January 31, 2008

Forecast Faceoff

It's supposed to snow here today. We can expect anything from a coating to 10 inches, depending on which forecast you read. So, I'm going to post the forecasts and see who comes the closest to being right. These forecasts are from 12:40 am.

Feel free to make bets, if you so desire.

Weather Channel - A wintry mix in the morning will transition to mainly snow in the afternoon. Cold. Temps nearly steady in the low to mid 30s. ESE winds shifting to N at 10 to 20 mph. Chance of precip 70%. Snow accumulating 1 to 3 inches.

Accuweather - High: 36°F RealFeel®: 27°F Breezy and colder with rain mixing with, then changing to snow, accumulating a coating to an inch


Weather Underground – Cheated and copied from NOAA.

Intellicast - A wintry mix in the morning will transition to mainly snow in the afternoon. Cold. Temps nearly steady in the low to mid 30s. ESE winds shifting to N at 10 to 20 mph. Chance of precip 70%. Snow accumulating 1 to 2 inches.

The NOAA forecast is actually the most entertaining to read. They're so dramatic about our possible 4-10 inches of snow, and they use ALL CAPS and everything. They warn that with the wind, we could be facing snow drifts of 2 - 3 feet! Jesus Tap Dancing Christ! If you live in northeast Oklahoma or northwest Arkansas do NOT go outside tomorrow, or you will get stuck in a massive snowdrift and you will die.

NOAA is also warning that this avalanche of wintry precipitation from the sky could break tree limbs, and they could take out power lines. I'm sure after that happens, the looting and rioting are sure to ensue. I'd hate to think of the pandemonium should we ever get a blizzard.

The really amusing thing is that on Friday, the high is supposed to be 40º, then 53º for Saturday and 58º for Sunday. Which means we could possibly have snow on the ground for up to 48 hours. I don't know how we'll make it through this disaster.

UPDATE: 12:10 PM CST - This morning I braved the elements and drove to the store. There was snow on my car. Roughly 1/25 of an inch. The roads were WET. I don't know how I survived. The roads are still wet. There is nothing falling from the sky. I still have electricity. No one has died in a snow drift. But, all of the area schools have been closed. I'm not making that up, either. They closed school with absolutely no snow on the ground. Amazing.

UPDATE: 1:53 PM CST - There is something falling from the sky. It appears that it may be snow. Roads are still VERY WET! Still no drifts. Still have electricity. The suspense is killing me.

FINAL UPDATE: 12:38 AM CST - We had snow accumulation of almost one inch. No one died in a snow drift. I never lost power. It's over. Accuweather was actually accurate. Who knew?

Take Care,

January 28, 2008

More Stinky Penis

Little did I know when I wrote my post on NodorO™ I would receive so many searches concerning men and their fishy cockenballs. I seriously had no idea it was so problematic for men. At first I was only going to write out the searches for you to enjoy, but then I thought a video might be fun. Everybody loves videos! Then the highly disturbed chick that lives in my head took over, and the result is this video.

I just hope people aren't going to start calling me the Fishy Penis Lady.

Please note - Due to having to compress the video because YouTube smells like anus, there is a glitch or two and I sound like Sylvester. The cat, not Stallone.

Take Care,

January 23, 2008

You Say PoTAYto, I say Jesus!

Jesus is back, and this time he's in a rotten spot in a potato. Pastor Renee Brewster and her husband, Bishop Winston Brewster, are the proud owners of the Jesus spud. Hold the phone. A pastor and a bishop? I wonder if they're like the Wonder Twins and can take the form of water or an animal. Wonder Twin powers activate...form of a baptismal...shape of a dove.

I seriously have this weird Super Friends thing going on this week. I think it's some kind of sign. I'm just not sure what, yet.

Anywho, Renee discovered the Jesus potato while she was making potato salad for their weekly rescue mission. She was hesitant about making the salad because she didn't feel like hers was as good as Sister Frankie's. I can't say that I blame her. For one thing, the homeless are extremely picky about their potato salad, and would probably riot if she put too much celery seed in it. Until you've seen a group of hungry, homeless people in a rage over potato salad, then you, my friend, have never seen true carnage. The other thing is, and I hate to break it to Renee, but no one can make potato salad like Sister Frankie. She's the Tater Queen. Ain't nobody what can beat the Tater Queen.

