parts on your lap, you do become disoriented.

Or maybe when you're a supposed man of god and you get caught shoving dollar bills in a stripper's g-string, you don't have enough wits about you to come up with a better excuse. Why didn't Craig blame it on Satan? Satan's been taking the rap for Christian's bad behavior for thousands of years. It's not like a little stripper action is going to hurt his reputation.

Craig's wife, Susan, stated that her husband's behavior was, "Very, very surprising. Totally out of character." I hate to say it, but I think Susan is totally out of touch with reality. She also stated that Craig's behavior must have been due to being so stressed from the Lenten and Easter season.

Well, now it's all coming together and starting to make sense. I know after enduring yet another Easter, I have this strange urge to go down to the local strip club and see me some stripper tits. It's the only thing that will wash the horror of the resurrection and Peeps out of my mind.

Take Care,
Babs

Should I Date Jesus?

2008-03-30T20:23:00.005-05:00

I Did It

I now have a personal ad online. I think I picked the perfect username, too. TheAntiPerky. That should keep away the men who are wanting some bundle of sunshine chick, dontcha think?

I just figured what the hell. It can't hurt and so far I'm having fun with it. I've also discovered that 95% of the men in NW Arkansas are Christians. Big surprise, huh? So, I email the Christian dudes and ask them if they want to convert me. So far, I haven't had any takers with that totally awesome pick-up line. Who knows? I might end up with some pretty good stories to share with you, and by "pretty good stories" I mean dating horror stories.

Sorry, Evo, I didn't go with your "fucking in front of the Frigidaire" idea. I figure that will have to keep until I get desperate.

That Jesus Sho' Gets Around

I don't know what Jesus thinks he's doing, but that crazy beehotch has been showing up everywhere lately. I guess he's feelin' pretty footloose and fancy free after pulling his resurrection trick. Again.

In the past week or so, JC has shown up in a door, a shower and a window.

I'm sorry, but that is most certainly John Travolta stuck in that door. It must be some kind of Scientology trick. The shower image looks like One-Eyed Bob who hangs out on the corner, and smells like summer sausage and cheap gin. And the window looks like the bitch needs to use some Windex.

Take Care,
Babs

What Was I Looking For?

2008-03-21T07:21:00.008-05:00

It's time again for another installment of Desperately Seeking - that fun game where I share the strange Google searches that have led people to the even stranger Flummadiddle Land. YAY! I said...fuckin' YAY!

Before we go any further, I have to mention one thing. The majority of the searches still have to do with stinky penises. For the love of little green monkeys, I am sorry that your junk stinks, but I can't do anything about it, so STOP IT. Just stop. Please.

Okay, here we go.

Worse than Phil Collins - Michael Bolton. Yeah. That's pretty much all I can come up with.

Squirrels rob bank - I've been trying to tell everyone that squirrels are some evil little bastards.

Nut kicking/training - How much training does it take to kick someone in the nuts? I've been doing it since I was 8. For chrissake, just aim in the general direction of his crotch and kick.

Bible verse about brownies - That's easy. It's John 5:29 "And Jesus saith unto his disciples, 'Let not your hearts be troubled, for I have brownies. Special brownies, nudge nudge wink wink. Get it? Special brownies. NO? Ye disciples are morons. I have brownies and they're special. Ye knoweth of what I speak...aw fuck it'. And Jesus was sorely vexed and forthwith bitch slapped his disciples about the face.

Creepy Arkansas - It's just west of Eerie, Arkansas and 20 miles north of That's Just Sick, Arkansas.

Spider nun- Spider nun, spider nun she's leggy, furry and lots of fun.

Christ queef - I know JC was supposed to be able to do the whole miracle thing, but could he really queef? If so, that totally rocks.

Crotch scratching is a sign of what - Um, I'm going to guess an itchy crotch?

What to do if bunny dies - Cry. Cry some more. Sob uncontrollably. Bury bunny. Replace dead bunny with new and improved bionic bunny.

Fun and fruity nicknames - Well, that depends. If you're trying to come up with a nickname for a man, you can go with Blueberry Balls. For a woman, Watermelon Ass. Use these and you will get laid. Guaranteed.

Fun unusual facts about pigs - 1) Pigs love to read trashy romance novels. 2) Pigs are born with five legs, but the mommy pig always eats one of the legs 'cause pigs loves them some pork. 3) Pigs snort massive amounts of magic dust which is what makes bacon so damn tasty. 4) Contrary to popular cartoon sterotyping, pigs do not stutter, nor do they run around in nothing but a shirt. They are very well-spoken and well dressed.

Penis fell out- 8 inch stroke with a 6 inch dick.

Take Care,
Babs

Spring is in My Pants!

2008-03-15T09:50:00.007-05:00

Spring is almost here, and we all know what that means. Less clothing will be worn. This in turn means that I need to 1. Get a tan 2. Get a pedicure 3. Buy some really cute sandals 4. Lose 20 pounds.

The first three are easily attained, the fourth is a bit tougher. Until the past three years I have never needed to lose weight. Most of my adult life, I've needed to gain it, but something strange and unholy occured in my body when I turned 36. Maybe it was age, or the hormone pills I was on, or it could have been a demon I picked up beause I accidentally overheard a Barry Manilow song at the grocery store. Whatever the cause, I suddenly found myself chubby.

If you're a naturally happy, perky person you can totally pull off chubby and everyone thinks it's adorable. But if you're a black-hearted, cynical beehotch, chubby just doesn't look cute. In fact, if I cut my hair, stopped wearing makeup and began sporting flannel shirts, I could easily pass for an angry man-lesbian that wants to arm wrestle everyone for the last donut. So now I'm stuck with having to do something about my weight and I've been at a complete loss as how to acomplish this task. Until now. Now I have the perfect plan. (Keep in mind that absolutely no reasearch has been done for this plan. None. )

I've come up with a weight loss plan that will let me eat anything I want and still lose weight. All I have to do is acquire a tapeworm. I get a tapeworm, lose the weight I want and then go to the doctor to have Mr. Wormy removed. I know! It's fucking brilliant, isn't it? I'm sure there are side effects to having a tapeworm, but if I decided to use diet pills there would be side effects, too.

Hmmm...I just mentioned the Babtastic Tapeworm Weight Loss Program to my friend, Lisa, and she informed me that her uncle died from a tapeworm. Fortunately for my big mouth, this was an uncle that she didn't know, unfortunately for the rest of me there seems to be a pretty serious side effect of being a tapeworm host.

I guess I need to do at least a little research because I'm not sure how one goes about obtaining a tapeworm. Maybe there's some type of tapeworm blackmarket? Do I just need to eat bad pork? Visit a third-world country and lick a goat's ass? Stomp on freshly squeezed dog turds with my bare feet?

I really hope it's not the last two, because there's just a little too much ick factor involved in either, and I really don't have the time to go tromping around some under-developed country hunting down goats. I also need to figure out what the time frame is between tapeworm acquisition and death. Once I've figured that out, this weight loss thing should be a breeze.

Take Care,
Babs - who does not recommend the Babtastic Tapeworm Weight Loss Program to anyone who is pregnant, nursing, could become pregnant, males with hair, hairless males, females who are breathing or anyone who is currently hosting some other type of parasite.

The Spike/Chopstick/Acupunture Mystery Solved

2008-03-12T19:13:00.005-05:00

Those of you guessed what the spikes were coming out of my head were oh so close, but none of you will be winning a prize.

Here is where the friggin' spikes came from -

A clock, and I wear it on the back of my head. That way when people ask me for the time, I can turn around and moon them at the same time.

See? It not only keeps time, but it saves time, too. It's my very special, spiky clock.

Take Care,

Babs - time, time, time, time, time <---I just wanted to throw in that word a few more times.

My Scarf

2008-03-11T16:47:00.004-05:00

LOOKIE!!!

Don't look at me, but at the scarf I'm holding on to. Isn't it the most awesome scarf in the whole entire world? You know why I'm holding on to it? Because I'm not going to let anyone take it from me, and if you try you're going to have to take on me.

It won't be pretty either, beehotch.

Here are the reasons why this is the most awesome scarf in the whole entire world. First off, it's one of my very favorite colors. Second, I love the weight of the yarn. Third, I totally dig that it's handmade. Fourth, it's the perfect length. I can either wrap it or wear it unwrapped with a brooch. Do people still call them brooches or am I really sounding like a 90 year old woman right now?

The biggest reason why it's now the scarf that I make never take off, is that Kathleen made it for me. Yep, the very same adorable Kathleen that hangs around this place. She made a scarf with her own two little hands. For me! I'm assuming she used her hands, but who knows, she's probably talented enough to knit with her toes.

Anyway, this is one of the sweetest gifts I've ever received in my life. Thank you, Kathleen and great big hugs to you. I LOVE the scarf. LOVE it! So, you just take your bad self and rock on with those knitting needles.

I will now resume my status quo of being non-perky, cynical and generally bitchy.

Take Care,
Babs

Which came first, the bunny or the egg?

2008-03-04T20:13:00.007-06:00

Excuse Me?

I received an email that someone sent from GodTube. The subject line was "I Love Little Boys", and the message was "You heard me!".

