July 31, 2010
Yesterday I found Jesus. Did you hear that people? I FUCKING FOUND JESUS! I am so excited I'm damn near speechless!
It turns out Jesus has been waiting for me in a cemetery up in a tree. I can't disclose the location for fear that Jesus will be overrun with people wanting to touch his tree or carve chunks out of it to take home with them.
Unlike most of the other Jesus sightings, I don't have to even circle or outline or draw arrows to where Jesus is. You know what this means? Jesus obviously loves me more than all of those other people and he's probably ready for his beej.
Hugs and big wet kisses,
July 25, 2010
Okay, I may have made up the previous paragraph, but the AFA is boycotting Home Depot because the reprobates at Home Depot support diversity and the AFA is against anyone who isn't exactly like they are. The president of the AFA, Tim Wildmon, also known as the Chief of Douchebaggery, had this to say about it,“It’s no longer ‘The Home Depot,’ it’s now ‘The Homosexual Depot.’" That's actually pretty funny. I'm sure Tim didn't meant it to be, but I think it has a nice ring to it. How nice?
Be careful when you go into a Home Depot store, because since embracing the homosexual agenda, the hardware department is not what it used to be.
You can read about it here.
July 23, 2010
Due to the actions of an atheist thief who has stolen my material and posted evil postings about our Christian beliefs. She refuses to remove her sarcastic evil rantings about Christianity and God and refuses to remove the pictures of my material that she has stolen from me. I have had to post this warning. Disclaimer: I certify that everything on this site is real and that I have personally experienced what I have written below. All material on this site is copyright protected. Do not copy, link, modify, or reproduce any material on this site without my express permission. Any violation will result in legal action. If you would like a copy of any of my photos below with an express license please let me know and I will be happy to send you one.
Also, Ray has taken all of the mentions of his holy cracker being a Ritz cracker and has taken off the pictures of the Ritz box. I guess he figured out that he was doing a little bit of copyright infringement on his own.
Here is a cached version of his webpage that still has the Ritz pics on it.
*End of update*It's official. Ray is like totally infatuated with me!You know how I know? Because he wrote a love poem to me on his Jesus cracker page. See for yourself.
I love that he wrote it in red because red is the color of Jesus' blood. It's also the color of Valentine hearts. And roses. And Jesus' blood!
Ray has very generously offered to send a copy of his Jesus cracker photos to anyone who asks, so I think you guys know what to do. Get over to Ray's page and get you some Jesus cracker pics.
Here is the post that started this lovefest between Ray and I.
I think I love Ray more than I love Jesus, and that's a lot!
Smacks on the ass,
July 22, 2010
For those of you who don't know why Ray wants to sue me, it's because of this post. I think it's obvious that Ray is named Ray because he's a ray of sunshine!
If this material is not removed immediately, I will give your personal
information to my attorney, and we will pursue legal punitive damages for
slander, personal defamation, and copyright infringement.
July 21, 2010
I've read your blog about the "Cracker Please". I am Ray and I'm extremely angry about your post. First, you do not have my direct permission to post my pictures of my copyrighted material on your site. Second, how dare you defame my character by insinuating that I’m some sort of crackpot. If you do not remove this post immediately and apologize on your blog I will take legal action. My site will not allow a right click to copy the pictures. I have blocked that function. So, you have directly and deliberately violated my copyright by stealing my material. This is theft it’s against the law and I will not accept this type of behavior. Defamation of character is still against the law. Post an apology, remove my pictures from your site or I’ll be forced to sue you. And I will sue you.
Have a nice day!
Now, I know what you're thinking, but you're wrong. Deep down, Ray isn't really pissed at me. If you read between the lines, you'll see that Ray's love for my post comes only second to his love for me.
Since Ray has experienced his own cracker miracle, I wonder what he w uld make of the miracle I discovered in a box of animal crackers.
I know it's not the Virgin Mary and Jesus (at least I hope it's not), but it's still pretty miraculous. What do you think you get when you mate an elephant and a lion? Is that a lion? It's hard to tell, but that elephant sure has a really big trunk, huh?
I suppose I could sell prints of my miraculous cracker like Ray is doing over at Rays Kitchen, but I'd rather share the love for free. My particular brand of religion doesn't cost anything. Well, nothing more than your soul, but who needs one of those?
And you can purchase them here.
July 19, 2010
Ray Favereau has had a Ritz cracker since 2007 and it's still the same as when he took it out of the package! There's a simply logical reason for this perpetually fresh cracker. It's because it is most holy and divine.
See for yourself.
Whatta you mean you don't see anything? Look closer.
Still nothing? Try this enhanced version.
Still don't see anything? You know why? Because you don't have any faith, you shamless reprobate. Close your eyes and pray really hard and then look at this next shot and see if you can make out anything.
Now you see it? The left side of the cracker is Jesus and the right side is his very famous mother! It's amazing how clear they are once you pray and then draw them on there, isn't it? This could also be King Arthur and Clara Barton, but that wouldn't be nearly as sacred, would it?
I'll bet if Ray ate the cracker, he'd live forever.
I think the lesson to be learned from this, kids, is to never, ever eat another Ritz cracker again. Anything that stays fresh for three years can't be very healthy - even if it does have Jesus on it.