Looking for a way to get out of her potato duty, Renee did what any good christian would do. She prayed. "Lord if it’s not for me to make potato salad then send me a sign.” I know that a lot of you are thinking that when Renee started her prayer with "Lord" she meant the lord mentioned in the bible. But, a friend of a cousin of a co-worker of Renee's neighbor told me that Renee really prays to Jack Lord.

Lord answered her prayer and dispatched Jesus to burrow into one of the potatoes Renee was using. I'm going to let you in on a secret. Jack Lord is in heaven right this very minute, and he is the Chief Jesus Dispatcher. He also always sends Jesus out with an "Aloha, sucker." Jesus hates that.

But, back to the potato.

I'm not sure which one of these is supposed to be the real Jesus potato. It's highly possible that Jesus has his own Wonder Twin. If he does, it would be more like...shape of a nail puller...form of Band-aids. A lot of them. Possibly a tourniquet.

Maybe Renee can help us figure out which is the genuine Flying Jesus Potato. “It’s remarkable. Even when I cut the good part off the cross ended up being shaped like a tomb from long ago.”

Frankly, I don't know what the hell she's talking about. If the real Jesus is the one on the right, the potato is shaped like a stalactite. If the real Jesus is on the left, the potato is shaped like a, well, much like a chunk of potato.

I know the burning question on everyone's mind is if Renee got out of her potato salad duty. No way. Lord told her to shut her cakehole, and make the friggin' salad, already. Renee obeyed, because no one refuses Steve McGarrett. And did the Flying Jesus Potato bring her luck in her salad making endeavor? Here's what Bishop B told Renee, “It was good. It was the best you ever made...it was almost as good as Sister Frankie's". Uh oh. Looks like the Tater Queen better watch out, 'cause there's a new spud slinger in town, and she's got Jesus and Jack Lord watchin' her back. I think there's a Tater Queen Throwdown in the near future.

Bishop B also stated, "When this occurred it gave us this extra motivation that intuition hey we aren't in this alone". Don't ask me what the fuck he's trying to say. I'm just quoting from the article. Maybe someone at Fox 35 needs to throw in a comma once in awhile, or maybe Bishop B has been drinking some of Sister Frankie's "Heavenly Hooch". That Sister Frankie is one talented woman in the kitchen.

Totally stoked from her delusional high, Renee summed up her experience as such, “I just want people to know God is still as real today as he was back then and he can show up anytime he gets ready.” Well, praise the Flying Jesus Potato and pass me some tater salad. Just be careful when you're eating it, or you may find yourself chewing on a big chunk of Jesus. And he's so not tasty.

Many thanks to The Chaplain for alerting me to this tuberrific sighting.