I'm hoping this was one of you trying to point me in the direction of some hideous video I could poke fun at. If so, could you send it again with the video? If it's not one of you, then someone on GodTube is one sick dickhole and they're proud of it. Why they would want me to know is a mystery, though.

Church Sign O' the Week

This week we have a 2 for 1 special, and it's only Tuesday! I think a certain g-o-d is smiling down on this happy, little heathen.

Sign #1 - Easter Eggstravaganza

Sign #2 - Have an eggcellent Easter

Church Sign Guy must be one of those liberal Christians who think it's A-OK to have eggs and bunnies and all manner of pastel, goofy stuff at Easter. Unlike those stuffy evangelical, born again buttholes who think that if you dare give your child an egg on Easter, Jesus will send Moses down from way up there in heaven to bean you on the head with his staff. And, trust me, Moses has a huge staff. I'll betcha his staff is really hoary, too. I just had to throw that in, because every time I think of Moses (which is a lot) I think of the word "hoary".

CSG is also obviously on a campaign to have all of the church signs in the area have some pun with the word "egg" in it so, I thought I'd help out. Here are a few ideas:

Demon possessed? Come get eggcorcised.
I'm pickin' up good vibrations. Jesus is giving me eggcitations.
Jesus can beat the eggscrement out of the Easter Bunny.
Our pews may be eggscrutiatingly uncomfortable, but not as uncomfortable as you'll be in the lake of fire.
Jesus: He's eggstra special (but not short bus special)
Come get your sin eggsfoliated.
On Judgement Day there will be no eggscuses for you being such a dirty, dirty whore.
Be eggstreme for Jesus - he likes it rough.
Last one to heaven is a rotten egg.
Our pastor's having an eggstramarital affair, but we're not telling his eggsasperating wife.
Enter as a sinner, but eggsit as an annoyingly pious person.

And if you want to do a sign with something other than eggs, what about bunnies?

You're no bunny 'til some bunny loves you enough to tell you that you're going to die and go to hell.

Take Care,
Babs - who has a feeling that The Eggsterminator is going to have some of his own sign ideas.

Some moron had this idea...

2008-03-02T10:31:00.006-06:00

I just have to say that whoever had the idea of taking everyone's book entry from my last post, and making a compilation of them was a total and complete doink. But, I did it anyway. Here are the reworked entries. They are not amusing. They could possibly be slightly entertaining if you're drunk. So, you might want to grab a bottle before you attempt to read this. Hell, you don't even have to read it. Just leave me a comment stating the obvious that my blog has gone to shit in the past month and what the fuck is wrong with you, Babs?

The truth is, I don't know. Please be patient and I'm sure I'll have my godless mojo back soon. I may have to make an entreaty to the Most High God of Blasphemy.

Let's just get this post over with and hopefully we can move on to something less painful. Here are the new and improved entries! Yeah, that's it. They're new and improved and less filling!

A delirium is characterized by a disturbance of consciousness and a change in cognition that develop over a short period of time. Moreover, there are no laws to protect privately owned rocks, as there are for creeks and certain trees. Or they can try.

By sometime around 330 B.C., Alexander the Great had conquered much of the known world, including what we now call the Middle East. Like Napoleon and Hitler, Alexander was short and very much distrusted cats, Jews and newspapers. Strauss, by way of gratitude, called him a dilettante. Straight truth, Blair thought.

We will now suppose that a nurse has been called to a confinement case. Unfortunately, the obvious 2.Nb1-c3 move is not effective because black can defend the e4-square with Ng8-f6. Another difficulty may arise with some seeds and some weather conditions where an electrostatic charge builds up and hold the seeds to the plate.

At the end of each episode the whole family comes together to drink a cup of Maxwell House coffee. Their eyes watch, as if ready to silence any impudence; they look like they should be carrying switches.

After 2.c2-c4 d5xc4, white is able to gain undisputed control over the center of the board with 3.Nb1-c3 and 4.e2-e4. Soon after his victories he stepped on a rainbow and spent a great deal of downtime hopping around hell on a pogo stick waiting to be bugled to Jesus, who, of course, would not be born for another three hundred years.

The most reliable method of all is to immobilize the freewheel in a freewheel vise and use two chain whips . The woman in the middle spoke, “If I could have the lovely balm Moira spoke of, and a meal, I'd be as good as new-but for the fact every bone of my body feels as if it’s been hit with a hammer."

If you twist a tool sideways you may damage some cog teeth. Owners can chip them, mine them, even demolish them. Cold may be applied to the abdomen and the genitals

The disorders included in the "Delirium" section are listed according to presumed etiology:

Like Napoleon and Hitler, Alexander did not get to have much fun in life. (delirium due to multiple etiologies )

The idea that Mark's gospel might be the earliest of the four, first occurred to Weiss during the progress of his work." (substance induced delirium)

Kahlan took a second glance at their hands to see if they were empty. (delirium not otherwise specified)

The second example was created in 1951 for Procter & Gamble (4) with each fifteen-minute episode interrupted by a commercial for the cleaning product Spic & Span. I solved that problem by fabricating a small wooden crossbar with a toothbrush attached below it.

What is the first thing to be done? White usually continues with 2.c2-c4, a move that gambits a pawn, though it is rare that black accepts the offer. The farther apart the tools are, the harder it is to channel their force in the right directions.

Take Care,

I am not signing my name to this

Tag Me Down There

2008-02-26T19:40:00.004-06:00

Not only have I been a crappy blog writer lately, I've been an even crappier blog reader. I have no excuse. I was tagged by the lovely and talented OG LAST WEDNESDAY, and I didn't see it until tonight. I am so sorry, OG. If you're upset, you can always take it out on Evo. He really, really loves the abuse.

So here are the rules of the tag:

Grab the nearest book (that is at least 123 pages long).
2. Open to p. 123.
3. Go down to the 5th sentence.
4. Type in the following 3 sentences.
5. Tag five people.

Since the room my computer is in also houses my art supplies, the book closest to me is a nursing book from 1909 that I bought because it had some pretty cool illustrations that I wanted to use in my art.

Here are the three sentences.

Cold may be applied to the abdomen and the genitals. We will now suppose that a nurse has been called to a confinement case. What is the first thing to be done?

Christ on a stick! Even when I participate in a seemingly innocent game of tag, my blog heads straight for the nether regions. Flumadiddle - all the crotch you could ever hope for, without all those nasty STDs.

I am going to tag any of my readers who haven't already been tagged - you can leave your 3 sentences in the comments. OH OH OH then I can post a compilation of them and see what we come up with. Ohmigod! Won't that totally be fun? Of course, it will!

I'm so easily amused.

Take Care,
Babs

Let's All Go to the Movies

2008-02-23T10:15:00.005-06:00

I've been disappointed with movies for quite a few years now. It's rare to find one that is actually worth paying $30 dollars to go see. To me, all the movies follow the same story lines and have the same types of characters. Where is the originality? Now it's gotten so bad they've actually brought back Rambo to the big screen. This is why I usually just stay home and watch IFC if I'm in a movie mood.

We all know that movies are for entertainment and are supposed to transport us to another world where everything is magical. I should say that most of us know that, because I think there are people who think that the movies are supposed to be how real life plays out. Unfortunately, 30 years from now those people are still going to be sitting in their apartment with 63 cats and their pet parakeet, Muffin, waiting for the love of their life to come knocking on their door and instantly fall in love with them and their 63 cats. At this point Muffin is incidental and can be eliminated if necessary.

Anyway, here is a list of the idiocy found in movies:

1. You will fall in love one of three ways. a.) Love at first sight. b.) Hate at first sight. c.) You'll fall in love with your best friend. If it's instant love, you'll think the object of your affection has been screwing their neighbor, but then you'll find out the whole time they were just planning a surprise party for you. Ohmigod! Then you're all in love again and romping in the sack. If it's instant hate, you'll find out that the object of your affection donated their kidney to some 8 year old girl, and the only way they found out she needed a kidney was because they overheard her aunt talking about in line at the grocery store. Donating a kidney to a little girl they didn't even know? Wow do they ever rock your socks! If it's your best friend, you will begin falling in love with him over a basket of fries while you're listening to how that filthy, filthy whore of girl just dumped him. Later, when you give him a consoling hug, you inadvertently discover that even though you thought for years that he stuffed a sock down his pants, you were very, very wrong. And now you love him more than you ever loved any other person in the entire solar system. You also totally get why his friends always call him Big D even though his name is Josh.

2. If you're the dorky adolescent at school your friends will consist of: the chubby kid, the clumsy kid, the ethnic minority kid, the bookworm kid, and the kid who eats his own scabs. You will all get wedgies every day by the class bully until you exact your revenge by building a giant cannon that shoots dog turds. You will also form a ragtag sports team. Your team will never be described by any adjective other than "ragtag". You will win the big tournament with only 2 seconds left on the time clock. The scab eater will then be hoisted on the shoulders of you and your fellow geeks, and you'll carry him around while the school band makes a pathetic attempt at playing We Will Rock You.

3. If you're the dorky teenager at school you'll end up going to the prom with the popular chick/dude. You're the underdog. You will fucking win, you little nerd.

