February 26, 2008

Tag Me Down There

Not only have I been a crappy blog writer lately, I've been an even crappier blog reader. I have no excuse. I was tagged by the lovely and talented OG LAST WEDNESDAY, and I didn't see it until tonight. I am so sorry, OG. If you're upset, you can always take it out on Evo. He really, really loves the abuse.

So here are the rules of the tag:

Grab the nearest book (that is at least 123 pages long).
2. Open to p. 123.
3. Go down to the 5th sentence.
4. Type in the following 3 sentences.
5. Tag five people.

Since the room my computer is in also houses my art supplies, the book closest to me is a nursing book from 1909 that I bought because it had some pretty cool illustrations that I wanted to use in my art.

Here are the three sentences.

Cold may be applied to the abdomen and the genitals. We will now suppose that a nurse has been called to a confinement case. What is the first thing to be done?

Christ on a stick! Even when I participate in a seemingly innocent game of tag, my blog heads straight for the nether regions. Flumadiddle - all the crotch you could ever hope for, without all those nasty STDs.

I am going to tag any of my readers who haven't already been tagged - you can leave your 3 sentences in the comments. OH OH OH then I can post a compilation of them and see what we come up with. Ohmigod! Won't that totally be fun? Of course, it will!

I'm so easily amused.

Take Care,

February 23, 2008

Let's All Go to the Movies

I've been disappointed with movies for quite a few years now. It's rare to find one that is actually worth paying $30 dollars to go see. To me, all the movies follow the same story lines and have the same types of characters. Where is the originality? Now it's gotten so bad they've actually brought back Rambo to the big screen. This is why I usually just stay home and watch IFC if I'm in a movie mood.

We all know that movies are for entertainment and are supposed to transport us to another world where everything is magical. I should say that most of us know that, because I think there are people who think that the movies are supposed to be how real life plays out. Unfortunately, 30 years from now those people are still going to be sitting in their apartment with 63 cats and their pet parakeet, Muffin, waiting for the love of their life to come knocking on their door and instantly fall in love with them and their 63 cats. At this point Muffin is incidental and can be eliminated if necessary.

Anyway, here is a list of the idiocy found in movies:

1. You will fall in love one of three ways. a.) Love at first sight. b.) Hate at first sight. c.) You'll fall in love with your best friend. If it's instant love, you'll think the object of your affection has been screwing their neighbor, but then you'll find out the whole time they were just planning a surprise party for you. Ohmigod! Then you're all in love again and romping in the sack. If it's instant hate, you'll find out that the object of your affection donated their kidney to some 8 year old girl, and the only way they found out she needed a kidney was because they overheard her aunt talking about in line at the grocery store. Donating a kidney to a little girl they didn't even know? Wow do they ever rock your socks! If it's your best friend, you will begin falling in love with him over a basket of fries while you're listening to how that filthy, filthy whore of girl just dumped him. Later, when you give him a consoling hug, you inadvertently discover that even though you thought for years that he stuffed a sock down his pants, you were very, very wrong. And now you love him more than you ever loved any other person in the entire solar system. You also totally get why his friends always call him Big D even though his name is Josh.

2. If you're the dorky adolescent at school your friends will consist of: the chubby kid, the clumsy kid, the ethnic minority kid, the bookworm kid, and the kid who eats his own scabs. You will all get wedgies every day by the class bully until you exact your revenge by building a giant cannon that shoots dog turds. You will also form a ragtag sports team. Your team will never be described by any adjective other than "ragtag". You will win the big tournament with only 2 seconds left on the time clock. The scab eater will then be hoisted on the shoulders of you and your fellow geeks, and you'll carry him around while the school band makes a pathetic attempt at playing We Will Rock You.

3. If you're the dorky teenager at school you'll end up going to the prom with the popular chick/dude. You're the underdog. You will fucking win, you little nerd.

4. Life comes with background music. This really bothers me, because I want it to be true. Seriously, how cool would it be to have your own background music? For one thing it could save your life because....

5. You will never be slashed to death until the scary music starts.

6. In the movies, the space between your cootch and your arms is a magical place for babies. If you give birth, at some point between the baby exiting your vagina and being placed in your arms, your child will age at least 2 months. Your newborn baby will also be abnormally alert, and will be talking and eating whole foods. The kid might possibly be smoking a cigar and screaming for someone to turn off the goddamn bright light. I have little baby retinas here and you're burning them, morons.

7. If you're a woman, you will never be attacked in a dark alley unless you're wearing 4" heels, and a dress that can be easily torn. To avoid this, either wear your tearaway dress with tennis shoes, or wear your 4" heels with a dress made out of the formed plastic that is used for packaging.

8. If you are a detective and have a partner, one of you will be funny and one of you will be anally serious. There's a 99.7% chance that you will be different ethnicities. If you're the funny one you will not be white, but you will be the one who solves the murder. At the end of the movie, Detective Crabbyass will finally crack a smile at one of your jokes. You will then go on to be in 500 sequels.