Take Care,

January 21, 2008

Chuck 'n Huck

Chuck Norris wrote an absolutely fascinating article over at the National Ledger. And by fascinating, I mean I laughed so hard I choked. I won't post the entire comedic script here, but I'll point out a few highlights.
Sitting at another full-throttle World Combat League event in San Antonio, Texas, on Friday night, I caught myself momentarily reflecting back upon the previous two days of campaigning with GOP front-runner Mike Huckabee. As the contestants combated in the WCL ring, I thought to myself, "The fight of the century would be Hillary vs. Huckabee in the presidential ring."
Ah, I can't tell you how many times I, too, have been at a World Combat League event and found myself reflecting. One time, I even found myself pondering which led me to almost slip into reminiscing, but I stopped myself in the nick of time. By the way, your thoughts scare me. Inside your head is a big, empty, dark, scary place to be. Much like I imagine Condoleezza Rice's vagina to be. Not that I spend much time thinking about her cooch, but on those rare occasions when I do, I can't stop myself from comparing it to your head.
I've trained fighters for nearly four decades now. I was a six-time world champion. I pretty much know what it takes to create a winner. And I believe there is a similarity between making winners in the fighting ring and the presidential one: Only the strong survive.
And only the good die young, and only the lonely know why I cry. However, god only knows what I'd be without you, because only you and you alone can thrill me like you do. Six time world champion? Well, sweet Jesus on an eggbeater. With credentials like that, how could I resist your order to vote for Mike? Oh, I know. Because I will never, ever vote for Mike Huckabee unless it's for something like, "Most Delusional Politician of the Year."
Right now the Clinton machine (which Huckabee calls "the sausage grinder") is planning how to slice and dice each of the GOP candidates if they win the nomination.
Forget those other grinders. The Clinton Machine not only grinds, but with the easy to use attachments, it also slices, dices, quarters, chops, minces, grates and juices. Why bother with cumbersome knives, grinders and graters? Don't clutter your counters with countless implements. The Clinton Machine does it all. Order now and we'll also send you the Clinton Machine Chia Pet absolutely free!
The only resource Clinton has that could combat Mike is more money, and in this ring, we all know the muscle in that fist. But we can prevent that, and we must do it by financially joining Mike's army before it's too late.
The muscle in that fist? Are you trying to talk dirty to me, Chuck? How much muscle are you holding in your big, hairy-knuckled, man fist? Oh, do you mean the collective Clinton Machine fist? I guess I'm going to have to change my advertisement to include that the Clinton Machine also punches. Which could come in handy just in case you're suddenly attacked by Chuck Norris while grinding your sausage.
Keep Hope alive! Join my wife Gena and me in electing Mike Huckabee!
Well, slap my ass and call me Spanky! Chuck's married? I would have never thought that someone would marry that. I wonder if his wife has to wear a rain coat all the time to keep from being doused by all that Chucktosterone. I think in order to really convince people to vote for Huckabee, Chuck should have written, "Join my wife Gena and me in electing Mike Huckabee, or I'll beat you into a bloody pulp and leave your carcass to be consumed by maggots. Walker, Texas Ranger RULES!"

Take Care,

January 18, 2008

Meanwhile, I rambled.

Meanwhile, Back at the Hall of Justice

When I was little I wanted to be Wonder Woman. Not the live-action Linda Carter Wonder Woman, but the cartoon Super Friends Wonder Woman. I loved her hair, her boots, her bullet-deflecting bracelets, and even her star-spangled corset-teddy-slut suit thing. I'll bet it was really a bodysuit - one with snaps at the crotch. Did anyone else ever have to wear those? I don't know what kind of sadist invented them, but they were one sick individual. Bodysuits were especially horrible when you outgrew one, but still tried to wear it anyway. Because once you were to big for the thing and tried to snap it, as soon as you straightened back up it suddenly unsnapped, and you had a crotch snaps flying at your face at about 200 mph. I'm sure there was more than one person back in the 70s who suffered facial trauma from a flying bodysuit snap.

Anyway, back to Wonder Woman. Even though I wanted to be her more than anything in the whole wide world, I thought her invisible plane sucked big, green monkey nuts. You know why? Because while the plane was invisible, Wonder Woman was not. I hated that, and I'll bet I wasn't the only kid on Saturday morning sitting there thinking that Wonder Woman was a complete twat if she thought that no one could see her because she was flying an invisible plane. We could totally see you, Wonder Woman. Right through your stupid invisible plane.

Meanwhile, Back at the Church of Fucking

You guys remember Earl? The preacher at the Cathedral of the Holy Spirit at Chapel Hill Harvester Church whose nephew was also his son? You know, the one that didn't fuck a camel.

Well, Earl still hasn't fornicated with a camel, but dammit all I wish he would.

Earl did, however, plead guilty to lying his holy ass off under oath about ever putting his peepee into any woman other than his wife. The paternity test that proved he was his nephew's daddy kind of gave him away. I'm thinkin' Earl's pretty pissed that his god ever invented that damn DNA shit. Due to Earl being a douche bag, and not only sleeping with his brother's wife, but then lying about it, he was fined $1000 and is on probation for 10 years.

I'll bet he wouldn't get more than 10 years probation for boinking a camel. So, whatta ya say Earl? Take one for the team. Give me something good to write about, because when I have to resort to writing about Wonder Woman and you not fucking a camel, Earl, I obviously don't have any decent fodder.

Meanwhile, Back at Church Sign O' the Week

Finally! It's been so long since I've had a good church sign. I think Church Sign Guy has been cheating on me with some other atheist chick. But, it's okay, because this week's sign more than makes up for his philandering ways.