4. Life comes with background music. This really bothers me, because I want it to be true. Seriously, how cool would it be to have your own background music? For one thing it could save your life because....

5. You will never be slashed to death until the scary music starts.

6. In the movies, the space between your cootch and your arms is a magical place for babies. If you give birth, at some point between the baby exiting your vagina and being placed in your arms, your child will age at least 2 months. Your newborn baby will also be abnormally alert, and will be talking and eating whole foods. The kid might possibly be smoking a cigar and screaming for someone to turn off the goddamn bright light. I have little baby retinas here and you're burning them, morons.

7. If you're a woman, you will never be attacked in a dark alley unless you're wearing 4" heels, and a dress that can be easily torn. To avoid this, either wear your tearaway dress with tennis shoes, or wear your 4" heels with a dress made out of the formed plastic that is used for packaging.

8. If you are a detective and have a partner, one of you will be funny and one of you will be anally serious. There's a 99.7% chance that you will be different ethnicities. If you're the funny one you will not be white, but you will be the one who solves the murder. At the end of the movie, Detective Crabbyass will finally crack a smile at one of your jokes. You will then go on to be in 500 sequels.

9. If your name is Sylvester Stallone or Steven Segal you will star in movies even though the scope of your acting ability is being able to sneer and walk at the same time.

10. If there is a movie about teen pregnancy, within 6 months every movie on the marquee will be about teen pregnancy. This rule can also be applied to pre-teen witchcraft and historical events.

So, the next time you feel the need to go see a movie, just read this list and save yourself 30 bucks.

Take Care,
Babs

Nature, Uncensored.

2008-02-20T20:19:00.002-06:00

I can't come up with a damn thing to write about, so here's a video for you to watch until my brain decides to start functioning again.

Take Care,
Babs

Just Title it Whatever You Want

2008-02-14T23:04:00.000-06:00

In case my last 50 or so posts weren't weird enough for you, I've got some more weird! I loves me some weird.

The first freaky item was sent to me by the ever alert to odd religious stuff, Kathleen.

You can turn Jesus on and off all day long. Just remember though, if Jesus has a painful erection lasting more than 4 hours, be sure and call a doctor. And why the hell is Jesus pushing the kids towards the light switch? Stay away from the light, kids. STAY AWAY FROM THE LIGHT!

Since the Jesus light switch is so awesome, I thought a Virgin Mary light switch was in order.

From saggy to perky with a single flip. You want to touch the virgin boobies, don't you?

The next display of pure freakishness is a book cover I found over at Sammy Gipp's site. Sammy is a preacher man who writes books once in awhile, but he spends most of his time doing battle with the forces of evil. He's kinda like Luke Skywalker, but he's probably a much better actor than Mark Hamill. Not that being a better actor than Mark Hamill is any kind of accomplishment.

So, here's the book cover.

Holy fucking flapjacks!

First, For His Pleasure should never be the title of a book unless it's an instruction manual on the fine art of fellatio. The only other time the phrase "for his pleasure" should be used is in a condom advertisement. Thin for his pleasure, motorized for hers.

Second, if you're going to be a complete bag o' douche and title your book For His Pleasure NEVER EVER EVER put a man and a boy on the front cover, you sick, sick fuck.

Third, If you have already strapped on the stupid and ignored the first two rules, I wash my hands of you, and you might as well have the man and boy playing with a goddamn erector set. Who knows? Maybe they're building a tower to god.

Didn't Sammy once stop to think that maybe just maybe this was, I dunno, a tad pervy?

Take Care,
Babs

A Valentine Video

2008-02-14T00:31:00.001-06:00

Here is my Valentine's Day gift for all of you.

Happy Fucking Valentine's Day!

Hugs and Kisses,
Babs

Happy Darwin Day

2008-02-12T08:01:00.001-06:00

In honor of Darwin's Birthday, I thought I'd share a sampling of the brilliant statements I found over at FSTDT made by those crazy born again people on the topic of evolution. Of course, I've had to comment on their comments. I sincerely hope that you can determine which are mine.

….you cannot evolve outside your class. Example: plant kingdom, animal kingdom, people kingdom.....

Bwahahaha! We humans have finally conquered and annihilated the dreaded mineral kingdom. Now we will rule the world!

Humans are MAMMALS...not animals. There is a big difference between the two words

I am not an animal!!! I am a human being!!! I wish you guys could have heard that, because it was one suhweet impression of the elephant man.

A poll conducted last year showed that two-thirds of Americans believe in creationism, or the theory that God created humans at a single point in time,
while 53 percent believe that humans developed over millions of years from less advanced forms of life -- the theory of evolution

. And the other 168% believe that you flunked 4th grade math.

Evolution is a religious belief. Science theories are very similar to religious beliefs, except they add in crap like hydrogen, oxygen etc.

If religion would add in helium, I might convert. It would definitely make the sermons more entertaining.

The really funny thing is that Charles Darwin recanted his evolution theory very late in life.

Yeah, but the really, really funny thing is that you're a moron. And the really, really, super funny thing is my joke about the polar bear. But I'm not going to share it with you.

I know better than to waste my time with "scientists." In my opinion, evolution teaches a monkey gave birth to the first human, and if this is how you justify its denial, have a good day.

In my opinion, I think whoever is turning on the computer for you should stop. If Darwin was alive, I would encourage him to beat you over the head with a sock monkey. Have a good day.

This is a question to all evolutionists: Do you believe that you evolved from a rock? I give you all the time you need. Trillions of years, even more, take all you want.

I've never thought that anyone evolved from a rock, but you are making me rethink my position.

People want to believe evolution because there are NO rules to evolution.

Do you know what this means? If you accept the theory of evolution, you can cheat at Scrabble!

Take Care,
Babs

Awwww Crap!

2008-02-07T23:06:00.000-06:00

Thanks to the lovely Carla for sending me this one.

The times when you only saw one set of footprints in the snow...that was when I carried you.

I don't know how in the hell the reporter ever read the ransom note without laughing. I think the Daily Show should definitely look into recruiting him. I give Jean two enthusiastic thumbs up for her "graspy voice" line, and for her dramatic ending..."It wasn't. It wasn't."

The good news is, Jesus is back! It turns out that her neighbors weren't the Jesus thieves after all. One of Jean's family members is the culprit, but Jean refuses to go into any details about it.

I'll bet she's sorry now that she put all those bags of flaming, wiener poopie on her neighbor's porches.

Take Care,
Babs

Pimpin' the Podcast

2008-02-06T21:54:00.000-06:00

Recently, I was asked to join a podcast and I accepted. We're a group of heathens that are going to talk about whatever tickles our fancy. I think I can speak for the group when I say that we all love having our fancies tickled. Hopefully, we'll tickle yours, too.

So, you should check it out. You should also recommend it to: your friends, family, hairdresser, mailman, doctor, witch doctor, dentist, massage therapist, grocery clerk, waitress, waiter, favorite prostitute/gigolo, delivery person, banker, attorney, psychiatrist, weight trainer, mortician, accountant, baker, dry cleaning clerk, park ranger and librarian. Tell people you know, people you don't know, people you want to know and people you might want to know, but aren't really sure about, yet.

I'll shut up now and just give you the link to the podcast. Another Goddamned Podcast.

If you haven't already checked out the other podcasting heathens' blogs, you should. They've all received the Flumadiddle Seal of Approval.

Take Care,
Babs

Wait a Minute Mr. Postman

2008-02-04T19:32:00.000-06:00

Flipping through my mail the other day, I came to a screeching halt when I came to an envelope with the following on the front of it, "This very old church loans this to you, to bless someone connected with this home. Then, it must go to another family that desires God's blessings. See letter inside..." Of course, my interest was instantly piqued, and all the other mail hit the floor. Bills can wait, but a letter addressed to "Resident" with some sort of mystery loan from an old church is muy importante.

So I ripped open the envelope and I found my "loan" inside. It was a magical, super duper, prayer rug. A magical, super duper, prayer rug made out of paper! With a purple Jesus on it! See for yourself.

Isn't this the most awesome paper Jesus rug you've ever seen? I tried flying on it, but it didn't work. Either it's not really that magical, or Jesus didn't like me sitting on his face. Anyway, at the bottom of the rug it has these instructions, "Look into Jesus' eyes you will see they are closed. But as you continue to look you will see His eyes opening and looking back into your eyes."

I was skeptical at first, but after I started staring at Jesus, I'll be damned if he didn't start staring back at me. In fact, we had a stare-down, but I won. I have to confess that I cheated, though by poking him in the eye. He wouldn't quit looking at me!!

After I spanked Jesus in the staring contest, I was supposed to kneel on my Rug of Faith or just touch it to both knees. Then I was to "check my prayer needs" on the letter, and then return the letter and the rug. Huh? Return? What the fuck, people? You can't send me something as groovy as my magical rug and then expect me to give it back. I'm keeping it. I'm going to use it as a placemat, but only for special occasions.