9. If your name is Sylvester Stallone or Steven Segal you will star in movies even though the scope of your acting ability is being able to sneer and walk at the same time.

10. If there is a movie about teen pregnancy, within 6 months every movie on the marquee will be about teen pregnancy. This rule can also be applied to pre-teen witchcraft and historical events.

So, the next time you feel the need to go see a movie, just read this list and save yourself 30 bucks.

Take Care,

February 20, 2008

Nature, Uncensored.

I can't come up with a damn thing to write about, so here's a video for you to watch until my brain decides to start functioning again.

Take Care,

February 14, 2008

Just Title it Whatever You Want

In case my last 50 or so posts weren't weird enough for you, I've got some more weird! I loves me some weird.

The first freaky item was sent to me by the ever alert to odd religious stuff, Kathleen.

You can turn Jesus on and off all day long. Just remember though, if Jesus has a painful erection lasting more than 4 hours, be sure and call a doctor. And why the hell is Jesus pushing the kids towards the light switch? Stay away from the light, kids. STAY AWAY FROM THE LIGHT!

Since the Jesus light switch is so awesome, I thought a Virgin Mary light switch was in order.

From saggy to perky with a single flip. You want to touch the virgin boobies, don't you?

The next display of pure freakishness is a book cover I found over at Sammy Gipp's site. Sammy is a preacher man who writes books once in awhile, but he spends most of his time doing battle with the forces of evil. He's kinda like Luke Skywalker, but he's probably a much better actor than Mark Hamill. Not that being a better actor than Mark Hamill is any kind of accomplishment.

So, here's the book cover.

Holy fucking flapjacks

First, For His Pleasure should never be the title of a book unless it's an instruction manual on the fine art of fellatio. The only other time the phrase "for his pleasure" should be used is in a condom advertisement. Thin for his pleasure, motorized for hers.

Second, if you're going to be a complete bag o' douche and title your book For His Pleasure NEVER EVER EVER put a man and a boy on the front cover, you sick, sick fuck.

Third, If you have already strapped on the stupid and ignored the first two rules, I wash my hands of you, and you might as well have the man and boy playing with a goddamn erector set. Who knows? Maybe they're building a tower to god.

Didn't Sammy once stop to think that maybe just maybe this was, I dunno, a tad pervy?

Take Care,

A Valentine Video

Here is my Valentine's Day gift for all of you.

Happy Fucking Valentine's Day!

Hugs and Kisses,

February 12, 2008

Happy Darwin Day

In honor of Darwin's Birthday, I thought I'd share a sampling of the brilliant statements I found over at FSTDT made by those crazy born again people on the topic of evolution. Of course, I've had to comment on their comments. I sincerely hope that you can determine which are mine.

….you cannot evolve outside your class. Example: plant kingdom, animal kingdom, people kingdom.....

Bwahahaha! We humans have finally conquered and annihilated the dreaded mineral kingdom. Now we will rule the world!

Humans are MAMMALS...not animals. There is a big difference between the two words

I am not an animal!!! I am a human being!!! I wish you guys could have heard that, because it was one suhweet impression of the elephant man.

A poll conducted last year showed that two-thirds of Americans believe in creationism, or the theory that God created humans at a single point in time,
while 53 percent believe that humans developed over millions of years from less advanced forms of life -- the theory of evolution

. And the other 168% believe that you flunked 4th grade math.

Evolution is a religious belief. Science theories are very similar to religious beliefs, except they add in crap like hydrogen, oxygen etc.

If religion would add in helium, I might convert. It would definitely make the sermons more entertaining.

The really funny thing is that Charles Darwin recanted his evolution theory very late in life.

Yeah, but the really, really funny thing is that you're a moron. And the really, really, super funny thing is my joke about the polar bear. But I'm not going to share it with you.

I know better than to waste my time with "scientists." In my opinion, evolution teaches a monkey gave birth to the first human, and if this is how you justify its denial, have a good day.
In my opinion, I think whoever is turning on the computer for you should stop. If Darwin was alive, I would encourage him to beat you over the head with a sock monkey. Have a good day.
This is a question to all evolutionists: Do you believe that you evolved from a rock? I give you all the time you need. Trillions of years, even more, take all you want.
I've never thought that anyone evolved from a rock, but you are making me rethink my position.
People want to believe evolution because there are NO rules to evolution.
Do you know what this means? If you accept the theory of evolution, you can cheat at Scrabble!

Take Care,

February 7, 2008

Awwww Crap!

Thanks to the lovely Carla for sending me this one.

The times when you only saw one set of footprints in the snow...that was when I carried you.

I don't know how in the hell the reporter ever read the ransom note without laughing. I think the Daily Show should definitely look into recruiting him. I give Jean two enthusiastic thumbs up for her "graspy voice" line, and for her dramatic ending..."It wasn't. It wasn't."