Oh, Church Thign Guy. You're tho clever! At your church, can you get your boobth growed, and your nothe thrinked? Maybe even have your penith pumped or have implanth thtuck in your ath? You rock my world, Church Thign Guy. Theriously.

Take Care,

January 13, 2008

Tag Me, I'm Quirky!

I'm the recipient of another tagging, thanks to the ever adorable Heather.

Here are the rules of this particular tag.

-Link to the person that tagged you.
- Post the rules on your blog.
- Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
- Tag six people and at the end of your post, link to their blogs.
- Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

First the jingle. Habits and quirks, habits and quirks, our habits and quirks drive people berserks. And now on to: "Freaky things you wanted to know about Babs, but were afraid to ask."

1. I have to rub my belly 3 times before I go to sleep. I think this goes back to when I was little, I would always ask my older sisters to rub my belly to help me get to sleep. Either that, or I think I'm Buddha, and I'm rubbing it for good luck. Not that my belly is Buddhaesque, his is just the first good luck belly that popped in my head.

2. Whenever I'm at a restaurant, I watch couples and try to decide if it's their first date, if they've been dating for awhile, or if they're married. First dates are always the best ones, because there's a greater chance that due to nervousness, somebody's going to knock over a drink. Or laugh and squirt pop out their nose. Or even fart, burp or queef. You have to admit, some chick queefing on the first date at a restaurant would be pretty damn funny. And, I'm sure, given time, she'd see the humor in it, too.

3. I always start my way from the back of a magazine and work my way to the front. Same way with crossword puzzles. I always start with the challenger puzzles and work my way to the easy ones.

4. When I get really stressed, I rub either the left side of my forehead or the left side of my neck. Sometimes I do this so much, I get a rash from it. Like diaper rash only on my head.

5. I don't do this as much as I used to, but sometimes when people are talking I find myself "typing" their conversation. It's not like I hold my hands out in front of me and type on my imaginary keyboard. But, I'll type against my legs. Jesus Christ, that's just weird, and there's no telling what kind of condition people think I have when they notice me typing on my legs.

6. I think I've written about this before, but I always have to get the third newspaper in the stack. I have no idea why. I don't grab the third magazine from the stand, but now that I think about it, if the magazines were stacked, I'd grab the third one. What's the deal with me and the number 3?

So, there you have it. It took me way too many days to come up with such a lame list, so I'm going to tag 6 people who can come up with a less lame list than I did.

Take Care,
Babs the Third.

January 6, 2008

To All the Men I've Loved Before

Do any of you men suffer from MGO? You know, M.G.O. It's code for Male Genital Odors. I had never heard of MGO until I found a product that promises to have your malodorous manhood smelling minty fresh in no time. Well, praise Jesus and pass down a tube of NodorO™! Of course, if your junk really is rank, I suppose it's no laughing matter, but the NodorO™ website most definitely is.

Here are some excerpts that I've delicately plucked from the website, and it's a lot of fun if you imagine Julia Child is reading them to you. I know she's dead, but that doesn't mean you still can't imagine her voice, does it? Her voice is just the one that popped into my head when I started reading these. I'm sure there's some freaky psychological reason for it.

Why the hell am I trying to explain myself? On with the fetid wiener stuff. Oh, one more thing, you can imagine my writing being read to you by whomever you so desire. Now, seriously on with the fetid wiener stuff.
Have you ever asked yourself? "Why is it that no matter how much time and effort I put into washing my penis in the shower, I still get that awful whiff of a rancid smell throughout the day, or even right after a shower?"
Oh so that's what we're calling it? Washing my penis in the shower? That is one lame euphemism for masturbating. However, if you really are washing your hoodihang, and you're putting a lot of effort into it that may be why you're in a state of reekness down south. You're probably getting chaffed from all the vigorous washing, and now your nut cannon is infected. Way to go, you dick scrubbing moron.
Let's be honest, unpleasant smells are a turn off for anyone, and the last thing you want is for a fishy smell to be coming from your own penis.
Does this mean you wouldn't mind a fishy smell coming from one of your buddy's penises? I'm sorry, I've been with a few an undisclosed number of men in my life, and I've never encountered any fishy smell. Or a rancid smell. Or anything so terribly awful that I thought that the man needed medication because he had a bad case of the dick funk. Maybe I've led a sheltered life and haven't been exposed to such horrors. If that's the case, then I'm eternally grateful for whatever circumstances allowed that to happen.
Take charge of your hygiene, improve your confidence, and get NodorO™ today. You too, will soon be able to say: "I SMELL PERFECT!".
Not to nitpick, but I think you will soon be able to say, "MY DICK SMELLS PERFECT!" (I can only imagine what kind of people that's gonna bring to my blog.)
NodorO™ targets the micro-fungi called tinea corporis that may be causing your MGO.