I am, however, sending back the letter with "my prayer needs" checked. I had to fill in my own needs, because I didn't need any of the needs they had listed. Need I say more? Of course, I do. Here's what I'm sending:

Since you don't have my need listed, I thought it would be A-OK if I just wrote my own. I'm sure being good, Christian people from a 57 year old church, you won't mind. I need for Gary Cooper to show up at my door. I would ask for Johnny Depp, but I don't think even Jesus could pull off that one. However, since Jesus has practice at raising people from the dead, I figure Gary Cooper should be pretty easy. I also need Gary to be dressed up like a million dollar trouper, trying hard to look like..um..himself. He should be riding a giant, feral cat, and be carrying a basket filled with: 13 walnuts, 3.2 ounces of transmission fluid, a tube sock with a purple stripe, a red pageboy wig, a clown nose, the June 1941 edition of National Geographic, a 15 amp fuse, a pair of wire cutters and the Holy Spirit trapped inside a mayonnaise jar. I can't wait until Jesus answers my prayer!

There was also a prophecy written just for me. It was even sealed, and had this warning written on the outside, "If for any reason you are not going return this Church Prayer Rug, then this sacred prophecy must be destroyed, unopened and unread, because this is a sacred, spiritual prophecy, sealed word, concerning you and your future."

Yo, Church People. I am not giving back the rug. If you wanted the damn thing so bad, you should have never sent it to me.

But I still wanted to know what my sacred prophecy was. So, I threw caution to the wind, tilted my head ever so slightly upwards, laughed maniacally, and opened my sacred prophecy. I have to say that when I read it, I was severely disappointed. Here's kind of how it went...."My Child, blah blah blah²." It was something about me needing to set new goals in my life, and change was coming, and hey this prophecy totally sucks ass, doesn't it?

I thought when I opened the letter and saw that it was written to, "Dear...Someone Connected with This Address", it was going to be something really special just for me.

Oh well, at least I have my purple Jesus placemat.

Freaky side note: The ever adorable Kathleen left a comment that she had a letter to send to me. Oddly enough, it was this same exact prayer rug letter. I think someone's watching us.

Take Care,
Babs

Forecast Faceoff

2008-01-31T00:54:00.000-06:00

It's supposed to snow here today. We can expect anything from a coating to 10 inches, depending on which forecast you read. So, I'm going to post the forecasts and see who comes the closest to being right. These forecasts are from 12:40 am.

Feel free to make bets, if you so desire.

Weather Channel - A wintry mix in the morning will transition to mainly snow in the afternoon. Cold. Temps nearly steady in the low to mid 30s. ESE winds shifting to N at 10 to 20 mph. Chance of precip 70%. Snow accumulating 1 to 3 inches.

Accuweather - High: 36°F RealFeel®: 27°F Breezy and colder with rain mixing with, then changing to snow, accumulating a coating to an inch

NOAA- SNOWFALL ACCUMULATIONS OF 4 TO 6 INCHES WILL BE COMMON NORTH OF INTERSTATE 40. A BAND OF 8 TO 10 INCH AMOUNTS APPEARS LIKELY WITHIN THIS AREA...THE MOST LIKELY LOCATION FOR THE HEAVIEST SNOW AT THIS TIME APPEARS TO BE NEAR A PAWNEE TO TULSA TO FAYETTEVILLE LINE.

Weather Underground – Cheated and copied from NOAA.

Intellicast - A wintry mix in the morning will transition to mainly snow in the afternoon. Cold. Temps nearly steady in the low to mid 30s. ESE winds shifting to N at 10 to 20 mph. Chance of precip 70%. Snow accumulating 1 to 2 inches.

The NOAA forecast is actually the most entertaining to read. They're so dramatic about our possible 4-10 inches of snow, and they use ALL CAPS and everything. They warn that with the wind, we could be facing snow drifts of 2 - 3 feet! Jesus Tap Dancing Christ! If you live in northeast Oklahoma or northwest Arkansas do NOT go outside tomorrow, or you will get stuck in a massive snowdrift and you will die.

NOAA is also warning that this avalanche of wintry precipitation from the sky could break tree limbs, and they could take out power lines. I'm sure after that happens, the looting and rioting are sure to ensue. I'd hate to think of the pandemonium should we ever get a blizzard.

The really amusing thing is that on Friday, the high is supposed to be 40º, then 53º for Saturday and 58º for Sunday. Which means we could possibly have snow on the ground for up to 48 hours. I don't know how we'll make it through this disaster.

UPDATE: 12:10 PM CST - This morning I braved the elements and drove to the store. There was snow on my car. Roughly 1/25 of an inch. The roads were WET. I don't know how I survived. The roads are still wet. There is nothing falling from the sky. I still have electricity. No one has died in a snow drift. But, all of the area schools have been closed. I'm not making that up, either. They closed school with absolutely no snow on the ground. Amazing.

UPDATE: 1:53 PM CST - There is something falling from the sky. It appears that it may be snow. Roads are still VERY WET! Still no drifts. Still have electricity. The suspense is killing me.

FINAL UPDATE: 12:38 AM CST - We had snow accumulation of almost one inch. No one died in a snow drift. I never lost power. It's over. Accuweather was actually accurate. Who knew?

Take Care,
Babs

More Stinky Penis

2008-01-28T09:07:00.001-06:00

Little did I know when I wrote my post on NodorO™ I would receive so many searches concerning men and their fishy cockenballs. I seriously had no idea it was so problematic for men. At first I was only going to write out the searches for you to enjoy, but then I thought a video might be fun. Everybody loves videos! Then the highly disturbed chick that lives in my head took over, and the result is this video.

I just hope people aren't going to start calling me the Fishy Penis Lady.

Please note - Due to having to compress the video because YouTube smells like anus, there is a glitch or two and I sound like Sylvester. The cat, not Stallone.

Take Care,
Babs

You Say PoTAYto, I say Jesus!

2008-01-23T17:18:00.000-06:00

Jesus is back, and this time he's in a rotten spot in a potato. Pastor Renee Brewster and her husband, Bishop Winston Brewster, are the proud owners of the Jesus spud. Hold the phone. A pastor and a bishop? I wonder if they're like the Wonder Twins and can take the form of water or an animal. Wonder Twin powers activate...form of a baptismal...shape of a dove.

I seriously have this weird Super Friends thing going on this week. I think it's some kind of sign. I'm just not sure what, yet.

Anywho, Renee discovered the Jesus potato while she was making potato salad for their weekly rescue mission. She was hesitant about making the salad because she didn't feel like hers was as good as Sister Frankie's. I can't say that I blame her. For one thing, the homeless are extremely picky about their potato salad, and would probably riot if she put too much celery seed in it. Until you've seen a group of hungry, homeless people in a rage over potato salad, then you, my friend, have never seen true carnage. The other thing is, and I hate to break it to Renee, but no one can make potato salad like Sister Frankie. She's the Tater Queen. Ain't nobody what can beat the Tater Queen.

Looking for a way to get out of her potato duty, Renee did what any good christian would do. She prayed. "Lord if it’s not for me to make potato salad then send me a sign.” I know that a lot of you are thinking that when Renee started her prayer with "Lord" she meant the lord mentioned in the bible. But, a friend of a cousin of a co-worker of Renee's neighbor told me that Renee really prays to Jack Lord.

Lord answered her prayer and dispatched Jesus to burrow into one of the potatoes Renee was using. I'm going to let you in on a secret. Jack Lord is in heaven right this very minute, and he is the Chief Jesus Dispatcher. He also always sends Jesus out with an "Aloha, sucker." Jesus hates that.

But, back to the potato.

I'm not sure which one of these is supposed to be the real Jesus potato. It's highly possible that Jesus has his own Wonder Twin. If he does, it would be more like...shape of a nail puller...form of Band-aids. A lot of them. Possibly a tourniquet.

Maybe Renee can help us figure out which is the genuine Flying Jesus Potato. “It’s remarkable. Even when I cut the good part off the cross ended up being shaped like a tomb from long ago.”

Frankly, I don't know what the hell she's talking about. If the real Jesus is the one on the right, the potato is shaped like a stalactite. If the real Jesus is on the left, the potato is shaped like a, well, much like a chunk of potato.

I know the burning question on everyone's mind is if Renee got out of her potato salad duty. No way. Lord told her to shut her cakehole, and make the friggin' salad, already. Renee obeyed, because no one refuses Steve McGarrett. And did the Flying Jesus Potato bring her luck in her salad making endeavor? Here's what Bishop B told Renee, “It was good. It was the best you ever made...it was almost as good as Sister Frankie's". Uh oh. Looks like the Tater Queen better watch out, 'cause there's a new spud slinger in town, and she's got Jesus and Jack Lord watchin' her back. I think there's a Tater Queen Throwdown in the near future.

Bishop B also stated, "When this occurred it gave us this extra motivation that intuition hey we aren't in this alone". Don't ask me what the fuck he's trying to say. I'm just quoting from the article. Maybe someone at Fox 35 needs to throw in a comma once in awhile, or maybe Bishop B has been drinking some of Sister Frankie's "Heavenly Hooch". That Sister Frankie is one talented woman in the kitchen.

Totally stoked from her delusional high, Renee summed up her experience as such, “I just want people to know God is still as real today as he was back then and he can show up anytime he gets ready.” Well, praise the Flying Jesus Potato and pass me some tater salad. Just be careful when you're eating it, or you may find yourself chewing on a big chunk of Jesus. And he's so not tasty.