The good news is, Jesus is back! It turns out that her neighbors weren't the Jesus thieves after all. One of Jean's family members is the culprit, but Jean refuses to go into any details about it.

I'll bet she's sorry now that she put all those bags of flaming, wiener poopie on her neighbor's porches.

Take Care,

February 6, 2008

Pimpin' the Podcast

Recently, I was asked to join a podcast and I accepted. We're a group of heathens that are going to talk about whatever tickles our fancy. I think I can speak for the group when I say that we all love having our fancies tickled. Hopefully, we'll tickle yours, too.

So, you should check it out. You should also recommend it to: your friends, family, hairdresser, mailman, doctor, witch doctor, dentist, massage therapist, grocery clerk, waitress, waiter, favorite prostitute/gigolo, delivery person, banker, attorney, psychiatrist, weight trainer, mortician, accountant, baker, dry cleaning clerk, park ranger and librarian. Tell people you know, people you don't know, people you want to know and people you might want to know, but aren't really sure about, yet.

I'll shut up now and just give you the link to the podcast. Another Goddamned Podcast.

If you haven't already checked out the other podcasting heathens' blogs, you should. They've all received the Flumadiddle Seal of Approval.

Take Care,

February 4, 2008

Wait a Minute Mr. Postman

Flipping through my mail the other day, I came to a screeching halt when I came to an envelope with the following on the front of it, "This very old church loans this to you, to bless someone connected with this home. Then, it must go to another family that desires God's blessings. See letter inside..." Of course, my interest was instantly piqued, and all the other mail hit the floor. Bills can wait, but a letter addressed to "Resident" with some sort of mystery loan from an old church is muy importante.

So I ripped open the envelope and I found my "loan" inside. It was a magical, super duper, prayer rug. A magical, super duper, prayer rug made out of paper! With a purple Jesus on it! See for yourself.

Isn't this the most awesome paper Jesus rug you've ever seen? I tried flying on it, but it didn't work. Either it's not really that magical, or Jesus didn't like me sitting on his face. Anyway, at the bottom of the rug it has these instructions, "Look into Jesus' eyes you will see they are closed. But as you continue to look you will see His eyes opening and looking back into your eyes."

I was skeptical at first, but after I started staring at Jesus, I'll be damned if he didn't start staring back at me. In fact, we had a stare-down, but I won. I have to confess that I cheated, though by poking him in the eye. He wouldn't quit looking at me!!

After I spanked Jesus in the staring contest, I was supposed to kneel on my Rug of Faith or just touch it to both knees. Then I was to "check my prayer needs" on the letter, and then return the letter and the rug. Huh? Return? What the fuck, people? You can't send me something as groovy as my magical rug and then expect me to give it back. I'm keeping it. I'm going to use it as a placemat, but only for special occasions.

I am, however, sending back the letter with "my prayer needs" checked. I had to fill in my own needs, because I didn't need any of the needs they had listed. Need I say more? Of course, I do. Here's what I'm sending:
Since you don't have my need listed, I thought it would be A-OK if I just wrote my own. I'm sure being good, Christian people from a 57 year old church, you won't mind. I need for Gary Cooper to show up at my door. I would ask for Johnny Depp, but I don't think even Jesus could pull off that one. However, since Jesus has practice at raising people from the dead, I figure Gary Cooper should be pretty easy. I also need Gary to be dressed up like a million dollar trouper, trying hard to look like..um..himself. He should be riding a giant, feral cat, and be carrying a basket filled with: 13 walnuts, 3.2 ounces of transmission fluid, a tube sock with a purple stripe, a red pageboy wig, a clown nose, the June 1941 edition of National Geographic, a 15 amp fuse, a pair of wire cutters and the Holy Spirit trapped inside a mayonnaise jar. I can't wait until Jesus answers my prayer!
There was also a prophecy written just for me. It was even sealed, and had this warning written on the outside, "If for any reason you are not going return this Church Prayer Rug, then this sacred prophecy must be destroyed, unopened and unread, because this is a sacred, spiritual prophecy, sealed word, concerning you and your future."

Yo, Church People. I am not giving back the rug. If you wanted the damn thing so bad, you should have never sent it to me.

But I still wanted to know what my sacred prophecy was. So, I threw caution to the wind, tilted my head ever so slightly upwards, laughed maniacally, and opened my sacred prophecy. I have to say that when I read it, I was severely disappointed. Here's kind of how it went...."My Child, blah blah blah²." It was something about me needing to set new goals in my life, and change was coming, and hey this prophecy totally sucks ass, doesn't it?

I thought when I opened the letter and saw that it was written to, "Dear...Someone Connected with This Address", it was going to be something really special just for me.

Oh well, at least I have my purple Jesus placemat.

Freaky side note: The ever adorable Kathleen left a comment that she had a letter to send to me. Oddly enough, it was this same exact prayer rug letter. I think someone's watching us.

Take Care,