Other, less serious side effects may be more likely to occur. These include burning, itching, irritation of the skin, and an increased need to urinate.

I think they're serious about that last one. So, even if you're at the movies and you're super hungry, but you're all engrossed in the flick and don't want to leave your seat and all you have is your tube of NodorO™, DO NOT EAT IT. Just pick up some popcorn from the floor to hold you over. I also think "SHOULD NEVER BE INGESTED" means no hummers while you're medicating your member. Not even as a joke, because the hummer giver will not think it's funny. Not even a little bit.

Also, just to be a total geek, I have to point out that tinea corporis is the fungus commonly referred to as ringworm, which can be cured by any anti-fungal medication. When it's on your nether regions, it's referred to as tinea cruris, which is a fancy name for jock itch. Which oddly enough causes burning, itching and irritation of the skin - exactly the side effects of this amazing product. It's like getting two cases of jock itch for the price of one! Score!

Finally, should you order NodorO™ and find it's just not getting rid of your stinkystank, there's a money-back guarantee. All you have to do is follow these 2 easy steps:
#1. Complete the "RETURN FORM"

#2. Return the packing slip, along with the original box and the remaining of the product WITHIN 30 DAYS of the purchase date.
Uh. Seriously? You want the unused product back? Do you mix it back in with the other batches? How the hell do you know that some guy didn't just squirt the stuff onto Mr. Dinky STRAIGHT FROM THE TUBE? What if the tube touched his STINKY YOU KNOW WHAT? And you want that back? That's just way nasty, NodorO™ people.

But remember boys,
if you use NodorO™...

Take Care,
Babs -who thinks it's high time the men had to share in all the "fishy smell" jokes.

That Jesus' Mama Sho Gets Around

Need a virgin or two to add to your collection? Well, you're in luck because I know where you can find them.

Virgin Sighting 1

The Virgin of Guadalupe, or Our Lady of Guadalupe, is also known as La Virgen Morena which translates to, "the brown-skinned virgin". So the VOG is an apparition of the alpha virgin, but with a better tan. Whatever you call her, this virgin has made another showing, and it's in a tree. Here are some photos for comparison. I know I probably shouldn't give this away, but the one on the left is the tree.

As an added bonus, if you click on the link to the story, you can vote on whether or not you think this tree really looks like the VOG. At this posting, out of 1,142 votes, 78% of the readers voted no. The other 22% are bat-shit crazy and probably hear Jesus talk to them. A lot. Or they have severe cataracts.

I think the tree looks more like a really sad bear, and he's sad because someone bit off his right ear, which means I'm probably slightly bat-shit crazy.

Virgin Sighting 2

The Quintana family of New Mexico is all atwitter because of the image that appeared on their wall. It was the alpha virgin again! This time her appearance was caused because the patriarch of this all atwitter family was trying to put a special texture on the wall, and the spray bottle he was using kept breaking and he couldn't get the texture wiped off fast enough. The screwed up texture dried and tada! The Virgin Mary. It's that easy!

The photo on the left is the one that Channel 8 doctored to make the "virgin" more apparent. But if you grab another photo from the video, you can see what Texture Mary really looks like.

I've done my own doctoring on the Texture Mary shot and I think she'd better be careful, because somebody's sneaking up behind her. And that somebody is none other than Satan. How come there aren't ever any news reports about a Satan sighting?

I think having the devil show up on your wall is way more newsworthy than Mary.

By the way, if you look in a mirror and say, "Texture Mary, Texture Mary, Texture Mary" she will totally show up in the mirror.