Many thanks to The Chaplain for alerting me to this tuberrific sighting.

Take Care,
Babs

Chuck 'n Huck

2008-01-21T22:09:00.000-06:00

Chuck Norris wrote an absolutely fascinating article over at the National Ledger. And by fascinating, I mean I laughed so hard I choked. I won't post the entire comedic script here, but I'll point out a few highlights.

Sitting at another full-throttle World Combat League event in San Antonio, Texas, on Friday night, I caught myself momentarily reflecting back upon the previous two days of campaigning with GOP front-runner Mike Huckabee. As the contestants combated in the WCL ring, I thought to myself, "The fight of the century would be Hillary vs. Huckabee in the presidential ring."

Ah, I can't tell you how many times I, too, have been at a World Combat League event and found myself reflecting. One time, I even found myself pondering which led me to almost slip into reminiscing, but I stopped myself in the nick of time. By the way, your thoughts scare me. Inside your head is a big, empty, dark, scary place to be. Much like I imagine Condoleezza Rice's vagina to be. Not that I spend much time thinking about her cooch, but on those rare occasions when I do, I can't stop myself from comparing it to your head.

I've trained fighters for nearly four decades now. I was a six-time world champion. I pretty much know what it takes to create a winner. And I believe there is a similarity between making winners in the fighting ring and the presidential one: Only the strong survive.

And only the good die young, and only the lonely know why I cry. However, god only knows what I'd be without you, because only you and you alone can thrill me like you do. Six time world champion? Well, sweet Jesus on an eggbeater. With credentials like that, how could I resist your order to vote for Mike? Oh, I know. Because I will never, ever vote for Mike Huckabee unless it's for something like, "Most Delusional Politician of the Year."

Right now the Clinton machine (which Huckabee calls "the sausage grinder") is planning how to slice and dice each of the GOP candidates if they win the nomination.

Forget those other grinders. The Clinton Machine not only grinds, but with the easy to use attachments, it also slices, dices, quarters, chops, minces, grates and juices. Why bother with cumbersome knives, grinders and graters? Don't clutter your counters with countless implements. The Clinton Machine does it all. Order now and we'll also send you the Clinton Machine Chia Pet absolutely free!

The only resource Clinton has that could combat Mike is more money, and in this ring, we all know the muscle in that fist. But we can prevent that, and we must do it by financially joining Mike's army before it's too late.

The muscle in that fist? Are you trying to talk dirty to me, Chuck? How much muscle are you holding in your big, hairy-knuckled, man fist? Oh, do you mean the collective Clinton Machine fist? I guess I'm going to have to change my advertisement to include that the Clinton Machine also punches. Which could come in handy just in case you're suddenly attacked by Chuck Norris while grinding your sausage.

Keep Hope alive! Join my wife Gena and me in electing Mike Huckabee!

Well, slap my ass and call me Spanky! Chuck's married? I would have never thought that someone would marry that. I wonder if his wife has to wear a rain coat all the time to keep from being doused by all that Chucktosterone. I think in order to really convince people to vote for Huckabee, Chuck should have written, "Join my wife Gena and me in electing Mike Huckabee, or I'll beat you into a bloody pulp and leave your carcass to be consumed by maggots. Walker, Texas Ranger RULES!"

Take Care,
Babs

Meanwhile, I rambled.

2008-01-18T07:30:00.000-06:00

Meanwhile, Back at the Hall of Justice

When I was little I wanted to be Wonder Woman. Not the live-action Linda Carter Wonder Woman, but the cartoon Super Friends Wonder Woman. I loved her hair, her boots, her bullet-deflecting bracelets, and even her star-spangled corset-teddy-slut suit thing. I'll bet it was really a bodysuit - one with snaps at the crotch. Did anyone else ever have to wear those? I don't know what kind of sadist invented them, but they were one sick individual. Bodysuits were especially horrible when you outgrew one, but still tried to wear it anyway. Because once you were to big for the thing and tried to snap it, as soon as you straightened back up it suddenly unsnapped, and you had a crotch snaps flying at your face at about 200 mph. I'm sure there was more than one person back in the 70s who suffered facial trauma from a flying bodysuit snap.

Anyway, back to Wonder Woman. Even though I wanted to be her more than anything in the whole wide world, I thought her invisible plane sucked big, green monkey nuts. You know why? Because while the plane was invisible, Wonder Woman was not. I hated that, and I'll bet I wasn't the only kid on Saturday morning sitting there thinking that Wonder Woman was a complete twat if she thought that no one could see her because she was flying an invisible plane. We could totally see you, Wonder Woman. Right through your stupid invisible plane.

Meanwhile, Back at the Church of Fucking

You guys remember Earl? The preacher at the Cathedral of the Holy Spirit at Chapel Hill Harvester Church whose nephew was also his son? You know, the one that didn't fuck a camel.

Well, Earl still hasn't fornicated with a camel, but dammit all I wish he would.

Earl did, however, plead guilty to lying his holy ass off under oath about ever putting his peepee into any woman other than his wife. The paternity test that proved he was his nephew's daddy kind of gave him away. I'm thinkin' Earl's pretty pissed that his god ever invented that damn DNA shit. Due to Earl being a douche bag, and not only sleeping with his brother's wife, but then lying about it, he was fined $1000 and is on probation for 10 years.

I'll bet he wouldn't get more than 10 years probation for boinking a camel. So, whatta ya say Earl? Take one for the team. Give me something good to write about, because when I have to resort to writing about Wonder Woman and you not fucking a camel, Earl, I obviously don't have any decent fodder.

Meanwhile, Back at Church Sign O' the Week

Finally! It's been so long since I've had a good church sign. I think Church Sign Guy has been cheating on me with some other atheist chick. But, it's okay, because this week's sign more than makes up for his philandering ways.

Oh, Church Thign Guy. You're tho clever! At your church, can you get your boobth growed, and your nothe thrinked? Maybe even have your penith pumped or have implanth thtuck in your ath? You rock my world, Church Thign Guy. Theriously.

Take Care,
Babth

Tag Me, I'm Quirky!

2008-01-13T18:23:00.000-06:00

I'm the recipient of another tagging, thanks to the ever adorable Heather.

Here are the rules of this particular tag.

-Link to the person that tagged you.

- Post the rules on your blog.

- Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.

- Tag six people and at the end of your post, link to their blogs.

- Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

First the jingle. Habits and quirks, habits and quirks, our habits and quirks drive people berserks. And now on to: "Freaky things you wanted to know about Babs, but were afraid to ask."

1. I have to rub my belly 3 times before I go to sleep. I think this goes back to when I was little, I would always ask my older sisters to rub my belly to help me get to sleep. Either that, or I think I'm Buddha, and I'm rubbing it for good luck. Not that my belly is Buddhaesque, his is just the first good luck belly that popped in my head.

2. Whenever I'm at a restaurant, I watch couples and try to decide if it's their first date, if they've been dating for awhile, or if they're married. First dates are always the best ones, because there's a greater chance that due to nervousness, somebody's going to knock over a drink. Or laugh and squirt pop out their nose. Or even fart, burp or queef. You have to admit, some chick queefing on the first date at a restaurant would be pretty damn funny. And, I'm sure, given time, she'd see the humor in it, too.

3. I always start my way from the back of a magazine and work my way to the front. Same way with crossword puzzles. I always start with the challenger puzzles and work my way to the easy ones.

4. When I get really stressed, I rub either the left side of my forehead or the left side of my neck. Sometimes I do this so much, I get a rash from it. Like diaper rash only on my head.

5. I don't do this as much as I used to, but sometimes when people are talking I find myself "typing" their conversation. It's not like I hold my hands out in front of me and type on my imaginary keyboard. But, I'll type against my legs. Jesus Christ, that's just weird, and there's no telling what kind of condition people think I have when they notice me typing on my legs.

6. I think I've written about this before, but I always have to get the third newspaper in the stack. I have no idea why. I don't grab the third magazine from the stand, but now that I think about it, if the magazines were stacked, I'd grab the third one. What's the deal with me and the number 3?

So, there you have it. It took me way too many days to come up with such a lame list, so I'm going to tag 6 people who can come up with a less lame list than I did.

Take Care,
Babs the Third.

To All the Men I've Loved Before

2008-01-06T20:10:00.000-06:00

Do any of you men suffer from MGO? You know, M.G.O. It's code for Male Genital Odors. I had never heard of MGO until I found a product that promises to have your malodorous manhood smelling minty fresh in no time. Well, praise Jesus and pass down a tube of NodorO™! Of course, if your junk really is rank, I suppose it's no laughing matter, but the NodorO™ website most definitely is.

Here are some excerpts that I've delicately plucked from the website, and it's a lot of fun if you imagine Julia Child is reading them to you. I know she's dead, but that doesn't mean you still can't imagine her voice, does it? Her voice is just the one that popped into my head when I started reading these. I'm sure there's some freaky psychological reason for it.

Why the hell am I trying to explain myself? On with the fetid wiener stuff. Oh, one more thing, you can imagine my writing being read to you by whomever you so desire. Now, seriously on with the fetid wiener stuff.

