April 26, 2008

I Believe You're An Asshat

Memo to Rep. Edward Bullard from Florida: Fuck you. And I mean that in the nicest way possible. Seriously, fuck you.

Why the animosity towards Eddie? He's the jackass that's trying to get this license plate approved so Christians all over the fine state of Florida can let everyone know about their faith:I suppose that Eddie's attempt at getting this plate approved shouldn't garner a "fuck you", but the last two sentences of this article does. "Bullard, the plate's sponsor, isn't sure all groups should be able to express their preference. If atheists came up with an "I Don't Believe" plate, for example, he would probably oppose it."

Oppose this, you hypocritical douche bag.

I'm practically gushing love today, huh?

Take Care,

April 22, 2008

Happy Earth Day!

Take Care,

April 20, 2008

The $300 Man

Sometimes things happen that almost make me believe there may be a god. This morning I was telling Jesus Guy that I needed something good to blog about - like a pastor fornicating with one of his church members, or something equally scandalous. I'm starting to think that maybe Jesus Guy has connections with that other Jesus, because while I didn't get a story about a pastor, I did get me some fornicating.

Well, that didn't come out the way I meant it to. I mean I got a story about some Christian fornicating. Yay for Fornicating Sunday!

Maybe I should just get on with the story. LaVern Jordan is the founder of Parkway Christian School down yonder in Spring, Texas. Lest you think that I use the phrase "down yonder" on a regular basis, I don't. But I'm pretty sure there's a writing style rule that dictates that any time you write about a location in Texas, you have to describe it as "down yonder." Anyway, LaVern may sound like a chick's name, but this LaVern is a dude. A totally sexy dude. Have a look see for yourself.

Sweet cheese on a cracker, LaVern. You're makin' all sorts of funny stuff happen down yonder in my pants. You sure are, you big, studly hunka man meat.

LaVern charges tuition for his Christian school, but sometimes under very special circumstances, he'll waive the fee. For instance, let's say you can't afford to pay for your daughter to attend the school. Bummer, huh? But no worries, because you can have hot, steamy, missionary position sex with LaVern and those tuition fees will magically disappear.

Unfortunately for LaVern, when he suggested his super groovy money-saving plan to one of the parents, he didn't realize that the woman he was offering his "sword of the lord" to was taping the entire conversation. He probably also didn't realize that I'm going to post the conversation right here, but I am.

LaVern: "Do you have sexual relationships often anymore? Are you seeing a man now?"
Parent Who Totally Busted Lavern: "No. Nuh-uh."
LaVern: "For the uh enrollment fee and stuff like that, maybe you and I could do something, you think?"
PWTBL: "Yeah, what I mean what, what you gonna wipe out all the fees?"
LaVern: "All the enrollment fees."
PWTBL: "All the enrollment fees?"
LaVern: "Three hundred dollars."
PWTBL: "So you gonna wipe everything if me and you get together?"
LaVern: "The enrollment fee, yeah."
PWTBL: "Yeah. OK."
LaVern: "If you and I get together."
PWTBL: "What you mean, I mean, what?"
LaVern: "Watcha mean? Excuse me, and I don't mean to be so blunt, but I am talking about fucking you."
PWTBL: "You talkin' about what?"
LaVern: "Fucking you. For the three hundred dollars I would expect maybe we could get together several times, you think?"
PWTBL: "Several times, whatcha mean by several times?"
LaVern: "Well I don't know, you might like whatcha getting. If you're not in like just a great big hurry, I know uh, of a place not too far that we can go and I can just do...that...we can just do some play around a little bit. Would you like that? We could go and do some titty play.

PWTBL: "No."
LaVern: "Nobody else will know."
PWTBL: "Nuh-uh."
LaVern: "Can I touch you?"

Holy tingling naughty parts, LaVern! You bad, bad Christian boy with your filthy whore's tongue. You are so making me want to touch myself right now. Seriously, can there be a better pickup line than, "Let's go do some titty play"? I'm not even sure what the fuck that's supposed to mean, but I know it is definitely workin' for me.

I think this has to be the most awkward exchange regarding sex ever made in the history of mankind. You can see the news story here, and watch LaVern the Love Muffin try to deny that he was just in a truck behind a La Quinta Inn trying to get his groove on. La Quinta. That's pure class, LaVern.

Take Care,
Babs - who's all about doin' some play around.

April 7, 2008

Bring on the McGay, Bitch!

I hate to break it to the children of born-again parents, but you will never be allowed to have another Happy Meal again. Wanna know why? Mostly because your parents are batshit crazy, and think that because McDonald's is now a corporate sponsor of the National Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce, if you eat a Happy Meal you will instantly turn into a homosexual. But not just your run-of-the-mill homosexual, but instead, a raging, maniacal, crazy-eyed homosexual with an agenda. THAT GAY ONE! Then after you've tried turning everyone else into a raging, maniacal, crazy-eyed homosexual, you'll be damned to hell for all eternity. All because you ate a Happy Meal! Way to go, kid. I hope the crappy toy was worth it.

At least that's what the geniuses over at World Net Daily are reporting, or pretty close to that anyway. The crew over at WND have their collective hamster-sized scrotums in a snag because not only has McDonald's become a corporate sponsor of the godless, gay agenda, but its VP of communications, Richard Ellis, has been elected to the board of that really, really supergay Chamber of Commerce. Well, jumping Jesus on a trampoline! Who the hell knows what McD's will do next? They'll probably start putting strap-ons and tubs of anal lube in the Happy Meals.

The big guys at McDonald's refused to return phone calls from WND, but did send an email that stated, "McDonald's is indeed a Corporate Partner and Organizational Ally of NGLCC. " I think they should have added, "We also think that you should indeed shove that up your overly tight, born-again asses."

I am so thrilled with McDonald's, I thought I'd help them out with a few new menu ideas that will reflect their choice to embrace that crazy, gay agenda.

Take Care,

Babs - who always knew that Ronald was totally gay.

April 4, 2008


The lovely Heather pointed me towards a fun little toy. Not THAT kind of toy, you pervs. But, rather The Blog and Website Cuss-O-Meter!

I know you all will be rather shocked to know that Flumadiddle registered the following:

The Blog-O-Cuss Meter - Do you cuss a lot in your blog or website?
Created by OnePlusYou

How the fuck did I not get in the f-bomb range? Speaking of "f-bomb", I absolutely hate that phrase. Mostly because I think if you feel the word "fuck" is some sort of explosive device in your speaking, you may be a little too uptight and may need to just loosen the fuck up or something.

But the Cuss-O-Meter page did state that my 40.6% was 408% more than other websites that took this test.

So, I've got that going for me.

Take Care,

April 1, 2008

Nice Package

This note was left on the door of the office the other day.

I sorry I missed you, too, UPS dude. I honestly don't have any problem at all with what you put up your pants on your own time. Boxes, furry woodland creatures, cattle prods, roller skates - whatever blows your skirt up. However, if you're going to be putting boxes up your pants, please don't use the box you're delivering to us and please don't do it in one of our trucks. Okay? I mean, we're definitely a strange bunch around here, but we're not box-up-our-pants strange.

Take Care,