Kudos to Shedevil and Heather for dredging out these sightings.

Take Care,

January 4, 2008

The Trinity

I've been tagged by the ever brilliant Chaplain ,and here are the rules of this particular meme. I have to select three members of my blogroll that are a unique combination. I can write a tome of their uniqueness, or I can be succinct. I have to promise to play nicely. And then I have to tag 3 other people.

Well, I don't know how I could ever possibly pick just 3 blogs from the blogroll I have on here. I think everyone's blog is unique simply because we're all different people, writing in different ways. But, I have a super secret blogroll. Well, not really secret, I just haven't taken the time to update my list on here. So, I've decided to pick 3 from my super secret blogroll, because I think these may be some blogs that you haven't encountered before. I've never commented on any of these blogs. I'm just a lurker, but I still enjoy them.

  1. What is it? Here is the description the blog author gives, "I've been collecting unusual objects for quite a few years and have just recently started posting them on this site as puzzles for visitors to figure out what they are." Just for the record, I rarely can identify what the objects are. But since I love odd things, I love this blog. I also want all of the objects posted on it.
  2. Shorpy: The 100 Year-Old Photo Blog I adore old photos. ADORE them, and this blog is all about them.
  3. Faces in Places Photos of objects that resemble faces. And these don't even claim to be Jesus faces or Mary faces. Just faces.
I tag anyone on my not-secret blogroll who hasn't already been tagged with this meme.

Take Care,

January 3, 2008

Whatever Pops Into My Head

Hi! It's me again. It's been over a week since I've posted and you wanna know why? It's because I was off work from the 22nd through the 1st, and I had a strange phenomenon happen to me. My brain quit working. Not totally. I wasn't sitting on the floor slobbering or anything, but I was pretty darn close. I realized how relaxing it was not to be at work and not have to really think about anything and answer 40 million questions a day, and then my brain figured out that was some good shit and decided to take a little break. Break time's over. Now on to some burning questions from the comment section. Well, maybe not really burning. Maybe just smoldering.

What are Flower Frogs?

These are flower frogs. --------->

You set them in the bottom of a vase, and then you poke the flower stems in the holes and they hold your arrangement in place. Except for the spiky ones. You just jab your flowers into the spikes. They also make good weapons.

Along with flower frogs, I also like bird cages, which brings me to...

Clarence the Faux Crow.

When I first got Clarence he was sleek and bright eyed and sat perched on my inspiration board over my art table. He would sit there and watch me make weird stuff. After a few years, Clarence started looking a little ruffled, and not so healthy. When I moved into my apartment, I wired him to a set of shelves and he stood guard over the kitchen. One day I moved him to dust underneath him and his wing fell off. Then a week or so later his other wing fell off. I tried pushing them back in, but they kept falling off, and his wire wouldn't hold him to the shelf anymore. So, I just laid Clarence down on his back and didn't pay much attention to him until Thomas walked by one day and said, "Nice dead bird, you got there."

That statement stewed in my warped mind for awhile, and I decided that if Clarence was going to be dead, he was going to be properly dead. So I glued his wings back in, glued him upside down to a perch in one of my bird cages, then built him a shrine. Weird? Of course, but it makes me laugh. I don't know how long I'll keep it up. I guess until it doesn't make me laugh anymore. Creepy? Heck yeah. Which is the exact reason it makes me laugh. So, without further ado. Here is the Shrine to Clarence the Faux Crow.

Even now, looking at the picture it makes me laugh, so Clarence may hang around for a bit longer. I figure he's a good way to keep company from staying too long. Especially if I twitch a lot every time someone looks at him.

Video Killed the Radio Star

It makes me way happy that you guys enjoy my videos, and I promise there will be more coming as soon as my brain is back up to speed (which shouldn't take too long). And, the really fun part is, I bought a camcorder! I haven't even started to think of all the possibilities.

Jesus' Mamaroni

Thanks to the lovely Shedevil and Heather, I have two new virgin mama sightings, so I'll be posting about them maybe tomorrow. Depends on the brain.

But until then....

Take Care,

Babs - who hopes that every single one of you had a wonderful holiday time. Yes, even you. And you know who you are.