Have you ever asked yourself? "Why is it that no matter how much time and effort I put into washing my penis in the shower, I still get that awful whiff of a rancid smell throughout the day, or even right after a shower?"

Oh so that's what we're calling it? Washing my penis in the shower? That is one lame euphemism for masturbating. However, if you really are washing your hoodihang, and you're putting a lot of effort into it that may be why you're in a state of reekness down south. You're probably getting chaffed from all the vigorous washing, and now your nut cannon is infected. Way to go, you dick scrubbing moron.

Let's be honest, unpleasant smells are a turn off for anyone, and the last thing you want is for a fishy smell to be coming from your own penis.

Does this mean you wouldn't mind a fishy smell coming from one of your buddy's penises? I'm sorry, I've been with ~~a few~~ an undisclosed number of men in my life, and I've never encountered any fishy smell. Or a rancid smell. Or anything so terribly awful that I thought that the man needed medication because he had a bad case of the dick funk. Maybe I've led a sheltered life and haven't been exposed to such horrors. If that's the case, then I'm eternally grateful for whatever circumstances allowed that to happen.

Take charge of your hygiene, improve your confidence, and get NodorO™ today. You too, will soon be able to say: "I SMELL PERFECT!".

Not to nitpick, but I think you will soon be able to say, "MY DICK SMELLS PERFECT!" (I can only imagine what kind of people that's gonna bring to my blog.)

NodorO™ targets the micro-fungi called tinea corporis that may be causing your MGO.

Other, less serious side effects may be more likely to occur. These include burning, itching, irritation of the skin, and an increased need to urinate.

NodorO™ SHOULD NEVER BE INGESTED UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.

I think they're serious about that last one. So, even if you're at the movies and you're super hungry, but you're all engrossed in the flick and don't want to leave your seat and all you have is your tube of NodorO™, DO NOT EAT IT. Just pick up some popcorn from the floor to hold you over. I also think "SHOULD NEVER BE INGESTED" means no hummers while you're medicating your member. Not even as a joke, because the hummer giver will not think it's funny. Not even a little bit.

Also, just to be a total geek, I have to point out that tinea corporis is the fungus commonly referred to as ringworm, which can be cured by any anti-fungal medication. When it's on your nether regions, it's referred to as tinea cruris, which is a fancy name for jock itch. Which oddly enough causes burning, itching and irritation of the skin - exactly the side effects of this amazing product. It's like getting two cases of jock itch for the price of one! Score!

Finally, should you order NodorO™ and find it's just not getting rid of your stinkystank, there's a money-back guarantee. All you have to do is follow these 2 easy steps:

#1. Complete the "RETURN FORM"

#2. Return the packing slip, along with the original box and the remaining of the product WITHIN 30 DAYS of the purchase date.

Uh. Seriously? You want the unused product back? Do you mix it back in with the other batches? How the hell do you know that some guy didn't just squirt the stuff onto Mr. Dinky STRAIGHT FROM THE TUBE? What if the tube touched his STINKY YOU KNOW WHAT? And you want that back? That's just way nasty, NodorO™ people.

But remember boys,
if you use NodorO™...

Take Care,
Babs -who thinks it's high time the men had to share in all the "fishy smell" jokes.

That Jesus' Mama Sho Gets Around

2008-01-06T12:13:00.000-06:00

Need a virgin or two to add to your collection? Well, you're in luck because I know where you can find them.

Virgin Sighting 1

The Virgin of Guadalupe, or Our Lady of Guadalupe, is also known as La Virgen Morena which translates to, "the brown-skinned virgin". So the VOG is an apparition of the alpha virgin, but with a better tan. Whatever you call her, this virgin has made another showing, and it's in a tree. Here are some photos for comparison. I know I probably shouldn't give this away, but the one on the left is the tree.

As an added bonus, if you click on the link to the story, you can vote on whether or not you think this tree really looks like the VOG. At this posting, out of 1,142 votes, 78% of the readers voted no. The other 22% are bat-shit crazy and probably hear Jesus talk to them. A lot. Or they have severe cataracts.

I think the tree looks more like a really sad bear, and he's sad because someone bit off his right ear, which means I'm probably slightly bat-shit crazy.

Virgin Sighting 2

The Quintana family of New Mexico is all atwitter because of the image that appeared on their wall. It was the alpha virgin again! This time her appearance was caused because the patriarch of this all atwitter family was trying to put a special texture on the wall, and the spray bottle he was using kept breaking and he couldn't get the texture wiped off fast enough. The screwed up texture dried and tada! The Virgin Mary. It's that easy!

The photo on the left is the one that Channel 8 doctored to make the "virgin" more apparent. But if you grab another photo from the video, you can see what Texture Mary really looks like.

I've done my own doctoring on the Texture Mary shot and I think she'd better be careful, because somebody's sneaking up behind her. And that somebody is none other than Satan. How come there aren't ever any news reports about a Satan sighting?

I think having the devil show up on your wall is way more newsworthy than Mary.

By the way, if you look in a mirror and say, "Texture Mary, Texture Mary, Texture Mary" she will totally show up in the mirror.

Kudos to Shedevil and Heather for dredging out these sightings.

Take Care,
Babs

The Trinity

2008-01-04T17:31:00.000-06:00

I've been tagged by the ever brilliant Chaplain ,and here are the rules of this particular meme. I have to select three members of my blogroll that are a unique combination. I can write a tome of their uniqueness, or I can be succinct. I have to promise to play nicely. And then I have to tag 3 other people.

Well, I don't know how I could ever possibly pick just 3 blogs from the blogroll I have on here. I think everyone's blog is unique simply because we're all different people, writing in different ways. But, I have a super secret blogroll. Well, not really secret, I just haven't taken the time to update my list on here. So, I've decided to pick 3 from my super secret blogroll, because I think these may be some blogs that you haven't encountered before. I've never commented on any of these blogs. I'm just a lurker, but I still enjoy them.

What is it? Here is the description the blog author gives, "I've been collecting unusual objects for quite a few years and have just recently started posting them on this site as puzzles for visitors to figure out what they are." Just for the record, I rarely can identify what the objects are. But since I love odd things, I love this blog. I also want all of the objects posted on it.
Shorpy: The 100 Year-Old Photo Blog I adore old photos. ADORE them, and this blog is all about them.
Faces in Places Photos of objects that resemble faces. And these don't even claim to be Jesus faces or Mary faces. Just faces.

I tag anyone on my not-secret blogroll who hasn't already been tagged with this meme.

Take Care,
Babsadoodle

Whatever Pops Into My Head

2008-01-03T17:54:00.000-06:00

Hi! It's me again. It's been over a week since I've posted and you wanna know why? It's because I was off work from the 22nd through the 1st, and I had a strange phenomenon happen to me. My brain quit working. Not totally. I wasn't sitting on the floor slobbering or anything, but I was pretty darn close. I realized how relaxing it was not to be at work and not have to really think about anything and answer 40 million questions a day, and then my brain figured out that was some good shit and decided to take a little break. Break time's over. Now on to some burning questions from the comment section. Well, maybe not really burning. Maybe just smoldering.

What are Flower Frogs?

These are flower frogs. --------->

You set them in the bottom of a vase, and then you poke the flower stems in the holes and they hold your arrangement in place. Except for the spiky ones. You just jab your flowers into the spikes. They also make good weapons.

Along with flower frogs, I also like bird cages, which brings me to...

Clarence the Faux Crow.

When I first got Clarence he was sleek and bright eyed and sat perched on my inspiration board over my art table. He would sit there and watch me make weird stuff. After a few years, Clarence started looking a little ruffled, and not so healthy. When I moved into my apartment, I wired him to a set of shelves and he stood guard over the kitchen. One day I moved him to dust underneath him and his wing fell off. Then a week or so later his other wing fell off. I tried pushing them back in, but they kept falling off, and his wire wouldn't hold him to the shelf anymore. So, I just laid Clarence down on his back and didn't pay much attention to him until Thomas walked by one day and said, "Nice dead bird, you got there."

That statement stewed in my warped mind for awhile, and I decided that if Clarence was going to be dead, he was going to be properly dead. So I glued his wings back in, glued him upside down to a perch in one of my bird cages, then built him a shrine. Weird? Of course, but it makes me laugh. I don't know how long I'll keep it up. I guess until it doesn't make me laugh anymore. Creepy? Heck yeah. Which is the exact reason it makes me laugh. So, without further ado. Here is the Shrine to Clarence the Faux Crow.

Even now, looking at the picture it makes me laugh, so Clarence may hang around for a bit longer. I figure he's a good way to keep company from staying too long. Especially if I twitch a lot every time someone looks at him.

Video Killed the Radio Star

It makes me way happy that you guys enjoy my videos, and I promise there will be more coming as soon as my brain is back up to speed (which shouldn't take too long). And, the really fun part is, I bought a camcorder! I haven't even started to think of all the possibilities.

Jesus' Mamaroni

Thanks to the lovely Shedevil and Heather, I have two new virgin mama sightings, so I'll be posting about them maybe tomorrow. Depends on the brain.

