May 28, 2007


Where the Hell Did She Go Now?

Well, I'm becoming quite adept at the disappearing acts, huh? Where have I been this time? You remember when I told you that I was busy at work and came home brain dead? It's been worse lately. Our account manager is no longer with our company and it was an abrupt departure which left me with trying to do his job. So it's been 12 hour days and some weekends and a little working at home. Good fucking times, people.

And a great big thank you to all of you who sent emails wondering where I'd gone to.

So, I'll just pick up where I left off. You remember my son was graduating? Well, here's how it went.

This is my daughter and I before graduation.
And this is my son and I after graduation.

But they were tears of pride and joy. He graduated with honors and a scholarship and I have to say he was the cutest kid in his class.

Church Sign O' the Week

Oh suhweet Church Sign Guy! I think it's totally cool that you're stealing beer commercials to use for your signs. And even though we all know Jesus turned water into wine, I'll bet deep down inside he really was more of a beer guy. But you're getting creepy again with the drinking the big J's blood thing. Do you have some kind of blood fetish? Oh sweet mercy, are you a vampire?

Anyway, I thought maybe you might like help with your next Jesus beer sign. So, how 'bout you use Bud Lite's Real Men of Genius commerical? It could go something like this:

Today we salute you, Mr. Cross-Carrying, Crown-of -Thorns Wearing Man-God. The immaculate conception was merely the beginning of your miraculous life. You exited that virign womb and started tossing miracles around like cheap plastic beads at Mardi Gras. Not only did you raise Lazarus from the dead, but you totally raised the bar when you did the same for yourself. You took your run of the mill, people-bound demons and cast them into pigs, and turned ordinary H2O into sweet, fermented goodness. And you did it all while wearing a dress robe tunic - whatever it was. So, crack open an ice cold Bud Lite beer, Mr. I Can Walk On Water and You Can't. And while you're at it crack open another can of miracles and pass around the love.

Okay, you might have to get a bigger sign, but I think it would be like totally bad-ass to see that on a church sign. You'd be a hero. Seriously. People would come from miles around to your work. You'd be a genius.

Wait a minute.

Church Sign Guy - you would be fabulous for a Real Men of Genius commercial. I'm going to start working on it right now, and then I'm going to send it to the Bud Lite people and see if they'll use it. Why would I do this? Because, I love you Church Sign Guy. With every inch of my little, black heart.

Take Care,

May 8, 2007


Well kids, it's time once again for Desperately Seeking. You know the little game where I share with you the Google searches that people have performed that somehow led them to my blog. Fwig the Magnificent has been doing this lately and I must say I damn near pee my pants every time I read it. I suggest you do the same. By the way, Fwig, you HAVE to come up with some act so you can use the title Fwig The Magnificent. And I'm talking something outside the bedroom. Maybe you could twirl plates and tap dance while balancing a marmot on your head. Oh, and something should be on fire. Probably not the marmot, though.

Anyhooha, here we go. Well, first I have to say that I haven't checked these in awhile and I was surprised to find that the list included a whole hell of a lot of references to penises and their various euphemisms. I must talk about dick a lot, huh?
  • scrotum padlock - You know, should you have stumbled upon Flumadiddle just a few days ago you would have caught the scrotum padlocks on sale. But, they were such a good deal, I'm afraid we've sold out. If you're scared that someone may steal your scrotum, you might try duct taping it to your leg.
  • dicky di - Well, you forgot the rest of the group's name. Dicky Di and the Dingleberries.
  • strange evil unknown - Hey! That perfectly describes my blog.
  • sightings of Jesus hitchhiking - Suhweet! I have a new Google search to perform. Thanks person who looked for this.
  • fatty fatty bum bum bring me a teacake - Oh. What a sweet little dickhole. How 'bout you get your own teacake and shove it straight up your arse?
  • bondage AND garage AND hoist AND video - Aw shucks, oh thou kinky one. I have the bondage, the hoist and definitely the video, but I'm afraid I have no garage. I am so sorry. Would a tool shed work instead?
  • crotch malfunctions - Did you have anything particular in mind or just a general crotch malfunction? I think you're just going to have to go to a crotch doctor. Just try to find one that doesn't have "feely" or "wiggles" anywhere in their name. Like Dr. McFeely Wiggles. NOT a good crotch doctor.
  • imaginary girlfriend jelly spanky - Wowie! You're even kinkier than garage-hoist dude, aren't ya? Jelly spanky? Is that your imaginary girlfriend's pet name?
  • what happens at a shindig - All manner of debauchery and shenanigans. And we usually sacrifice a virgin or two.
  • how to wrap a biblical times loincloth - And the kinkiness just continues. I imagine you just start wrapping till the boys aren't dangling beneath the hem. Or you could duct tape them to your leg.
  • scrotum chapped - Well, that's what you get for taping it to your leg.
  • you're gay for Santa what does that even mean - Well, I think it means that 1. You're a dude. 2. You want a little man-action with the jolly, bearded guy. 3. If you really are poppin' a boner for Santa, then you probably need to go to therapy. I mean, Santa is so not sexy. Except for the boots. I kinda dig those boots.

Take Care,


My Buddha Babies

Usually my kids are off limits on my blog, but not tonight.

My son is graduating from high school Friday night, and godammit, I'm proud of that kid. I'm proud of both of my kids. Not only are they beautiful, funny and smart, but they're both ethical. Can you imagine? My kids have morals. Morals straight from the womb of a godless heathen. Shocking, isn't it?

Tyler is officially an adult and Whitney is not far behind. But, in my heart they'll always be these two little goobers that stole my heart from the minute I saw them.


I know lately my blogging has been sparse to say the least, and my blog-reading has been non-existent. I'm not sure what the hell's been going on with me. Life just keeps getting in the way. But I'm sure I need to be punished for it. By Johnny Depp. Oh yes, I've been a naughty, naughty girl.

I'm sorry. Where were we? Oh yeah, me being a bad blogger. Well, I'm going to try and do better.

That's all I'm going to say about that.

Stupid is as Stupid Does

Jazrahel King, mental giant that he is decided to steal a Jeep. Stupid enough in itself, right? Well, the J-Man couldn't stop with just a little stupidity. He had to whip out the entire, "I'm a Total Dumbass" cake and throw it in our faces. See, Jazrahel took his stolen Jeep back to the exact car lot he had stolen it from and tried to trade it in for a larger vehicle.

Wowie, Jazzie. You're a total fuckwit. Way to go!

Caption Me

Just because I'm totally nutty, I thought it'd be fun if we had a photo captioning contest. Not that there are any prizes and I'm not even going to pick a winner, but I'm sure it will be fun anyway, won't it? Of course it will. So, here's the picture - you caption it.

Take Care,