But until then....

Take Care,

Babs - who hopes that every single one of you had a wonderful holiday time. Yes, even you. And you know who you are.

Jesus Got Some Mad Skillz

2007-12-26T12:16:00.000-06:00

The ever lovely Carla has discovered an amazing website. Eric Dyson is the founder of Fishermen, which is the result of an epiphany. As in a god talking to him epiphany. In secular realms this is known as schizophrenia, but if you're a Christian who hears voices, those silly medical terms don't apply to you. While Eric was in his delusional state he heard god tell him, "I am always with you", but Eric's god didn't stop there. He also sent Eric an image of Jesus on a motorcycle. I am so with Eric on this one. I can't tell you how many times I've received the image of JC on a Harley. I'll just be out driving or shopping or even watching tv and all of a sudden, BAM! Jesus on a motorcycle. But unlike myself, Eric has actually done something with his vision. He designed a figurine of the J-Man on a bike. Have a look-see for yourself.

I think this is so completely wicked awesome. I'll bet that bad boy's got a lot of rev. Wind 'er up, J Dawg. Isn't it cute how the robe flowing out behind him makes him look like he just hatched from a clam shell? Wait. That would make Jesus a bearded clam, and that's just too nasty even for me, so I won't say anything about that. But the golden crown of thorns? Exquisite. And by exquisite I mean, what the fuck? Does Jesus really want to be reminded of how much those thorns hurt? Why don't you just have a spear impaling his side? Which makes me wonder if the handlebars and foot pegs have spikes on them that poke into Jesus' piercings so he won't fall off the bike.

Eric then decided that since Motorcycle Jesus was so darn dandy, he went on to design...

Falling Off the Side of a Cliff Jesus. Or maybe it's a poorly designed tree, or maybe that crazy Jesus is try to climb a cross. Either way, I am so digggin' the form-fitting outfit he's sporting. By the way, Jesus, is that a carabiner in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

How about War and Peace Jesus? Poor Jesus is all befuddled. He's not sure whether he wants to go kick some ass Rambo style, attend a death metal concert, or bring peace and goodwill to the world. I say do all three. After all, you're Jesus. You can totally pull it off. I think by the look on his face, the dove just made a little doodie in Jesus' hand. And it has to hurt like hell when he puts the combat helmet on over the crown of thorns. I'm just not sure Eric really thinks through his designs with Jesus' comfort in mind.

If cowboys make you shout, "Yeehaw!", then Yeehaw Jesus is perfect for you. I simply adore Jesus in chaps. The way they accentuate his very ample belt buckle is such a turn-on. But the shirt is a definite turn-off. Like way, way off. It just doesn't have enough sparkle to keep up with the crown.

Who can resist Homeless Jesus? I know I can't. But I'm not sure how much sympathy Jesus is going to garner from people while he's got that big ol' crown made of GOLD on his head. Sell that puppy on eBay, Jesus. You'll have all kinds of rappers and hoochie mamas bidding on that fine piece o' bling. Then you'll have oodles of money and you'll be able to buy a hand-painted, wooden sign, or even a custom-designed neon sign. Now that for sure would get you a food-paying job.

And finally, we have Shark Bait Jesus. The J-Man is ridin' the tube, but see how he's holding the wave back with his hand? That's cheating, Jesus. Just because you have magical powers and can hold back water with your hand, doesn't mean you should. Besides, you can already walk on water, surfing shouldn't be any kind of challenge for you, so let go of the board already and stand up like real surfer. I just don't think the other surfers aren't going to want to hang with you, brah.

Take Care,
Babs

Happy Holidays!

2007-12-24T14:26:00.002-06:00

I decided to steal from last year's Christmas post to make this video. Just think, next year I might advance to live actors or something.

I sincerely wish each of your a very merry December 25th. In whatever way you celebrate it, I hope you are surrounded by love.

And now for what might possibly be the most disjointed video ever.

Take Care,
Babs

Pigs and the Number Seven

2007-12-21T16:37:00.002-06:00

The Baby Jesus says "Oink Oink"

The oh, so lovely Carla sent me a link to a story about a Baby Jesus theft, but this one is just freaky. Vandals in Eugene, Oregon took two Baby Jesi from nativity scenes and left two severed pig heads in their place. Pig heads? This story leaves me asking so many questions.

Where did these people get the heads? Did they buy them at the Pork Head Emporium or did they cut them off the pigs themselves?
Were the pig heads pickled? I mean, a lot of other pig parts are pickled, so I'm thinking maybe some people enjoy the entire head pickled.
Why a pig's head? Are they saying that the Baby Jesus is a pig, or that Christianity as a religion is a pig?
Where are the pigs' bodies?

That last question holds the answer as to who the vandals are. Just look for the family having a luau for Christmas.

I've Been Tagged

The Lifeguard has tagged me with a meme that dictates that I must state seven unknown or unusual facts about myself. Okay, you asked for it.

I have to sleep with a fan on. Doesn't matter the season, I have to have the noise.
I won an award in Kindergarten for bible verse memorization. It just went downhill from there.
I like the middle brownie. If I do get stuck with one of the outside brownies, I'll cut off the crusty part.
When I was little, I thought that clouds came from smokestacks. When I learned how clouds are really formed, I was extremely disappointed.
I can write my name with both hands simultaneously in mirror image. I'm sure one day that will help me escape from a life-threatening situation.
I collect wooden boxes and old flower frogs.
I created a shrine in my living room to honor a fake, dead crow. His name is Clarence.

Keeping in the spirit of Christmas, I am tagging Santa Claus, an elf - any elf will do, and the Grinch.

Take Care,
Babs

An Even Bigger Update

2007-12-20T20:00:00.001-06:00

I know you'll find this hard to believe considering what the count was yesterday, but I swear to Baby Jesus it's the truth.

Courtesy of someone in Santa Clarita going on a Baby J stealing spree and committing twelve acts of Lordnapping, plus a few other random thieves making off with a Jesus or two, we are now up to...

I think that anyone who would dare to snatch any Baby Jesus from his cozy nest of straw is a degenerate who is going straight to h-e-double hockey sticks, but I was inspired by their deviltry. These miscreants have spurred me to create something beautiful from the ashes of their dastardly deeds. I'd like to share with you my vision of the Baby Jesusmobile.

I personally think the Baby Jesusmobile just totally spanked the Popemobile.

Take Care,
Babs

Thievery Update

2007-12-19T22:37:00.001-06:00

We are now up to....

If I've calculated correctly, that should cover one side of the Baby Jesusmobile.

I Think I'm About to UpHuck My Dinner

2007-12-18T17:56:00.000-06:00

Who thinks Mikey's slimy? I do! I do! How come every time I see him, I regress to 3rd grade and start chanting "Mikey and Jesus sitting in a tree. K-i-s-s-i-n-g."? Oh, that's right. It's because I'm immature, and Huckabee has a big, huge crush on Jesus.

Speaking of delusional, (just pretend I was, okay?) Catholic League president Bill Donahue does not approve of Mikey's choice of advertisements. No sireebob. In fact, he accused Mikey of inserting subliminal messages into the ad. Bill says that he is especially disturbed by the white cross image that is made by light reflecting on the bookshelves behind Mikey's ginormous head. Sure Bill, and you see those three "ornaments" on the shelf? Well, they're really the three wise men, and they're mooning you.

Even though I'm not going to go as far as Bill the Delusional did when critiquing this ad, there are a few issues I have with it.

1. It made me feel really, really icky greasy.

2. I just dig the way Mikey starts off with how everyone must be tired of political commercials and then proceeds with his political commercial. But we're not supposed to figure out that the guy wanting to make it to the White House is trying to trick us with his non-political, political commercial. They don't call you the Huckster for nothin', you sneaky bastard.

3. The multi-colored lights on the tree.

4. The number of times dude blinks. I counted 37 - 41 blinks, but it was hard to count because I didn't want to blink for fear that I'd miss one of his blinks and watching him blink made me want to blink and then my eyes would start watering and I'd try watching with one eye and I'd end up blinking anyway. But, 37 - 41 blinks in 31 seconds is just not normal. If making a commercial stresses him out this much, how the hell does he expect to make it as President? And now I'm very conscious of my blinking. Curse you and your eyelids, Huckabee.

7. Oh yeah, that part about what really matters is the celebration of the birth of Christ. It just sounded so cold and unfeeling. No drama at all. He should have went with something like, "and what really matters is the celebration of the birth of the baby Jesus who popped forth from the womb of a virgin so chaste she didn't even know that boys had different parts than girls "down there". This precious, innocent, extra-virgin baby then grew up and was nailed to a cross, much like the big white one behind my head, to save degenerates like you. I urge you filthy, whoring sinners to accept the Baby Jesus into your heart. If you don't, you'll be burning in Hell for all eternity, and eternity is like infinity plus one thousand million squared." And then he should have giggled and taken a big swig of Jack straight from the bottle.

8. And the last is, "I'm Mike Huckabee and I approved this message." I'm glad you cleared that up, Mikey, 'cause I was worried that it wasn't really you doing the talking. I thought maybe some ventriloquist had their hand up your ass or something.

Take Care.
Babs -who did not approve this message at all. Not even a little bit.

How Lovely Are Thy Branches

2007-12-17T20:02:00.000-06:00

The Christmas tree we had when I was growing up was so bad that I'm not sure there are words to describe it. If you had to pin a style to it, I'd say it was very white trashesque with a healthy dollop of cheap whore. This tree was artificial and enormous. It might possibly have been the largest fake tree ever made in the history of all mankind. Not that I'm really up on the history of artificial trees, I'm just guessing.

The tree was at its best when it was naked, but like the good Christians we were nothing could be naked in our house. Oh no, we had to toss ugly things at this tree, and turn it into The Mother of Fucking Ugly Christmas Trees, or MoFUCT. We had boxes of ugliness just waiting for this moment. The first box of ugly held multi-colored lights, and since we were obviously indecisive about whether or not we even wanted lights on the tree, we put in that one special bulb that made them flash on and off. I can remember sitting in front of this huge blinking tree completely mesmerized by the lights. I think that's the reason some of my brain synapses fail to fire on occasion. I was short-circuited by multi-colored, flashing Christmas tree lights.

Opening the second box of ugly required doing so in the dark so you wouldn't blind yourself, because it held roughly 600 feet of very shiny silver and gold tinsel garland. It was so shiny that whoever opened the box had flash burns on their face for weeks afterwards. On a side note, as much as I hate the look of tinsel garland, I totally dig how it smells, and every time I see it in a store I smell it. After I make sure no one is looking. That's weird, isn't it? And probably something I shouldn't share with everyone, but oh well.

After the tinsel garlands came the many construction paper garlands that I'd made in school. Then, in the fifth grade I was visited by the yarn fairy and she blessed me with the gift of being able to knit on my fingers. I used my newly found magical powers and some multi-colored yarn to make yet another lovely garland for this tree. After all the lights and garlands were on, MoFuct weighed approximately 687 pounds. We had to tether it to cleats on the floor, for fear it would fall on one of us and we would have to suffer the embarrassment of being crushed to death by tacky.

And the final boxes of ugly housed the ornaments. They were bad. The ornaments not the boxes. In fact, we should have just put the boxes on the tree. The ornaments were so bad, that not by any stretch of the imagination could you even describe them as quirky. Here are a few of the more memorable ones:

The bell my brother had made out of a section of a cardboard egg carton. He painted the top half blue and the bottom half was gold. And to make it go way past the point of groovy, he used a paper clip for the hook.

The turkey wishbone that my sister glued tiny gold stars to. As in a bone from a turkey. We had an animal bone on our tree, people! I think we should have just gone all out with the "Hey, we're meat eaters theme" and used a cow skull as a tree topper.

The smiley face thing I made at Kaleidoscope. The face was made of red velveteen paper, and I used melted crayons to make the eyes and mouth. But I couldn't stop there. The aroma of melted crayons obviously made me delusional, because I thought it would be simply smashing if I dabbed yellow and green spots all over the face. Zits? Measles? Chickenpox? I dunno. I was 8 and a Baptist, okay?

The snowflakes and angels I'd made out of styrofoam meat trays. Mmmm. More meat-themed ornaments. Nothing says Christmas like carnivorous decor.

But my favorite ornament was the plastic, glitter-covered nativity scene that had a hole in the back so you could stick one of the lights through it and bathe the baby Jesus in green, red, yellow, or blue light. I always liked the green Baby Jesus best. It made him look like an alien. My very own, green, glowing, alien Baby Jesus.

I'd like to say that decorating the tree at our house was a magical time with carols being played in the background, a fire crackling in the fireplace and everyone's hands wrapped around heavy mugs of hot chocolate while the spirit of Christmas settled on our house, bathing it in a heavenly glow. But my pants would so be on fire, because that would be a big, fat lie. Our decorating time was mostly us kids making fun of the ornaments and each other, shuffling our socked feet across our avocado green, shag carpeting so we could shock ourselves when we touched the tinsel garland, and pretending that there was real rum in the eggnog and we were all drunk and that's why MoFUCT looked like Elvis had decorated it in one of his less lucid moments.

Good times, kids. Good times.

Take Care,
Babs the Tinsel Sniffer

Jesus Loves Poly/Cotton Blends

2007-12-11T19:45:00.001-06:00

Stuck on what to give to that hard-to-buy for person on your shopping list? Well, I have the perfect solution for you. T-shirts! Nobody can have too many t-shirts, and I've found some extra spiffy ones at christianshirts.net. When I was perusing all nine pages of their t-shirts, I noticed that the owner of this website had written some rather impressive descriptions underneath the shirts. So, here are the shirts I thought were the ones that Jesus his own self would pick out.

What T-shirt Person said: Take a stand against the drug culture with Christian clothing. This shirt will be sure to cause people to look twice.

What I say: I think it's super groovy that you're encouraging people to die by stoning. I have another idea for your anti-drug shirts. How about, "Get hammered like..." aw crap, I can't think of one person who's been hammered to death.

What t-shirt person said: Join the fight in the war against Christmas with these in your face Christmas shirts.

What I say: Darn tootin', Skippy. Get in there and fight against Christmas. Hold the phone. Is that really what you meant to say? And I don't know that this shirt really qualifies as "in your face". Now maybe if you'd put, I don't celebrate holiday, I celebrate Christmas, so take that and shove it up your turdhole, you godless, hell-bound, douche bag of an atheist, well, I think that's a bit more in your face.

What t-shirt person said: Tired of being pushed around by the homosexual agenda? Speak the truth against the day of silence with these anti-gay t-shirts. Let's not end up like the UK.

What I say: Oh, those gays and their agenda. I cannot tell you how many times I get stopped on the street by some lesbian who starts humping my leg and then thrusts her "agenda" right in my face. Then I have to go around all day smelling like lesbian agenda, and it's just not very pleasant. God have mercy on our souls if we ever end up like the UK. Every single person over there? Gay. They even have gay babies.

What T-shirt Person said: If you are straight, please come out of the closet against gay marriage. It's part of the slippery slope.

What I say: If you are gay, odds are you would never, ever, ever wear this t-shirt. I'm not sure what slippery slope you're referring to, but it sounds naughty.

What T-shirt Person said: Warning: This Christian shirt is only intended for those whose names are written in the book of life.

What I say: That's right, if you wear this shirt without your name being in the book you will be punished. The Queen of Hearts that's tied up to the carpet tacks on this shirt will come to life, and she will bitch slap you. Hard. Then she'll take the piece of notebook paper and deliver no less than 253 paper cuts to your lying tongue.

Have fun shopping!
Babs

Dueling Deities

2007-12-10T00:03:00.001-06:00

I'm blaming this one on The Exterminator. He made me do it. Or at least made me think about it.

Take Care,
Babs the Blasphemer

Desperately Seeking

2007-12-08T14:37:00.000-06:00

Once again, strange searches that have lured people into the den of Flumadiddle.

Jesus beats up Hercules - Good lucky finding that one, buddy. I've seen Jesus fight, and truth be known, he fights like a sissy.

Banana peel on pimple - Well, that's one way to cover a zit, but you're gonna look kinda stupid walking around with a banana peel on your face.

How to make a fake peg leg - 1. Cut off one of your legs. 2. Cut down a tree. 3. Cut off a branch- one that's roughly leg-sized. 4. Whittle. A lot. 5. Attach newly whittled appendage with screws, nails, or really big staples. I guess you can use duct tape, if you're just going to be a weenie about the whole thing. 6. Plant a new tree to replace the other one you cut down just so you could fulfill your infantile, little pirate fantasy. 7.Enjoy!

Peeing Babs - Well, not at the moment, but thanks for checking.

How nutritious is human poop- Well, it's highly nutritious. It's full of vitamins, and nutrients and corn. But, from what I hear, and this may or may not be factual, but I've heard it doesn't taste very good. In fact, I've heard it tastes like poop.

How to properly hold hands with a guy info for girls - This one can be tricky. First you have to find the guy you want to hold hands with. Then, you have to tackle him. Aim for the back of his knees. Grapple. Grapple more. C'mon, quite fighting like Jesus. When you have him in a headlock, grab one of his hands and hold it. At this point, if you've done everything correctly, the boy will look at you with misty eyes and Leo Sayer will appear out of nowhere wearing a skin tight, baby blue polyester suit and start singing When I Need You. If Leo doesn't make a showing, something went horribly wrong and you've just beat up a boy for no good reason. Way to go, you big bully.

Gay preacher joke - Ted Haggard. (Thank you to whoever searched for this, because it has allowed me to use another outdated reference to Teddy the Obviously Gay Evangelical.)

Code Whore - Douche Bag

Jesus eats bananas - He sure does, because they happen to be his favorite food in the entire universe. He also uses them to cover up his zits.

Crazy Clown vs.Jesus - Why is Jesus fighting so much lately? Maybe it's banana overload. Can too much potassium turn you into a raging lunatic? I think it's more likely that someone has pissed him off, and that's why JC has resorted to physical violence. Whoever you are, cut it out. Jesus is supposed to be busy showing himself in trees and x-rays and other such nonsense. Let him do his job, asshat.

Take Care,
Babs